Guilty for suffering low moods when I have my beautiful children to think of.

[Whatisenough]

I’ve never been in any platform such as this or shared this more than one other person.
Over the past 6 months I’ve been having some really awful thoughts about ending my life. I’m a mother so it’s awful that I would think of leaving my children motherless.
I want to give them every happpiness in the world.
I’m anchored to this world because of them. I want to end things for myself but at the sane time I would never want them to go through life without me. So here I am. Trying to get through every day a day at a time.

I feel like a failed parent for even thinking like this but I can’t stop.
Everything is just getting too much. My mother in law, who we live with has been telling me for the last 12 years that I’m not good enough. She would never say it openly because she is too clever for that but it’s the constant digs. My children aren’t loving enough, they aren’t chubby enough. Once she said I’ve done and ok job on them but I failed at every other relationship I have. Which is untrue. I have a loving family who are care for deeply. She even tells my mum to stop visiting me.
I can’t do anything right. I dont cook right, I don’t dress right. My children are such amazing, well behaved children and she can not lie about that as everyone agrees with this. But she will still try to find moments to criticise them when only she and her sister in law are together.

She spreads lies about me to friends and family and she even tried to claim I was having an affair when it was her son that was.
I hear her in the phone all the time talking about me and when her relatives come over they make remarks to me and snigger with her.

I feel useless and childlike.
She used to sneak into my bedroom and take my sleeping newborn whthout my permission because she said I was sleeping in to late and she couldn’t wait to see her. It was 7:30 am.

My husband is no support and doesn’t believe in depression.
I think I need help but I’m afraid it will go on some sort of record.

I don’t know what I want out of exposing myself like this. I just need a solution.

Have a chat with Samaritans 116124 it is a free call. Also call Women's Aid and chat to them.
From what you have written it seems that you are on the receiving end of verbal and emotional abuse from what looks like a narcissistic MIL and your H is not supporting you.
There is also something called Grey Rock. You can google it and have a read it might help when dealing with your MIL.
HYH's

Thank you for your reply. I’ve though about calling the Samaritans so many times but I just can’t. I feel really ashamed and I’m not sure why. It’s easier for me to write it down but I’m struggling to talk to anyone. I feel like I won’t be able to hold it together.

I haven’t heard of that but I will go and search it. Thank you again.

Today she has been trying to turn my teenaged daughter against me. I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of fighting.

Thank you.

If you feel that you can't talk to Samaritans then you can text or e-mail them. It might help to get it all down and send it to them.
Seriously have a look at Grey Rock.
Perhaps fighting her and the situation isn't the answer. You been fighting for so long and has it got you anywhere? Perhaps a change of direction?

Ditch the guilt - feeling depressed is not a lifestyle choice. It is something that lands on us and we have to find ways of dealing with it - like diabetes or a broken leg.

Ditch the MIL too! - why are you living with her? Is there no choice here? I would be depressed if I had to live with such a woman. And your OH is "no support" - I think you are wonderful to be managing at all under these circumstances.

Your low mood is a wake-up call that says "None of this is right." Please talk to Women's Aid.

Also do you have family of your own to whom you can turn? You do need some outside help and it is there if you know where to look.

See your GP initially - the surgery will have details of what services are there in your area.

Thanks. I know you are right about all you have said. We can’t move as my father in law is getting on a bit and my husband doesn’t want to leave them. They wouldn’t be able to afford living alone.
I wonder if I go to the GP and ask for help will they put this on some sort of record? I would never ever hurt my children half the reason I stay is because they adore their dad. Where he is a good dad he is completely emotionally unavailable for me. He tries to justify everything she does and when her friends and relatives come over and pick at everything I do he says that’s between me and them. He doesn’t get involved. He will start to fiddle with his phone and then claim he didn’t hear most of it as he was distracted.
I have family but my dad passed away a couple of years ago and my mum is unwell. I don’t feel like I can burden them with the whole truth. My siblings I love so much are great but I can’t tell them everything. A lot has happened and I think hey might think I’m weak for not leaving. I just don’t want to disappoint anyone anymore.

I’m afraid if I go they will flag me up as someone who needs monitoring or something.

Thank you for trying to help I home in turn life is amazing for you all. I’m just happy to have somewhere I can talk about things I couldn’t do in my life.

Also thank you for directing me to Gray Rock.
I’m reading and absorbing. I definitely find small talk or talking about the children or my family does open her up more to behave with me like I’m wrong and nothing and insignificant.
I’m going to try to keep what distance I can and keep the conversations very bland.

Thank you for sharing that. It’s the first time I have come across it.

She does wear many faces, some members of the family are aware of these and have mentioned things to me in confidence.
Unfortunately I don’t live with any of them and she normally buys me gifts after she has been particularly nasty and will call and make a fuss of the few people in his family that see the truth. Sending them flowers or buying things for their children and telling them how she loves them. I just can not understand how a person can be so many different people.

Unfortunately I don’t live with any of them and she normally buys me gifts after she has been particularly nasty and will call and make a fuss of the few people in his family that see the truth

She is definitely showing NPD traits. The family has probably enabled this over the years. Which is why you are in the position you are now. if your DH had not enabled it your PILs would be living on their own.
Continue to read Grey Rock and implement it. It will help. Fighting her will only create conflict in you and that is not a good place to be. It is time to go in the opposite direction as the strategy you have been using has only caused you pain.
There will be a period when it may intensify as the strategy begin to work, but stick with it. It will be worth it.
In any other circumstance the professionals would be advocating NC or as a minimum LC. Grey Rock give you the opportunity to do that in your mind so everything bounces off you.
Good luck with it.

Thank you noego.