Ashamed of my own thoughts

[comeonbaby]

I'm looking for some advice/reassurance I'm hoping.
I feel bad enough for the way I feel atm so would appreciate not being bashed by people as I've read some really nasty threads on MN lately.

I know some may find it upsetting that I feel how I do due to their own personal circumstances, but I can't carry the weight of how others may feel on my shoulders when feeling how I do 😢

I'm 40+3 with my first child. This was a planned pregnancy with my husband who I have been with for 9 years.

I have a history of anxiety and depression and I take daily medication to help this, but currently on a lower dose to protect baby. I have had a few episodes in life where I've reached breaking point and locked myself away from the world.

I initially was taken off of my meds before ttc but at 15 weeks pregnant I had to have them re-started as I become really low and anxious again.

I've really struggled to connect with my pregnancy and baby...I was initially so happy to be pregnant, but as time went by I started getting a nagging feeling of regret. At my 12 week scan I didn't feel the excitement I was expecting. I didn't want to talk about the baby nor announce my pregnancy (I still haven't on my social media)
I find myself often thinking to myself - have I made a mistake? Do I want this baby? What if I can't handle it? What if I can't cope with the demand of a baby? Do I want to give up my selfish life of doing what I want when I want? Lack of sleep etc...

All of this I thought me and husband covered before ttc, and that I was happy with it all but now I find myself constantly asking myself this over and over...

Everyone asks if I'm fed up of being overdue but I'm not..I'm thankful baby isn't here yet.

I know it sounds awful that I'm thinking this but I just can't help my thoughts, I can't help feeling depressed and totally lost. I just want to cry.

When I have tried to open up to people all they say is 'don't worry it's normal to have doubt, and everyone does' is that true? Is it normal and hormones making my have horrible thoughts and struggling to connect to the baby? Will I be an awful mother because I'm having these difficulties? Will I just fall in love as soon as I hold the baby?

I know I'm incredibly lucky to be pregnant...I have two sisters who have had their own troubles, so I know first hand...but that isn't stopping me feeling like this and like a failure 😢😢😢
I'm worried I will lose my husband too over this even though he is incredibly supportive

Sorry to hear you're struggling. I never connected with my pregnancy but when they were here I was instantly in love. Can you access any counselling to talk this through?

It's impossible to say or know how you will feel when the baby is born as some people instantly feel a rush of love and other people don't and the love builds slowly over days or weeks or even months but the main thing to remember that whatever way it happens for you both are totally normal and you're not the first person to ever worry about this.

The fact that you feel worry about being able to connect with and look after your baby is already a strong sign that you do care. Pregnancy is a very confusing time for anxious people, I had to have counselling and cbt during my pregnancy with a follow up 6 weeks after my son was born.

One thing I always worried about was that people would say "it's worth it in the end" or "it's different when it's your own" and Id panic so much that what if it wasn't worth it?? Well it was. Motherhood is not an easy ride when you struggle with anxiety or depression, it makes it much harder but the joy your child will bring you, can see you through the harder times. Xxx

As said above you have no way of knowing how you're going to feel but it's certainly different when they are here. The reason why people say it's normal to feel this way is because it is. It's a massive life change and you're questioning yourself.
Thoughts are thoughts and unfortunately awful thoughts can come and we focus on them and believe the lies while disregarding the good ones. Don't be ashamed, that just adds another layer to your thinking.
Allow the thought to come in and pass, just because it's negative doesn't mean it's true. I'm not trying to be flippant about this just trying to emphasize most of us get awful thoughts, we just don't mention it.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. It is a very scary time and also there is so much pressure on mums these days - all these things we are supposed to be doing with the implication being that if you don't, you have somehow failed or haven't given your child the best start. I have learnt over the last 12 years of being a parent to be much kinder to myself and to stop worrying about what other people are doing/saying. Not everybody loves their baby straight away and it's really important not to feel guilty if this is your experience. As long as the baby's needs are met, the love will come in time. Don't forget, you are not in this alone. You have a partner (and it sounds like an extended family) who are there for you - it really isn't an endurance test, you won't win any prizes for feeling like you have to do it all and not asking for help - it's not a sign of weakness to need support. Please do make sure you let others help you.

Also, please do seek professional help if you continue to struggle after the baby is born. Having a baby is very stressful and a vulnerable time in terms of your mental health. Many women need a bit of help at this time and it's really nothing to be ashamed of.

I wish you all the best. Don't be hard on yourself. Being a mother has brought out the best and the worst in me. It's the most amazing and the most awful thing I have ever done (but mostly amazing, I promise!).