What to say?

[nameynamerson2018]

Have known for a long time (years) I am not okay but keep trying to muddle through,l. It doesn't work though. I'm a drain on those most important to me. So I have finally booked an appointment with my gp.

But now I don't know what to say when I get there. It's making me panicky thinking about it and I know I won't be able to talk about a lot of it as I'm ashamed. That leaves me convinced I won't be believed ....

I'm actually considering cancelling.

I don't know what I'm asking, everything is just such a mess, but it's still feels a bit better to offload.

Could you try and talk to the Samaritans? It might help you put it all into perspective so that when you do see your GP you might feel a bit more confident.

I get like this every time I have to go because my depression is back, I totally get it OP It won't make you feel better but for the record it's never as bad as I expect and I always come out feeling believed, understood and massively relieved, and that's bearing in mind I rarely see the same doctor twice at my surgery.

Best advice I can give you is write it down, nothing too long or detailed just the bare bones of what's been happening and how you're feeling. You will feel a twat handing it over and waiting while they read it but it's a hell of a lot easier than saying it all without turning into a sobbing mess. It will be nothing new or out of the ordinary for the GP, they will believe you and they will understand.

When is your appointment? I don't mind trying to be online to hold your (virtual) hand before you go in if it helps? The way I try to look at it (although it doesn't always work) is that things won't start to get better until I take the first step and if I don't take it today I'm just delaying my own recovery. I always know I will kick myself if I don't go and that I will have to do all the things I struggle with (working up the courage to ring and make an appointment, trying to keep my mind off it while I wait for the date and then working myself up to actually attend) all over again. Anything I can do to help you get there, just say the word, PM me if you want

Thank you both for replying.

The appointment is on the 10th, I've been trying to write it down, but even then, I know I'm minimising. I've asked my partner to write down what he thinks - I think that'll end up more honest

I think my main reason for struggling is that I've felt like this for a good 10 years, when I found out I was pregnant with dc1. This is my normal and the thought of change is terrifying. But I know deep down that life can be better than this. This 'mood' has lost me most of my friends and my 'd'p had an affair to escape me. I'd give up, but the dcs.... I must be better for them.

@Hidingtonothing, thank you for your kind offer. Might take you up on that if I wobble!

I'm even thinking of changing it to a smear.

I'm in the same boat, 10 years of low mood, chronic anxiety and really bad habits which I know make me worse and yet the thought of making the changes I need to is terrifying. I have spells where I'm better and living something approaching a normal life but then it starts to slide again and I'm terrible at seeing the signs and acting on them before it gets bad.

I think I manage to convince myself that carrying on as I am is better (or at least preferable) to doing the work needed for me to get better. But then I end up feeling desperate and like I can't carry on I'm so unhappy so it can't be better can it? It's really easy to get stuck in that cycle, talking yourself into reaching out for help, and then back out again because it just feels too hard but unless we break that cycle we just keep going round and before we know it ten years have passed. I don't think either of us should waste another ten, do you?

I'm even thinking of changing it to a smear.

That made me laugh (sorry) because it's something I'd do Maybe not a smear as they're nearly as bad for me but I do remember having a mole checked once when that's not why I was there Please don't do that though, by all means book your smear as well but keep this appointment and tell the GP the truth in whatever way you can. It's not just about being better for the kids, you deserve to be happy

That is it so completely! I seem to yoyo from happy and buoyant and energetic to.... this. I idly wondered what would happen to my car if I drove it into the ditch en route to the supermarket earlier. I wouldn't, of course, but I was curious.

I don't want to feel this sad/worthless/useless/inferior/inadequate. Nobody should ever have to feel like I do. It's hideous and ruins lives. I'm trying to hold onto that to help me keep this appt.

You're right though, losing another decade to this is not allowed to happen.

Just start by saying you need help. That's all you have to say. "I need help".

I do the 'idle wondering' thing too, no real intention to do anything but an odd detachment from the idea of something happening to me, deliberate or otherwise. Definitely a symptom of depression btw, in case there was any doubt.

All those things you listed are my internal dialogue a lot of the time, you're right, it's utterly shit. I've had some success with trying to change my thinking, being alert to the negative thoughts and deliberately pushing them away and replacing them with something positive. It's hard work (especially after 10 years worth of negativity) and I can never seem to keep it up long enough for it to become the new norm but might be worth you having a go at between now and the 10th, give you a bit of extra strength to get you to your appointment.

Happy to chat anytime if it helps and give you lots of advice I really should take myself in the meantime and just shout if you want that hand hold on the day. Sending you an unmumsnetty hug

I've tried to do that today. It has helped, I don't feel anywhere near as rotten as I did last night so thank you, @Hidingtonothing. Even managed to make it to my sport tonight!

Oh that's so great, really chuffed you're feeling a bit better It is hard keeping the positivity thing going but it works for me in short bursts, glad it's given you a bit of a lift too. Don't be afraid to post again (or PM me if you prefer) if you have a bad day though, talking on here can be surprisingly therapeutic ime. Offer stands for the 10th if you need it, just shout

Thank you. Your kindness and patience means so so much! I hope you manage to beat this, you really deserve to.

Sorry if that reads as crap as I think it does, but it is sincere and I can't think of a way to phrase it better.

Doesn't sound crap at all, thank you, means a lot to hear (well read!) someone say that actually. I have far too much time on my hands so don't ever be afraid to message if you need a chat, we both deserve to beat this

Sorry for skipping out, the snow hit. It's been a bad day with them all home.

You are special, to take time out from your own struggle to help some random human on the Internet. You, and the others who posted, are the reason I haven't yet altered my doctor's appointment.

Please don't alter it, there's more to life than just barely keeping your head above water. I want to be one of those people who genuinely finds joy in life, I actually believe I am one of those people.....when I'm well.

So I need to get well, and so do you and seeing the doc is the first step to that. How do you feel about medication if it's offered? I was really wary the first time but they really can make all the difference.

And don't apologise for not posting, come back when you need to but don't feel pressure to update. Last thing you want is your thread ending up feeling like one more thing you have to do Hope the weather picks up and tomorrow is a better day

what would you say to someone you love who told you(fully) everything your struggling with.how would you be there for them.how would you help them get some help and KNOW THEY DESERVE IT.hold your hand to your own chest and tell it to yourself.

what if it could be better?that feeling when I said that.that sudden "oh" of the relief if that weight you feel could be lifted.that can happen.can it be a tough journey.god yes.will you relapse sometimes.yeh maybe.but what if it could be better than now?its so worth it can it can be done. you have to be fully willing. but isn't a bit of hard graft better than the hard graft of misery.

don't be put off. if this docs appointment doesn't giv eyou what you need remember that isn't anything on you.your putting your feelers out there right now looking for something to take hold.and with mental health it can be so varied with what might help you.so don't give up hun ok.

be kind to yourself.you do deseve help.how could you no.its not fair for anyone to feel like you do.why could you ever deserve this?you don't.you really don't.
so don't stop until you find your peace.becasue wouldn't that be nice.to find peace.
when you feel your mind spiralling.STOP
S-STOP
T-TAKE A BREATH-
O-OBSERVE ALL AROUND YOU FOCUS YOURSELF BACK TO THE HERE AND NOW(SEE THE TREES,YOUR LOUNGE,HEAR THE BIRDS OR TV,FEEL THE SOFA BENEATH YOUR OR THE FOOTPATH ON YOUR FEET. NOT THE WORRYS SENDINF YOUR FEARS AND THOUGHTS SPIRALLING.OBSERVE YOUR FEELINGS.WHERE IS THE ANXIETY.IN YOUR CHEST?IN YOUR TUMMY?BREATHE AND OBSERVE YOURSELF BACK HERE AND NOW.YOUR SAFE.
P-PROCEED WITH YOUR DAY.YOU CAN DO THIS.