I hate writing this cause I feel like I'm just feeling sorry for myself, my other half was obviously mentally abused my their mum when they were growing up even though they really don't see it, some of the stories that come out from the past shock me but my partner thinks it is normal, which is part of the reason I try to understand the way they are towards me and the kids.
But I'm starting to get depressed more and more every day feel exhausted from anxiety attack's from what even I can see is a controlling relationship.
I'm a stay at home parent of two young kids and I love them to bits but I hate that they don't see the real me only the shell of the person I am now, i was gonna put a massive story about our relationship but my head just isn't in it I just feel so lonely all the time I'm constantly told I look disgusting, I dress scruffy and need to sort my self out, the one day recently I tried to put effort into looking nice I pretty much got accused of cheating I'm stuck at home all day with no one to talk to, if I ever try to stand up for myself or the kids cause they are being screamed at for just bing kids I get told If I don't like it to get out of their house and I will never see the kids again their nan will look after them even though she was the abusive one and only sees them once in a blue moon, if I refuse to leave the police will be called to remove me as it's not my property, my other half has decided I need to see a doctor because I had a panic attack over picking somewhere to eat lunch, I couldn't care less where we eat it's just the abuse I get when it's not somewhere they want to go cause I'm wasting their money on food they don't want, that's also a big thing it's their money I'm constantly wasting on thing like food to feed us, whilst there're spending a few hundred a week on kids clothes which get warn once and sweets for them, ironically telling me that they nan is constantly trying to buy their love and the one time our eldest stayed round there we came to get her in the morning and she was sat naked in front of the telly eating chocolate, wrappers all around her, she hadn't been eating solids long at the time. It's been suggested I get a job, which I'm fine with but I would only be able to do evenings and I don't trust my other half alone with the kids they'd be put to bed with they iPads till they fell asleep, it's almost a nightly fight for that not to happen now, as I want them to read some books before the go to sleep so they're not grumpy the next day and get shouted at some more for being tired, an example being, we read a story about a boy who was about our sons age being crushed by a car seat cause they wanted to keep him quite and my other half said how disgusting that people don't care about their kids, our son was screaming in back of the car cause he dropped his toy and when shouting at him didn't make him stop my other half turned up radio so loud we couldn't hear him screaming his arm was caught it his belt where he'd tried to get his toy back, most of this stuff has happened in the last few days and I need to get it out of me cause I've woken up this morning with a twitch in my eye that won't go and another round of how disgusting I look, I feel so trapped cause I know I will never stand up for myself I have no money cause it's theirs, no home cause it's theirs, I couldn't even drive away cause the two cars we have are their's, I don't want to leave my kids anywhere near this person yet everyone thinks they are the perfect parent cause they are happy children even thought their parenting is mostly don't from the back of a phone unless in public,