Hello. Thanks so much if you are reading this.
It all started around year 8 (in high school) when my mum and dad broke up, when I was younger this was my biggest fear and it came true, I watched my mum and sister get abused by my own dad because he was an alcoholic. But he never touched me, so if course my (older) sister used to hate me for it, I can remember,my sister told me about death at a very young age, I would say around 6, she sort of used to torment me about it. Saying I would NEVER see mum again and I wouldn't have any of my teddies etc.. anyway, I started to have a lot of trouble at school, I was really misbehaving.. I was very aggressive all though high school. Such as chucking chairs at teachers and trying to hit anybody that looked at me in such way i did not like. I drank alot, smoked weed, etc.. I hung around with mostly boys and a few girls, but they were a lot older than me, and someone had rung in the school telling them this, so now social services was involved, and just to add in there, my mum is a very good mum and has never treating me or brought me up wrong.. Now fast forward to year 10, I start to hear weird noises now and again, i started to notice something wasn't right when I was walking home and every car that came past the sound what was supposed to be the engine/exhaust or whatever was actually the sound of people laughing at me and screaming my name, I always heard someone chasing me and no one was there.. And then I started to hallucinate.. I started to see dark mists in the corner of my room, I couldn't see no detail but darkness, and that must was the man i would hear, he would torment me every single night no matter where I was, he was there, he would tell me 'he can see me' in an almost child like voice. Tell me that people I loved was part of a plan, and that I needed to get out. There other voice was a little girl,and she would repeat names in my head such as useless, bitch and laugh at me.. And then there was another one.. It never spoke, just made noises,like some creature.. I had around 6 different counselors at school, but I don't think anybody took me seriously. They seemed to think it was due to the weed, and called it off as drug use psychosis. I got kicked out of 4 schools. And got denied by the rest of them. I felt alone. The only place that I could really get away from these in my head was to be around multiple people at once, and the schools turned there backs. Because let's be honest. No school knows how to deal with mental health and bad behavior. Anyway, I am now 18. Around 2 years since I heard any voices. But now I cannot stop thinking about death, and I tend to be very paranoid. If my mums goes out I am terrified in case she dies. I cannot leave the house because i feel like if I do someone is going to kill me or something is going to happen to somebody because I am not around, I can't leave the house because what if when I walk up that pathway in my front garden and look back at my loved ones that will be the last time that I see them, and it's all my fault because i left. I have nightmares every single night about something that terrifies me, for example finding my mum dead, somebody kidnapping me and killing me and leaving me in a ditch, watching my friends and boyfriend get killed right in front of me. It is so realistic, the feeling of terror, the blood on my face, the sweat dripping down of my eyebrow. I try to talk to my mum and boyfriend, but they seem to just say "it's just a dream" or "you need to tell your thoughts to go away". How can I stop my mind from doing what it is made for? Thoughts? Fear.. I am experiencing some serious insomnia,I haven't had a good night's sleep since I was a child...I feel like whoever they were in my head never really went. Just disguised themselves as thoughts and I am still controlled by them... I am scared to get turned away by the doctors, for being so stupid. Am I really experiencing mental health? Or am I being stupid? and just stupidly paranoid? What do you think the doctors will do??
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.. I don't know if I can cope much more with no answers or nowhere to turn. Again, thank you💙