ive had years of counselling etc one psychiatrist said to me i have got people who had been through less than me and were in hospital for life so you can tell i have had a lot of knocks rape abuse bullying etc but i survived. i was on my own for five years but met my partner 3 years ago im very happy we have our usual ups and downs have basically nothing esp money wise but we have our animals and each other so quite happy. i have also started running a charity shop for a local charity so all good. nightmares are quite normal for me but just lately ive been having dreams/nightmares which have shaken me and left me with all day tears and upset.
i had an awful time at school but my heart breaks i wish i could do it all again not go to the small school mum and dad sent me to but go where my friends were or go to the small school but instead of it closing down when i was in year 3 stayed til the end went to day college one day a week and odd though it sounds this is what really upset me be allowed in year five to enter school through the front main door instead of walking all the way round. what the heck it matters now i dont know.
stupid things like why no one family included helped me when i was raped by family friend at 15 why noone did anything when i was kept taking overdoses. why no one helped when i walked out on my daughters and they had to go in care could no one see it was all too much for me i should not have gone with andy he abused me beat me senseless and made me walk miles in bare feet knocked my teeth out why did anyone think i was having a good life my sister threw all my possessions in a skip so i had nothing.
i didnt want to be in a refuge when i was young i wish my parents had let me go to discos now i can never dance too shy even at my daughters wedding a few weeks ago. i just get this horrible feeling all the time i sit and break my heart as i just want to try it all again and this time someone might like me. i cant cry anymore without breaking my heart i just dont know what to do im on tablets as it is i have made my peace with my girls im happy no way do i want to go through anymore counselling its like my one counsellor said its like a big jigsaw puzzle you trip as you come in the room and pieces go everywhere you need to put it all back together but how can i when i feel its broken beyond repair and in complete