37 weeks, poor mental health and a complete breakdown

[Silveryclock]

I'm a regular poster but have name changed as it's so outing.

I know I am being completely unreasonable and maybe completely selfish but I'm completely miserable and just need a bit of sympathy..

So I have 1 ds (4) who has a tough pregnancy and ended terrible with a long labour where It took me 52 hours to get to 4cm by then he had enough and has an emcs.

I am now 37 weeks pregnant with a little girl who's pregnancy this time made ds's seem like a walk in the park. Ive thrown up the entire pregnancy, I've hardly put any weight on because my appetite has been so low up until recently I was having 1 meal a day if that, random pains that have had me in over night stays in hospital, spd, random bleeds and since Xmas I've been taking painkillers due to lots of pain in the old section scar which is getting worse and ineed to take them regularly. She's also having regular growth scans because she has small femurs.

My mental health is just shot, I cry all the time I barely sleep more than 2 hours in the night and end up having a top up nap for 2 hours in the day.

Today I went to discuss my date for my elective section.. they won't bring it forward so I have to wait the 2 weeks until I'm 39 weeks to get her out, despite me saying how much pain I'm in and how miserable i am because of the risks to her (fair enough I understand it's harmful to her to be brought out earlier). Her growth in her legs and everything else has slowed down slightly but they aren't showing much concern because overall she is happy (lucky her)

The only other direction I have is they keep me in hospital for the 2 weeks and give me better painkillers for the pain but then I only get to see my ds for an hour a day and then be stuck on a ward for 2 weeks having my soul sucked from me (I recently spent 4 days in hospital for my scar pain and I just fell apart).

I hurt and I'm miserable. If I wasn't pregnant or had DS I'm feeling overly like throwing myself off a roof (please don't think this is a hissy fit because I'm not getting what I want in an earlier section - my mental health is poor and I'm under help from the perinatal health team already)

DH thinks I'm just having a hissy fit because I'm not getting my own way and I should keep baby's health paramount. He keeps saying 'its only 2 weeks' and quite frankly I want to punch him in his face and tell him to fuck off. When we were told all the risks about if baby was brought early he undertook the thought that I was being completely unreasonable that I would even consider still having her early.

I've been crying since this morning, sobbing but it's ok because it's only 14 days. Everyone I try and talk to comes out with the same thing 'youve dealt with 9 months what's 14 more days'..

The Dr as lovely as she was kept saying 'i don't want you to think that no one cares about you because we do we just have to weigh up the risks to baby too'.

I'm growing to hate her. I hate every move she does, the extra pain I feel in my scar when she rolls over, every bump she makes in my cervix. I hate her and I haven't even met her yet.. she was very much planned but now I can't cope with the thought of her being close to me. This hasn't just stemmed from today it's been on going and getting worse. I already take antidepressants and the recent pain and lack of sleep doesn't seem to be doing anything for my emotional health right now.

I'm sorry it's so long I just wanted to get it all written out somewhere and I hope it makes sense. Please be nice.

I'm so sorry you're having such an awful time right now

What care are you getting from the perinatal MH team? Is there someone you can talk to about it in real life?

Were you taking the antidepressants before pregnancy?

Could it be that they are not working well with the hormonal changes?

What Im trying to say is, that this is not real you. This is hormones & medication, sleep deprivation, being a parent to a young one, pain, and you are being sick all of the time.

(& no support)

It sounds utterly horrendous.

Can you ring the health visitor/midwife & tell them exactly how you feel?

Keep posting.
Take it minute by minute.
Can you confide in a friend.

I have one of the midwives from perinatal come out to me every few weeks, but I haven't been able to get hold of her yet. I also undertake a group with them once a week that I've just started surrounding mindfulness which I'm struggling with because of the constant pain.

I'm pretty much alone in this pregnancy,.I have friends but they have all said the same thing '14 days will fly by' and 'im sorry you feel like shit'.

I've been on antidepressants for awhile but changed to try another back in November. I'm currently on fluxotine. I started feeling better after the 8 weeks of anxiety attacks and a big dip when I first started. But since the scar pain I've just declined.

Unfortunately I've left it too late to phone my midwife/gp unless I go out of hours.

The way you are feeling at the moment you need to call the crisis team (the number should be available online or through your local hospital switch board, they are there for out of hours mental health emergencies. Other options are to go to A&E and they will Keep you safe and get crisis team to see you there, or to phone 111 and speak to an out of hours GP.

I have had suicidal thoughts during this pregnancy and understand how scary and unpleasant these thoughts are. Also have been sick all the way through and understand how much that wears you down emotionally.

I have found a lot of Drs show little understanding of MH and was told by a GP that I needed to start putting baby first. My own opinion is that looking after my MH is putting my baby first and thankfully my midwife and perinatal MH team strongly agree with this.

Sending huge Hugs to you

Hi there Silveryclock,

Sorry to hear things are so difficult at the moment. It sounds really hard.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as others will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We're also going to move this to the Mental Health section, where you'll hopefully find some more support.

Thinking of you

I don't mean this to sound at all patronising, as I am very very fed up and only 34 weeks!! I've suffered from increasingly terrible spd since 11 weeks (crutches since 28 weeks and now up to 8 co-codamol a day, which doesn't help much and every step is agony). What's helped me might not help you, but I try not to think about the next 3-8 weeks, but the next day, the next hour, the next minute when things are really bad.

So it's not 14 days because that is an unmanageable chunk of time. It's until the next nap. Until the next minute if needs be.

What you're going through is unfair and horrendous. I'm so sorry and wish I could be of more help!!!

Hey OP. A big hug from me. I also had a difficult pregnancy, was emotionally completely isolated and had people telling me "oh it's good for the baby to stay in longer" etc. This was a good few years ago but I could punch them in the face like it was yesterday.

It's fucking crap.

Only someone totally insane would be feeling good right now.

Is there any way over the next two weeks that you could plan some distractions? Can anybody take your DC for the day? Can you plan on going - childfree out for nice cake with a friend? Or even alone with some magazines? Or a manicure? Massage? Haircut? Those may be stupid ideas as they may not be your thing, but whatever it is that would make you happy.

Two weeks is an eternity at this end of pregnancy when you're not happy and unsupported. Having some things planned can help break it up.

And as DH says it's "only two weeks" then he'll obviously have no problem giving you as much time to enjoy yourself (to the extent you can) for that short period

Thank you for the kind words.

My 4year old just asked me if a kiss and a cuddle would make me happy. I hate him seeing me like this and I'm trying so hard to hide at least some of my low mood from him as he's such a sensitive lovely boy he doesn't deserve to see his mother constantly sobbing .

I just want to be normal