I’m having a breakdown and I need to let it all out

[Rughasbeenpulled]

Ok, so I admit I’m struggling, I feel like I’m having a breakdown and I feel like there is no way out. A lot of the reasons for this, are my own fault, decisions which I look back on I should have changed. But I am where I am, and I don’t know how to cope.

I had lots of MC with my EX. My MH spiraled out of control, I went on AD, had a Councilor, I tried taking my own life. I lost most of my friends.

A few years later I had a good life, I had papered over my feelings, I was in a good place on my own.

I met someone, he was amazing, BUT he has DC. Everyone told me I was making a mistake, but NO I didn’t listen. I well full throttle in my relationship and role as a SM.

Now my life has come crashing down. DP is leaving me. I am loosing my home, my SC, my best friend, my future, the love of my life. My happy bubble that I have lived in, has just burst. And now I’m in a heap, at rock bottom on the floor.

I have cried to the point I don’t have any tears, I have got so angry, and I am a full on explosion of feelings which keep escaping.

I know everyone will go through this cycle, when breaking up with a DP. But for me, it’s Opening up all the old wounds and feelings I have.

I don’t want to speak my family, as we are not that close. I’m avoiding work, as I can’t paint a face on, I can’t be asked if I’m ok? I’m avoiding leaving the house. I feel like my RL support is so fed up of me.

I have called the GP and have an appointment tomorrow morning. I just have to find away (if any) of getting through the day.

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this.

You have done two really empowering things.

You have shared your story and reached out. You have taken control by making an appointment with your GP.

I think you have been really brave and strong.

Are you alone at the moment?

Are you responsible for any young children at the moment?

Are you keeping hydrated and had some lunch?

Are you up and dressed?

Sorry if that seems like a lot of nosey questions but it helps to understand your immediate situation so we can chat to you.

@Undercoverbanana Thank you for your reply.

Yes I’m alone at the moment. DP has left me, but is coming later to collect his things.

No DC and DSC are with their mum.

I have a few cups of coffee and a few sips of water today, but I’ve not eaten. I keep crying, to the point I’m hyperventilating and then being sick. I went to make some toast, but have no bread.

I’ve had a shower, and got dressed which has been my achievement of the day.

I have 2 RL friends who I can talk to, but they are both SP. they are at work at the minute, then will be doing the school run and sorting out their DCs.

Glad you have been able to reply OP.

Do you think you could take a gentle walk to a local shop to find something nourishing to eat? Something quite plain, but nourishing like a baking potato and salad or a good soup and rolls? It doesn’t matter if you can’t eat much, but your body needs nourishment even if you don’t feel like it.

Keep sipping the water too.

These are great achievements on a very difficult day for you.

Are you planning on being there when he comes for his belongings? Do you want to be?

Wrap up warm if you do take a stroll to the shops. It’s cold today and you will probably feel it more as you are at a low point.

Basic self preservation might feel pointless at the moment but in the longer term they will help you to recover and rebuild.

Thank you for your reply.

I went to see a friend for a coffee and grabbed a loaf of bread on my way home, so I am going to make myself a sandwich.

My EXDP has just been round to see me, he just sat on the kitchen floor for a hour and cried. I had no tears left. I think he is struggling with his own MH which is the cause of our relationship breakdown. But I understand right now my own MH is being compensated and that should be my priority.

I just wish I knew how I could make this whole situation right. If I could fast forward or rewind time, so things wern't as difficult as they are now.

I am so tired, exhausted and have the worlds worst headache.

Try to eat and drink.

Change in your pjs or onesie and dressing gown to stay cosy and warm. Take a couple of paracetamol for your headache and try to breathe calmly. Breathe in for a count of 5 and out for a count of 11 to ensure you are not hyperventilating.

I hope your friend was supportive and also had some practical ideas to help you.

Do you think it would a good idea to write some things down for the GP tomorrow? The GP should know about the hyperventilating and the other feelings you are experiencing.

Do you want to chat about the break-up OP? Is it definitely final or is your partner just needing a bit of time out? Are work being supportive or are you under pressure there? Don’t answer if you don’t want to.

If you have eaten and would rather just go to bed, do so. Remember to set an alarm for the GP tomorrow.

Thanks.

I’ve made a few lists of things. One for the GP (thanks for the suggestion) and one of everything I need to do in the short term (buy milk etc, pay tax) and things that is me and my DP split for certain what we need to sort out.

It’s feels like its off loaded some of the thoughts in my head atleast.

I’ve just settled down in my pjs, in front of the tv with the fire on. Hoping I don’t fall asleep down here.

I hope that it’s not final. As we had such a happy, loving time together, and I would miss my DSC so much and him. I need to give him space and use this time to revalue myself, and find myself. But for him he seems certain that their isn’t a way forward. I think it hurts, that everything was fine in our relationship up until his DG passed away. Then since then he has spiralled out of control, and the force of him has made me spiral too.

I hope there is a way forward for me on my own, or for us both together. But only time and patience and getting through each day will tell.

Hope you slept ok OP.

One thing at a time today.

Try to eat and drink this morning and prioritise your GP appointment.

Remember to take your list.

Thank you.
I’ve been to the GP, they have signed me off work for 3weeks. Prescribed some anti-depressant, sleeping tablets and some anixety tablets.

I know to take one day at a time, but the next few days are going to be so tough. Everything being moved out of my home, not collecting the DSC etc...

Yesterday you didn’t know how to make it through the day, but you did.

You dug deep. It was tough but you survived it.

Break everything down into little chunks.

Don’t think about more than you have to. Hydration, food, sleep and hygiene. Make a plan for fitting in your medication.

When you feel up to it, there are loads of people on MN to support you through the practicalities of the future. So many people to offer advice and support. When you feel ready to start to deal with these things, make some lists and write down your thoughts and feelings about each one. Identify the problem itself and the emotions that it brings. Facing the emotions first enables you to see what action is required more clearly. Keep talking on here if it helps.

You are doing really well. I believe you are much stronger than you think you are. You are not alone.

Make sure you keep warm this evening. It’s another chilly one. Try to have a warm drink.