Am I depressed?

[Fairylights2021]

As the title says. Am I depressed? To give some background I’m a Mum of two young children aged 1 and 3 with a relatively supportive partner and a good network of friends. I recently gave up a job I loved to become a sahm after my maternity leave with my youngest as I wanted to be around while they are little. I’ve found this shift hard work but also enjoy being a sahm though I do miss the space and sense of identity that going out to work gives me. I’m still breastfeeding my youngest and he’s a very poor sleeper and co sleeps with me so he’s very dependent on me. My daughter goes to preschool a couple of days a week but generally the little ones are with me all the time. More recently I’ve started to have some days where I feel very low. Since Christmas I’ve had a few days where I’ve really struggled to function. I’ve been increasingly snappy and feel such a surge of anger at the smallest of things. The anger is awful it makes me want to throw things or lash out and shout. I feel really out of sorts and wonder if I’m depressed but other days are good and I wake up and feel much brighter or spend time in a social situation where I feel just like my normal self again. I’m trying to figure out what’s going on. While I have a great set of friends I’ve found it much harder to catch up with everyone properly since I’ve had my second and definitely feel more lonely sometimes as even when I see my friends it’s so hard to have a proper conversation with the little ones and I’m not able to see people in the evenings as my youngest needs me. Does anyone have any advice?

I should add I often find the days where I’m really tired the worst mood wise.

The lack of sleep is probably a big part of the problem. I am not in any way qualified to advise but I do not functioning proper if I don't the right sleep. I end up being teary, dwelling on all sorts of what ifs, feeling desperately lonely etc.
Could you consider going back to work part time, maybe?

Thank you for your reply. I think you’re probably right I just don’t remember ever feeling this bad on lack of sleep with my first child who was also a dreadful sleeper but maybe lack of sleep combined with the lovely times but relentlessness of two children has taken its toll a bit. I planned to stay off work for a couple of years then look for something but could go back earlier if I need to for my sanity though feel I’d regret loosing this time at home with them. It’s all a hard balancing act.

I checked earlier and was a bit sad that nobody else had replied.
You sound a bit overwhelmed - understandably. Mine were closer in age and it was a long time ago and the word relentless sums it up. The good news is that it doesn't last long.
Is there anyone who you could talk to?
I'm reluctant to suggest going for medical help because I think they tend to hand out pills when a listening ear or a bit of support would help deal with the cause.
Keep in mind that you are the best mum in the world to your little ones.

Thank you for your lovely reply. I think you’re right. I honestly adore my two little ones but like you say sometimes everything is a bit overwhelming and it’s really hard being the only one who can settle my youngest to sleep and resettle him at night. I try and carve out a bit of me time and have made a big effort recently to get to bed earlier and to do a bit of meditation and read for a while before I go to bed. My husband is really good with the little ones but I think it’s hard for him to fully understand how overwhelming it can be and how I often don’t even get five mins to myself between him leaving and getting home again. I’d been thinking about going to the doctors but I don’t currently want to take any medication so I guess it’s trying to look after myself and see how I go. Today has been a good day. I’ve managed to get lots of sorting out done at home which always makes me happy and I feel like I’ve achieved something too. I like it when everything is in order. I’m a bit of a control freak and have been wondering today if the stress of all the organisation of Christmas etc then my oldest’s birthday and party etc this week has thrown me off balance as it’s been this past month I’ve felt really all over the place combined with my oldest having a three week break from preschool where she normally attends two days a week I’ve been constantly on the go. My youngest’s sleep has been really poor (even more so than normal!) over a similar period too. I also had a lot of stress and worry about my Dad’s
health for a few months at the end of last year which wasn’t easy but seems to be settling down now. I’ve found it odd how I’ve felt so up and down and have also wondered if I’m deficient in anything or if there are any other underlying contributing health issues. I have a few close friends who I’d feel happy chatting about how I’ve been feeling to it’s just getting the chance to chat properly with the little ones. Me and my friends always talk very openly about his hard motherhood can be while the children are so little too which is good. I’ve talked to my husband a bit but while he’s wonderful in many aspects he isn’t great with stuff around mental health as he’s a fixer.

I think it is stress not depression. The lack of sleep is probably getting you down.
You've got a lot to deal with and I can imagine what your DH is like. DP doesn't do sympathy :).
It might be worth getting a checkup or at least take a multivitamin.
Hope your Dad is ok.

I’ve just been talking to my husband tonight and he agreed that it’s likely been the result of stress. Really appreciate your replies as it’s good to get an outside perspective as I was really struggling to figure out what was going on as although I sometimes have the odd low day or feel short tempered etc I’ve never felt like that as regularly as I have recently. I’m hoping things will settle down as I get back into a more normal routine and now my Dad seems to be improving a bit too. Just need the littlest to start sleeping, I say as I’m feeding / settling him back to sleep for the second time tonight.