Depression - should I stop forcing myself?

[Steala]

I've had depression for years and it's reasonably controlled with ADs and CBT techniques. I've been having counselling and yesterday, the therapist told me that the reason I feel distanced (like I'm trapped behind thick glass) is that I'm living in my head too much, ruminating, perfectionism and dwelling on not having really enjoyed/felt an experience because I am so numb and removed from it all. The suggestion is that I stop pushing myself, relax, stop trying so hard and give myself a break. If I don't, I'll continue feeling overwhelmed and wanting to shut myself away and get even less of the pleasure I'm trying so hard to feel.

This sounds sensible... to an extent... but also terrifying. I am depressed. The only thing I want to do is lie in bed. Everything feels like a chore: having a shower (it can sometimes take an hour to convince myself), going out with friends, even watching tv. I am well enough to push myself so I get out of bed, I care for the DC, I even make it to the gym and out with friends. I am functioning and coping but I'm not feeling any of it. I am so scared that if I don't push myself, I'll never get out of bed and my life will crumble.

I know there's a lot of trust involved in overcoming MH problems and I fully accept that life as I currently live it is not great. But my children are safe and happy, the home is not a hovel and, on the face of it, I have done things, been places and had great experiences (although they don't really feel they're "mine" iykwim).

Can anyone relate? Has anyone been able to feel more? Has anyone been able to dial back the effort and ended up happier and more present? Or has anyone tried and ended up spiralling downwards?

Can anyone relate?

I relate to everything you say. Have suffered with hideous anxiety for years, and recently also started on ADs (still in the settling period). ( Also, absolutely the perfectionism, ruminating, over thinking etc).

I would be described as very high achieving from the outside, but I can't remember the last time I ever felt relaxed or happy. Everything is a struggle.

It came to a head last year after a bereavement and other intense stresses, and I've just had to stop.

Sometimes you have to take one step back to be able to move forward. You sound exhausted, and I would also think that you need to give yourself a break.

I wonder if your ADs are working well enough for you or if you need to change dose - as, without wishing to be harsh, it doesn't sound like your depression is controlled well at all. I would definitely talk to your gp again.

I've stopped work for a couple of months and trying very hard to be gentle with myself. Long walks, yoga (Adrienne on YouTube), eating healthily. The fog is slowly clearing and I can breathe again.

Healthy body, healthy mind really does seem to help, so looking after yourself, and giving yourself time to rest is really important.

It’s not clear to me if you should stop pushing to get out of bed, or stop pushing to feel like it’s not a chore ..to not worry that you found it hard, because that’s cool. In fact you should be saying wow I’m great, doing this even when I don’t want to ( because that is true)

I think you may need more clarity on that

It sounds like you are doing really well though..so close.

Another thought - read the Matt Haig books, Reasons to stay alive, and Notes on a Nervous Planet - I find them very helpful.

Thank you both. Sorry you're feeling the same, Lucking.

Yes, I wonder whether the therapist meant that I should stop trying to force the feelings. That would make more sense as I try to do more and more and more so that I actually feel something. I wonder if it's like an addiction, where you feel you need to drink/gamble etc more and more to get the same effect, whereas what you really need to do is stop. He clearly wasn't giving me licence to give up on everything and neglect the DC!

I'm externally very high functioning too - to a point. Few people know I'm depressed but the wheels totally came off at work last year so it's patently obvious to them now. To others (I've glossed over the work disaster), I'm raising 3 DC, always on time, attend all the school workshops and assemblies, do my fair share of PTA volunteering and even run the occasional half marathon. But it feels like I'm living my whole life like a Facebook page: looking good on the surface, disguising self-loathing, apathy and utter exhaustion.

I'm due a review with my GP in a few weeks so I'll discuss dosage. In the meantime, I agree it's back to basics: sleep, good food, fresh air etc. Maybe I should treat myself as an overtired toddler and be understanding and gentle, rather than insisting every rule is strictly followed (and we know what happens to overtired toddlers then!).

I've read How to Stop Time by Matt Haig and I really liked it. I'll try the others.

Thank you so much for taking the time to empathise and advise.