Do I insist on talking?

[dotnetmum]

my DS was diagnosed with depression about 1 yr ago and took a break from uni but went back a few months ago. He came back after Christmas and has been spending the whole time in his room. I leave his dinner in the fridge and he gets it when no one is in the kitchen, as well as biscuit and snacks. I let him know what we are doing in sms but he doesn't answer. I accidentally saw him one day as he was going pass and my jaw dropped and he kinda had smirky smile.
In the mean time, I am trying to spend some quality time with my daughter who is home from Ireland on holiday. But my husband and her don't get on, and sometime I think he is envious of my relationship with her. And sometimes they fight over little things like tv. My husband works on a project away from home a lot.
I feel everything is so difficult when they are all here at the same time. But then I will miss them when they are gone and I worry. I don't understand what went wrong with this life. My kids were both such good kids before. My husband is a good man but he has a temper and shouts at people (nothing more) sometimes but we were ok before.
Now it just seems that we can only have peace when everyone is their own room.
Someone said to me that I should be angry with my son for being rude but I know he is genuinely depressed, at least he was when I last had a proper talk with him months ago. So I am only worried and not angry.
I want to know how he is getting on at uni. Or when he is planning on going back but he won't talk or answer my sms. Should I barge in his room and insist?

The smirk says it all.
Why are you leaving dinner in the fridge for him?
Yes, he needs to communicate with you. Verbally, not via text. Depression is no excuse for bad manners.if he wants to live in isolation, he is at the wrong house. He is treating you badly OP and needs some ground rules.

What WhiteDust said.

And also, what options do you feel you've got in terms of moving forward with this? What does your instinct say?

I am tired of confrontations and I am scared to insist he talks to me for fear of another confrontation, especially with my husband around, who might also get heated. I just want the whole situation to go away.

It sounds like you are scared of confronting the issue because your son and DP will argue? Is that right?
What happens when you try to talk to your son on his own, without your DP present?

Just read again... your son is as confrontational with you as he is with your DH.

You're going to have to ride the storm. Decide what you want to happen and TELL your son that if he wants a bed in your house he needs to be polite. Tell him that you will no longer be his 'servant' and unless he is sharing/eating a meal with you, he will have to buy/cook for himself.
As I said, depression is no excuse for rude, unpleasant behaviour.