My state of mind

[Someday2019]

I am fine when we are fine but when we are not I'm broken😞
The state of my relationship determines my mindset. I take all the abuse because I can't cope on my own. I don't know how to just be alone. Do I give up, end the relationship and try to get medication from the doctor to alter my mood so I can hopefully cope with life. Will it even help.
He doesn't deserve my loyalty and love. He doesn't appreciate it but I don't have it in me to walk away because of my inability to cope.
I don't go to work if we've argued I know I'll just quit my job if we was to end. I wouldn't cope with getting up. He controls every aspect of my life and now my mind. I don't want to live like this anymore.

I don't want to post this but I will and I'll regret it.

I think you need to speak to a doctor and ask for a psychologist referral. You seem to have attachment disorder, you associate your wellbeing as being part of a couple with him, but it seems toxic. Do you have family to turn to? You seem so sad 😞

Can you remember a time before you met him? Can you describe to us what your life was like back then; your interests, friends, health/fitness, work etc?

Yes before him I was independent but I don't think I was happy.
I had a few moments that were low points and it was really bad.
He came into my life at my lowest. Picked me up and made me ok again. I was happy it was a perfect. Over the years things changed I'm insecure. The arguments have been bad but when it's good it's really good. When it's bad I can't cope with the things he says. I feel as though he is going to leave me all the time for someone else.
I have no friends because he never approves of anyone. I don't go out unless I'm with him. I have family but I'm to ashamed to speak to them. We portray a happy relationship and I don't want people to know it's bad.
I know what he says to me would shock others and have them say why are you with him. But deep down he doesn't mean it.
The reality here for me is I want the hurt to go away but I keep finding more things that hurt me but I can't walk away from him because that would hurt me more.

How much work have you done on yourself OP? Counselling/therapy/freedom programme?
When asked about your life before, you can only manage one line. As if you didn't exist before him.
Yes before him I was independent but I don't think I was happy.
I had a few moments that were low points and it was really bad.

I think you want to keep going like this. So you could keep clinging on. Base all your happiness on him and exclude other relationships. Do you have DC?

Or you could make some changes. What would they be?

I feel exactly the same 😞 I’ve booked a GP appointment but feel like cancelling it as I’m too anxious to go and worried what they will think.

Keep posting OP maybe we can help each other, make 2019 a better year for both of us. Even if I don’t manage to leave I want to get stronger mentally. It’s just working out the steps to get there.