DH anxiety is exhausting and I want to leave

[catherine2019]

Hi all
Feeling so drained and exhausted! My DH has suffered anxiety since I have known him. He didn't tell me for a long time and I used to think he was shy and lacked confidence so I would always try to big him up and make him feel good about himself to boost his confidence. Then shortly after we moved in together we had a huge row where I couldn't quite get my head around his behavior he admitted he suffered anxiety/ depression. Anyway it's something we tired working on with him for few years and he always claimed I 'saved' him.
Anyway we now married have 2 kids and as soon as they have come along his anxiety has gone through the roof and I just don't have the energy for the constant negativity and arguments we have over him trying to wrap them in cotton wool or wanting things in house done a certain way. I come from a very close family where we support each other and his are complete opposite so he sees my family as a nuisance. To avoid rows I keep my phone on silent and never answer calls in front of him as there involvement causes so many rows - mother looks after kids when I work so kinda screwed without her. I lie about different things with kids - i am a very social and upbeat person and find he drags me down and if something's overwhelming (such as Xmas as this puts all into overdrive with him) I am mentally exhausted and he makes me feel like I am worthless and a piece of shit basically. I have tired to talk to him about how his behavior has such a negative affect on me but he takes no responsibility and gets defensive and says things like oh you must be on your period 😡
When things are good they are good with us (not great but good enough to keep me with him) until his anxiety kicks off and I am back in this place feeling like I just wanna pack my bags and leave because I think I could be a much happier person without him in my daily life. Problem is it would kill him not seeing kids every day as he is very much involved with them! Guilt is unreal for wanting to escape cause I have felt so trapped for many years now 🙈 was very close to leaving last year and he talked me round saying he would go to counselling to try and deal with anxiety but he did f@#k all about that!!!

Sorry that was long 😳
Any advice as to what to do...? Or is anyone is similar situation?

You are unhappy. His anxiety affects the children. He will not get help. You want to split up.

Your only reason for not splitting up is that he would feel sad about it.

He tries to split you up from your family. That makes you sad. He doesn't stop.

I guess you've been well trained to put his feelings above everyone else's: yourself, your children, your family. I expect you are very careful to avoid setting him off.

What does he do when the "anxiety" hits him? What happens if you sit and unashamedly chat to your family of an evening when he's around? What if one of the children tells him to stop mollycoddling them?

A different situation but I have lived with someone with permanent low-level depression and intermittent bouts of panic/anxiety that escalated in to paranoia. What I realised was that MH problems tend to make people very selfish & self-absorbed, and that dealing with that is entirely exhausting. They are like the dementors in Harry Potter, suck the joy out of everything. You are not his carer but you have been forced in to that role. And you would definitely be happier without him which also suggests that the kids would be happier too. Can you afford to leave? If so, I suggest you give him an ultimatum. Either he goes for counseling and/or starts on medication and/or joins a peer-support group and starts to take responsibility for the way he is or you leave. And stick to your guns. This is really no way to live and we only get one shot at it.

His 'anxiety' sounds like an excuse for abusive and controlling behaviour -sorry. Not allowing you to have free contact with your family? Trying to control who you can or cannot speak to? Massive red flags.
He gets angry when you try and talk to him about your concerns? I think his behaviour is more than just anxiety.

If it was actual anxiety, he’d be anxious about upsetting his family and being divorced. But he isn’t. He’s being a dick to you cos it makes him feel better.

Anxiety makes people anxious. It doesn’t make them into utter bastards.

I don't think it's anxiety driving this either. He's being controlling

And if he DID have anxiety then he could go to the docs and get some medication for it. But that would involve him having to stop being a bastard and based on results, he gets his own way if he’s a bastard.

I don’t think this one will come good OP.

Leave. He won't change. I have anxiety. It's exhausting for me! If I could walk away from it I would. Bottom line is you're not responsible for him but you are for your kids and they may be better off in a less anxious environment with you.
Also, you did give him a chance to get help and he chose not to.
He may actually also do better without you as he could decide to try and get help.

I am the flipside to your thread. I suffer with anxiety and depression. well I have bpd but its traits my dear XP put up with a lot from me, every emotion in 10mins, not sociable, suicidal, wake up loving him hour later I hate him, told him to go every other week! every thing had to be in my perfect ocd way or id flip... just horrendous. I worried daily I was bringing him down, making him miserable, he didn't deserve to deal with my shit. we have a dd together but my anxiety made me feel that I was ruining his life -that he deserves better, made me so ill and guilty I had to let him go. I TOLD him to leave me (permanently 2yrs ago) it ripped us all apart but I knew I couldn't cope with the guilt of bringing this man down with me. he still gets to see DD and he has a new partner who he has a 'normal' happy relationship with. don't feel bad about leaving IF he wont get help. I don't blame you if you did leave. sorry its turned out quite long

Sorry that you are going through it Happyfrown. That was a very selfless act. Hope you give yourself a regular bit of appreciation for it.

My lovely dh suffers with chronic anxiety and depression. He's also the nicest, kindest, most thoughtful person I know. If I asked him to put me first he would, without question, and most of the time I don't even have to ask.

In deference to his mental health issues, I sometimes pick my moments and my battles, because I can see he's already fighting his own sometimes, and I do try to be patient with him sometimes, which doesn't come naturally to me. But we very very rarely row, and he would be mortified if he thought I was modifying my behaviour to avoid setting him off in some way. As someone upthread pointed out, having anxiety and/or depression is no excuse for being an arse.

If he values seeing the kids that much then he needs to get some help. Unfortunately though I suspect he is mistaking anxiety for shitty personality and I'm not sure what kind of treatment there is for that.

Thanks everyone for responses.
To answer some of your questions:
He has been taking medication for past 10+ years. When I ignore the signals he loses his head and has a temper with me and kids which wouldn't make me afraid of him as such but I do try and avoid that happening. He can be manipulative and slightly controlling which I have spoke to him about and he thinks it's all in my head 🤨
Yes I do agree and think part of the problem is his personality as his immediate family seem to be same which he kept hidden from me for first few years of our relationship.

On the flip side he can be very warm and caring person who works hard for our family and we have a good life. Anxiety aside he is great with our kids and loves spending time with them.

But one of your reference was bang on to Harry Potter sucking the joy out of things which is something I say to him often as he is a complete kill joy with regular stuff I try to make fun for kids. My oldest son shows a lot of his traits and shows signs of anxiety 🙈 which also drains me and think that's why I just don't have same tolerance I used to for DH.

I know I need to leave but actually don't want to as I know our lives will be turned upside down and never seen myself raising a family from a broken home. Don't get me wrong I am well fit for it and don't mind being single at all. Just more worrying about affect on kids but know staying can't have good effect. As I mentioned I had almost left last year and after I stayed I was so glad I hadn't left because I felt at that time I would regretted it.
That feeling of possible regret also stops me 🙈 how do I make a decision and stick to it 🥴🥴🥴

Your current home situation, where you are being controlled and isolated, sounds more broken than a possible future where you live as a single mum.

The more you talk about how he treats you, the worse it all sounds.

Try and do things that boost your self esteem and remind you that you have a right to decide what happens in your life.

You could phone women's aid and talk through what you've said here.
He's doing a lot of things on the 'power and control' wheel.

But I wouldn't advise you talk to him about that.

Maybe have his meds checked. Ten years and he still isn't great..... Does he have reviews or just repeat prescriptions?
Exh was depressed but his was the twat kind. I want xyz or I will be depressed. We both went through a massive trauma but I didn't end up a cow.

Give it more time. You'll come to the decision when it's right for you emotionally. FWIW I would tell your DH that he's making your life miserable and ask him to seek more/better treatment. At least you've tried then. Also make sure you get out a lot and do lots on your own with the children. Joy suckers can be life threatening/changing.

Living with him is turning your son into him. It is showing your son this is how a man should be. Your home is already broken if you are miserable and everyone tiptoes around his tantrums and whims.

Think about how your life could be without him. Imagine doing all the little nice things with your children without joy sucking. Imagine when your son starts on the sulking and manipulation how you will have the strength and authority to put your foot down and punish / give no reward and so he steps off the path to becoming an abusive man himself.

My oldest child (young adult now) suffers from anxiety. It's very difficult as he has phobias and gets so worked up about everything. We can't have a spontaneous day out or go on a holiday without lots of warning as he needs time to prepare mentally, make plans for the disasters he fears may happen etc. The GP won't give him medication. But I'm not afraid of him. I realise it's a different type of relationship but having also been in an abusive partnership I can see signs in what you're describing. I can also appreciate how torn you must feel as it's difficult to decide enough is enough when mental health issues are a factor.