i mean nothing

[happyfrown]

when my DD goes to her dads or school I am nothing, I have no purpose. I have no identity. when she goes to school its like she takes my soul with her and I cant function. I contradict that with I have to go to the gym (with my music in as im noise/surround sensitive)
because if I sit at home I think of ways out. I only go 2 or 3 times a week so I spend most of my week trying to control the dark thoughts, feeling lost and not knowing who I am.
I go to the gym because ive tried going for walks and I end up impulse buying animals to fill the void, I guess? leaving my purse at home don't work. I go home and go back. plus I need to control my weight and body shape, cals in cals out etc. soon ill have to cancel my membership due to financial situation and im worried how ill cope. this probably makes no sense, my head is a foggy mess, not sure what this post would achieve, I suppose when you in self pity you just want some one to know, to help? to say something you need to hear. I don't know.

Hi have you got some friends you can talk to? Or maybe do some volunteering to boost your self confidence. Also try talking to your doctor. You can get free counseling through your doctors. I love counseling and I really look forward to my sessions. I find I feel better once I have spoken to my counselor :)

Imagine your dd grown up and a mother herself. If she said what you have written here, what would you say to her?

You're not nothing. You're a human being, someone's daughter, deserving of love and kindness. Start by being kind to yourself.

It's not always easy and you may need help. Go to your gp. Show them what you've written here. Ask them to help you. You may need medication and/or therapy. That's okay. You are worth their time and attention. Everyone needs help sometimes. Hang in there.

I have weekly dbt sessions so cant have counselling at the moment. you cant have 2 services. im back to therapy on tues after the holiday break and if like the other sessions ill be told to breath, ground myself and talk self love not sure that helped xmas day when holding a crafts blade to your neck
my confidence is floating round space some where with my self esteem, there are days when I feel so ugly I wont leave the house. DD goes to school I come home, no gym, just lay down. nothing. not actually sure what gp's or therapist can do with someone so far gone and so deep set damaged? deep down I know theres usually only one out come which is sad

if im lucky enough to be around when DD has her own DC I would be there for her so she didn't feel like me or write those words. unlike my useless mother.

my replies read rude, its not to come across that way, im just feeling so deflated. I am appreciative of your time to read and reply x

if im lucky enough to be around when DD has her own DC I would be there for her so she didn't feel like me or write those words

That sounds like a good reason for sticking around, and you sound like a good mum. You don't sound rude at al btw, just frustrated and desperate. It sounds like you need positive people in your life, but it can be hard to find them when you're in a bad way. Is there anyone you can reach out to? Like other mums who might be around when dd is at school?

I have a fellow depressed friend who I get support from but there's not much she can do other then to be an ear and shoulder to cry on. she works so cant see her during the school time.
I used to try and make friends but im so distant and miserable I have no joy in anything and im sure I turn any positive people into pessimist within time... like my friend!
I have borderline personality disorder. im hard work. many conflicting traits that make your head burst, as much as id want to be around people my anxiety says I cant cope. which I cant. so im back in the loop on being lonely and depressed. going round in circles. I also have body dysmorphia and so ugly I hate being outside- constantly conscious of people looking at me. I come home from the gym exhausted, mentally.
therapist have tried to help, I try and be positive but then triggered by things and straight back to dark hole. it can be a mum or nan looking happy and caring or someone looking at their watch when I speak to them, if some one laughs they are laughing at me, just to easily set back.