Can't get a grip on myself

[EvansAndThePrince]

It's been a really rough year (2018 that is). I left my husband and father of my children, my aunt died and she was the person I was closest to in all things parenting so we talked a lot as we both had young children. Losing her was devastating, she was 41 and mother of two under 7. I've started what was a great relationship that went sideways and subsequently ended it after just under 6 months. I've had to give up my two kids for half of Christmas day and for half of the littlest's birthday.

I just feel horrendous about all of it. Guilty for ending both relationships. Swinging back and forth about whether it was right to end the second (I think it was, I'm just really struggling to let go and wondering if with my chaotic mind I've blown things out of proportion). Christmas and my baby's birthday sent my mental health spiralling and I'm struggling to catch it. I want to talk to my aunt about how painful it was to be away from them at those times as she's the only one who would have got it. I'm sort of hiding from everyone at the moment, only giving the bear minimum as I just don't trust myself to do the right thing on any account.

Hi.. it's all new to you so the first Christmas and birthday is always the hardest I know, it does get easier I promise. I've been divorced nearly 9 years now (mentally abused throughout my marriage) of course its painful being away from your children for those special events in life but think you have each day with them, make each day special make memories and enjoy time all your children need is love and time. I had a couple of short term relationships and realised I actually needed to focus on me find who I am once again. Don't hide from people as your mind will work overtime. You need to wrap up and get outside talk to people interact it's hard but you need to make yourself do things. I still have episodes of anxiety and depression I notice the warning signs and act in advance to try prevent the dark feeling inside. Believe in yourself, I listen to self help hypnosis on YouTube for anxiety and depression they help me sleep and I wake a lit more determined than the day before. They might not help some but I've gone through numerous amounts of therapy and medications. Here if you ever need to chat or just to sound off at and not judged , remember people do care x

The first Christmas is so so hard
It gets so much easier and you fill your life up with so many other things you enjoy and learn to love your own company.
I wouldn’t recommend rushing into new relationships, especially how you’re feeling. Work on your friendships and hobbies and build a life you love