Hi everyone,
I'm in a really bad way. But of background - I have a history of anxiety and depression and have gone through 3 failed rounds of IVF over the last two years which took me to a very dark place (including suicidal thoughts) and am currently in the final stages of the fourth round.
My family (the two that matter - my mum and brother) have lived in the US for 20 years (since my parents divorced when I was 18) and I live in the UK.
I've spent the last three weeks with them in the US and I'm absolutely distraught at leaving tomorrow. It sounds so silly as I'm sure there are bigger problems but I just can't handle it. Only seeing them once a year is destroying me. I've cried all day (along with my mum and brother who both also suffer from anxiety and depression) and I've been sick twice.
It's like this every time I leave. It's just not getting any easier. The thought of saying goodbye to them tomorrow is ripping me apart. I have no other family in England apart from my husband and I miss them so so much. My mum is my best friend in the whole world and my brother is the best.
I'm terrified of time ticking and my mum getting older with me missing all this precious time with her. I've already missed the best part of 20 years. She's 73 and every time I see her, she seems smaller and frailer. I can't even give her grandchildren.
Skype and FaceTime help, but it just doesn't cut it when all I want is a proper cuddle with them. I just want us all to be together.
Not really sure why I'm posting, there's nothing anyone can do, I just needed to get it out.
My chest hurts. My heart physically hurts.