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Mental health

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Original poster

Dad attempted suicide

21 replies

Rufftumbles · 04/01/2019 00:50

Hi
I’m sorry, I don’t know if this is the best place to post. I just need some advice.

My dad took an overdose today in an attempt to end his life. He has a history of depression, has suffered with it for 40+ years but this is the first time he’s attempted suicide. I’ve been with him in the hospital, speaking to him & he just seems to think he’s becoming ‘useless’ because he can no longer physically keep up with his job (carpet fitter) & feels we’d all be ‘better off without him’. He’s 60 and doesn’t need to work for financial reasons but he’s always enjoyed being busy.

It seems to have come out of nowhere but he says his mind is constantly busy and he was fed up of being depressed. He left a suicide note at home but I folded it into an envelope & tucked it away- I haven’t read it but also don’t know what to do with it.

He & my mother have a loving relationship, he keeps saying how much he loves her but she’ll be better off. I just don’t know what to say or where to go from here.

They are currently working on getting the drugs out of his system & then he will be referred to the psychiatric crisis team. My worry is he will play it down to the line he’s done previously. He’s very good st pretending he’s fine when obviously he’s not.

OP posts:

PulyaSochsup · 04/01/2019 01:01

I'm sorry. This is devastating for you all. It's very important that the staff are aware how serious an attempt this was, otherwise as you say, he may minimise it and not get the help he needs. Get something me rl support for yourself too, you can't be responsible, though of course you want to be there for your Dad.

Original poster

Rufftumbles · 04/01/2019 01:50

Thanks Pulya. I have a very supportive family & DH so I’m lucky. I just feel like I want to wave a magic wand and make my dad see how loved he is/feel better.

OP posts:

PenguinPandas · 04/01/2019 02:12

Would just let him know you love him and he's not useless, you all need him etc. I think he's probably struggling to adapt to his career ending, needs to find something to replace this with or accept he's done his working life and now it's time to relax / spend time with grandkids etc. If he's up to it a few days out might help. Hopefully counselling will start to improve things.

PenguinPandas · 04/01/2019 02:14

Might be worth seeing if something he can fill his time with once better like a hobby, voluntary work, non physical work.

Icepinkeskimo · 04/01/2019 02:18

I am so sad to read this OP, just over a year ago my family was ripped apart by suicide, and for us all now it's like living with a heavy black cloud on your shoulders.

I can only say this, make sure your darling dad gets help, and if you feel he's not getting enough help, make it a mission that he is getting constructive therapy. The other thing that is important is when men retire they sometimes feel they have nothing to get up for in the morning, they miss the banter, they miss their work mates, the work itself. I think women are a lot more sociable, men can really become isolated quickly and it can be a downward spiral. I just re-employed a 72 year old man, because of this very reason, he was depressed and isolated. He works 3 days a week for 5 hours a day. It was the best thing I ever did, he is a master at what he does and loves teaching the young ones and mentoring them. He is one of the 'lads' again and they respect him and adore him it's a win win situation for everyone,

Perhaps something like this may help your dad?

Sending you and your loved ones strength at this time, and thinking of you all.

MitziK · 04/01/2019 02:24

Painful though it will be, it'll be useful to read the note in case it gives an indication of what he's actually struggling with - if he's denying anything is wrong, it was just an aberration and he's fine lying through his teeth to everybody , sometimes repeating a key phrase they said can cut through the denials and get them to admit the problems (such as uncontrolled pain) and get useful help.

I hope he engages with everybody and comes to terms with whatever he needs to for a good recovery.

Original poster

Rufftumbles · 04/01/2019 05:18

Thanks everyone for your replies. I did think the same about career etc. My sister is also moving out this month- the last one of us to ‘fly the nest’ & I think he’s also struggling to cope with this change.

I agree about the note. I don’t think I can read it but part of me thinks somebody needs to incase there is anything there that can help him. Maybe my DH will be strong enough.

OP posts:

PenguinPandas · 04/01/2019 05:43

That does sound like classic I am no use to anyone, I'm just a burden and they would be better off without me type thinking. I agree your sister leaving is likely to add to his sense of not being needed. So sorry for what you are going through - I think with lots of love, support and counselling he should come through.

I think having counselling plus friends or family to chat to helps as well as things to do. I know my FIL used to complain he was useless and was frustrated there was more and more he couldn't do and I would say to him he didn't need to be useful at 80, he'ld done his life's work and now he could just be decorative Seeing the grandchildren would always cheer him up, he liked listening to music, he had some friends that would come over. A hobby where he can meet people or a sport may help.

PersonaNonGarter · 04/01/2019 05:45

Has he had talking therapy? It can be costly to go to a counsellor or psychotherapist but it is worth spending the money. He needs to go, just to air so of his worries.

Original poster

Rufftumbles · 04/01/2019 05:54

Thanks both. He’s been on antidepressants for about 20 years and has had hypnotherapy which he found really helped him to calm down and mindfulness but that was more to help him sleep. He hasn’t done either for years.

He kept saying ‘I wish they could cut out this part of my personality.’ ‘I wish I could be shocked out of it.’

I 100% agree that he needs to talk though. From the snippets I got out of him last night, it’s as though he has so much worry built up inside him. Worry over tiny things. I will gently suggest the idea of a paid counsellor today, if it’s not already suggested.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rufftumbles · 04/01/2019 05:56

Should add, he is still on antidepressants: Venlafaxine. He’s been on them for years.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rufftumbles · 04/01/2019 06:02

He does have some hobbies- he enjoys gardening but he got rid of his greenhouse a few years ago as he was going to build an extension on the land but never did. He has a big garden though & enjoys tending to it in the summertime.

His main socialising is with the other blokes down the pub on a Sunday afternoon. He has his own business so this is his only time to be with ‘the boys’. They’re quite a depressive bunch in themselves though so I don’t know if they’re much help.

Other than that, he is busy working or spending time going out & about with my mother. They enjoy holidays and things.

One thing I also completely forgot to mention is my mun was ill last year, she had part of her lung removed with a suspected tumour. She’s fine now, back in work etc. But sill being monitored and is having slight heart issues. I think he’s worried about that too.

OP posts:

PenguinPandas · 04/01/2019 06:12

Sorry to hear your Mum has been ill too, that must have been hard for both of them. The gardening sounds a good project to get him back to though bit difficult in this weather though if he got greenhouse again could carry on.

The other other thing can think of and this may well be a silly idea is a pet like a cat or a dog, dogs are more work but meet people. Cat may be easier if he's working and your Mum is ill. I have a cat and they are very loving.

Original poster

Rufftumbles · 04/01/2019 06:17

Thanks penguin, for your kind words and good suggestions, much appreciated.

They have a cat who is like a baby and who he dotes on. They always said they’d get a dog when they retired so maybe it’s time for that too. None of us have given them grandchildren yet. I don’t know why but I keep thinking if they had grandchildren it would be different. We were going to start trying at the end of this year after a big holiday anyway maybe we should just start.

OP posts:

PenguinPandas · 04/01/2019 07:05

I would have thought grandchildren would give them both something to look forward to but only do that if it works for you. Children are lovely but they takeover your life. I think even telling him you are planning on trying end of the year might help. Maybe in time he could help with things like decorating a room for your baby or they could babysit one day a week or so. Hope things get better for you all.

PersonaNonGarter · 04/01/2019 07:15

Both of them could do with some separate counselling.

Your DF needs to get his worries out in to the open to get perspective and have a chance to offload without being a ‘burden’.

Original poster

Rufftumbles · 04/01/2019 07:27

Persona I agree. He definitely needs counselling. He keeps saying ‘you’re mum is the strong one. I’m not like her, she’s put up with this for 40 years. She deserves better.’ He’s talking about his depression/depressive episodes. He doesn’t have loads but they are very dark when he does & he’s such a perfectionist, he hates it & sees himself as a ‘burden’. He’s not, of course, we love him but he can’t see that. I agree he needs separate therapy so he can offload without feeling like this.

OP posts:

Ragaroo · 04/01/2019 07:33

This is a horrible situation for you, I'm so sorry. I would read the note and then respond with my own letter. Maybe seeing your feelings written down would help him see how loved he is?

GourmetGold · 04/01/2019 16:39

Hi OP so sorry about your poor dad.
I used to be suicidal & had those same thoughts of being useless & thinking my partner would be better off without me.
We have many much loved pets & my partner loves me...but it still didn't make a difference to how a felt. Many people who are suicidal are loved very much, unfortunately it's the internal illogical negative dialogue in our heads that causes the suicidal feelings.
I would have paid for therapy but couldn't afford it, I went to my GP but there was a year's waiting list for CBT. I found a 'bilbliotherapy' list of self help books for depression & bought a CBT self help book which I found brilliant. I've now got all the author's books.
Maybe they'd help your dad. The first one a read is also available on audiobook 'Feeling Good the New Mood Therapy' Dr David Burns.
David Burns does a few good talks on YouTube, including a really good Ted Talk.
I no longer feel suicidal & highly recommend these books

GourmetGold · 04/01/2019 16:41

Original poster

Rufftumbles · 04/01/2019 18:46

Thanks so much Gourmet, that’s really helpful. Glad to hear you are feeling better too

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