Sorry if I ramble on, I’ve never actually spoken about this properly to anyone so I’ve got a good few months worth of feelings to let out blush
I had an abortion in June. I feel absolutely devastated at what I have done and it has completely changed me as a person. Beforehand, I had a lot of self confidence. I was very happy and had a lot of self esteem! I was also very social, used to go out every weekend and had a lot of friends. However, my self confidence has deteriorated. I feel awful about what I have done and have never felt so low about myself in my life. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing what I look like. I don’t like leaving the house anymore - I very rarely go out as I much prefer to stay in bed! I make all sorts of excuses to my friends about why I can’t go somewhere with them which has made issues worse because all but one of them doesn’t seem to care about how I feel. I went on holiday with them for a week in August and stayed in the room most of the time which just led to torment from them. Only one of my friends understands how I feel (not the extent to it - she just guessed I’m in a low place and messaged me sometimes to see how I am) and the rest just seem to pick on me when I am with them. This wasn’t the case previously.
As for my confidence, it is just completely gone. I feel like my life is awful. I will cry because I feel so shit about myself, which makes me cry about the baby, and then cry about all the other issues in my life. This happens a few times a week and the only way I can describe it is it makes me want to kill myself. I hate saying that because a very close member of family did commit suicide but it’s true - feeling like this I’d rather be dead than alive.
I feel so ungrateful because on the surface my life has improved so much since June! I have got a great job, my relationship is going well, I’ve bought myself my dream car... but the truth is I was just so much happier a year ago as a single, skint student. I feel absolutely awful for my boyfriend because he thinks it’s his fault I feel this way. I’ve talked about my issues a little bit with him but I wouldn’t tell him about my suicidal thoughts because that would just worry him no end and I don’t want to burden him with that.
I’ve suffered in silence basically for over 6 months now! I’ve always toyed with the idea of going to the doctor but I am just so bloody scared to do it I never have. I have decided it is now or never; I am clearly not coping on my own and as it gets closer to what would have been my due date (end of this month) I just feel worse and worse and worse sad. What would I even say to my doctor? I feel like I’d just start crying as soon as I start to talk about it. I find it so hard. What do I say to the receptionist on the phone? I feel embarrassed because I’ve brought this all upon myself.
Sorry for going on and on and thank you to anyone who reads this smile