I'm a fucking shambles of a person

[CheddarIsNotTheOnlyCheese]

Here's why.

1. I haven't showered in 8 days. I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. So why bother?
2. I'm a shitty role model to my kids. (Fat sugar addicted idiot that hides away in my room)
3. I am in too much pain with sciatica to work so other than child benefit I have no cash. I rely on dh for everything.
4. I only quit smoking (in August) because I hated asking dh for money to buy them. Every day I'm gagging to smoke.

5 I'm a fat fuck.

1. I'm so disorganised. I've run out of Sertraline so am taking Mirtazipine that I found in a drawer until I can get a new prescription.
2. I have zilch libido. I never initiate sex. I love dh so much and feel awful that I've become this way. He didn't sign up for this.
3. My house is messy and cluttered. Since I've been this way it's become unmanageable. I have 3 kids and dh who are all able bodied so how come the house is like this? I collapse so everything else has to?
4. I have no friends. I did have 3 close friends but they've all dropped me despite me being there for them in many different ways over the years. I feel so lonely.

10 I don't know where to begin or how to sort my life out. I'm 40 in 3 weeks and feel disgusted with myself. I've let life pass me by.

Rather than boil the ocean and do it all, just do two things today? Can you sort out your meds first and then clear dishes in kitchen for example? You'll feel heaps better. And it will be a start. Do 2 things everyday and tell your husband too..

Thank you Cookie. Dh has told me he doesn't care anymore. I think everything has got on top of him. He was glad to get back to work yesterday. I feel terrible asking him or the kids for help. The kids do nothing but shout and fight all the time. Asking them to do anything turns into an all out war. It's exhausting.

Well it's NY now a new start. Today is a new day, don't delay. Do 2 things are report back on what you've done.

Yes just aim for a couple of things a day, and everyone else in the house too, how old are your kids?
Today

1. Shower
2. Sort our meds
3. Wash up

Don’t feel bad telling the kids to help, they live there too, prioritise jobs and find age appropriate jobs they can do
Easy tasks like, empty all the bins, dust, hoover, strip their beds, help with laundry
If you all do half an hour of jobs a day that’s like one person doing 2 hours (assuming you have 2 kids)
It’s hard but just take small steps, don’t take on too much, little and often will sort out the bigger picture
Good luck

It's never too late OP to make a change. Things like getting meds sorted can feel overwhelming when you lack energy. If you can focus on shopping for and eating nutritious food and taking vitamin supplements this week, you might start to feel less of a sugar-driven wreck. This website is very useful for inspiration and advice on reducing sugar www.dietdoctor.com
The world won't stop if your house is messy. But your health is a priority. Try to improve that first. It's actually a good thing that you didn't want to ask your DH for cigarette money - you stopped and it's better for you and your DC if you can stay away from them. Good luck.

Half the battle is mentally committing to it and saying out loud I will do this and this. When during the day will you have some energy? Do it then. You just need 30mins out of your 24 hours day and do 2 things. What are they going to be?

I always say that to myself. Tomorrow it will be to buy a curtain pole and clean all the bathroom sinks in the house. I won't clean all the bathrooms...it's too big a job in my head but I can go round and give each sink a quick once over.

Thank you so much for the replies. I still haven't showered. But I got out of bed and made food for the kids. I'm about to shower and do a hair treatment.

How are you feeling OP?

Number 4 should be crossed off for a start OP! How does that make you a shambles that you're gagging to smoke? Every ex smoker is gagging to smoke! But you're not actually doing it, so that's a good thing!

Which hair treatment did you use?

I'm sick from work today and my house is a tip too so I'll keep you company.

Could you try doing some voluntary work for a few hours a week to get you out the house?

Thank you so much for the kind responses. I've managed a shower every day since the last time I posted. I'm really struggling with sleep which probably doesn't help. The kids are back in school and therefore a routine which helps immensely. I don't normally use a hair mask (as my hair is greasy) but my lapse in personal care caused my hair to become extremely knotty and I knew my normal spray conditioner wouldn't cut it. I noticed there was no greasiness which means that I really don't need to wash it daily and it's true that washing everyday increases it. (Greasiness)However I feel weird showering without washing my hair. Anyway the main thing is I'm washed, dressed and passing for human again.

As for smoking I think I'd thought I'd get a little bit of encouragement from dh. As I'm not contributing towards its one way of saving money that I can do. However it's a struggle for me and it's just as well I'm not working as having my own money and being a barmaid I'd never quit. I was keeping a log of each day fag free (just a tick in my diary). Dh said that was the kind of behaviour typical of an alcoholic. He apologised but only after I laid into him. I said surely anything that keeps me from smoking should be encouraged and not derided. He said he meant not to get obsessed and because I don't plan on smoking again what's the use in keeping count as it'll just be constantly on my mind. Will I still be counting in 3 years time? I see his point. It just hurt my feelings.

I'm just off to Costco. First time outside in days.

How old are the DC?

Not smoking since August is an amazing achievement! If you want the kids to help more, I’d pick one thing like keeping your room tidy, and give them a window - like it’s tidy by Saturday lunchtime otherwise there’s a consequence, then keep adding to it.

It’s good for them, it’ll make them more confident adults if they can do basic chores.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better.

I don't know if it will help but - When I was on sertraline I piled on the weight, and it ended up making me feel worse. I had no sex drive and I couldn't come AT ALL, even if I managed to get some. I went over to escitalopram and felt much better, kind of went a bit more normal and it was a bit easier to lose weight too. Have you got a med review soon? The mixing of the mirtazapine and the sertraline won't be helping you but perhaps it's time for a change in meds? Just a thought.

Agree with previous posters, a little every day will be an enormous help and make you feel tons better. I gave up smoking when I fell pregnant with my last baby (he's 5 now) and I rather wish I'd kept a tally! I am also gagging for one every day but haven't given in.

Hope today has been mildly better for you.

Kids are ds 15 in Feb dd 13 in Feb and dd 10 in March. I'm 40 in 2 weeks and dh was in December. We call the period between December and March Birthday Season. as nearly every other close family member has their birthday then too. So Christmas is stressful money wise as essentially we are buying double. I told everyone in October that as we were struggling we wanted to skip Xmas presents for the kids and each other and just buy for grandparents. Everyone agreed. It felt like such a relief and very noticeabley stress free as I usually had 30+ gifts to wrap and buy. It was nice just buying my own kids stuff. However on Boxing day we were the only ones who didn't have presents to hand out. It was made worse by fil who asked if we had left the presents in the car loudly. He was there when we brought it up first time. When I reminded him of the agreement he said Oh right moving on and made this face . So now that's another thing on my mind now. Why do people (and by people I mean "family") agree but then ignore what was agreed? I feel like it's put me on the back foot? I know that sounds mad but not having to sit around opening gifts in front of each other was a bonus. as well as not having to find house room for cheap nonsense plastic shite.
Also if you ever thought to yourself no one would ever think up the idea of putting a rake of already heavy toiletries into a very heavy wooden lantern with real glass and sharp metal edges then yes you were sorely mistaken.

I fully sympathise but you know Christmas is hugely over rated on the commercial side with everyone mostly buying tat anyway. You need to start controlling your inner voice. It's not always you with the issue!! On the Xmas gift incident it was your fil that was on the backfoot!! Same as he gave you a face, you could have reacted the same or worse. People who automatically give a 'face' do it because they don't put themselves in other people's shoes. You are more sensitive and considerate so you don't automatically do that and give a 'face'.

There is an excellent book on Amazon called 'How to not give a fuck'. It's brilliant.

If you've to go to your GP for your new prescription get your B12 and iron checked too. Are you on any pain meds for sciatica? Have you been to a physiotherapist?

I know getting to the GP can feel like a whole other battle. I know it's like to feel taking the washing out of the machine is an overwhelming task.

5 minutes of doing something and then have a break.

You did great showering and getting out to the shop.

@Apileofballyhoo getting bloods done is a fantastic idea. I was more forgetful and lethargic than usual, turned out my b12 was ridiculously low and I had to get 5 injections to boost it back up again. Could be part of ops problems too.

Definitely go to the doctor, op. It will do you good.

I know it's all a battle but you will be ok. Slow and steady.