Lone, single parent ready to give up

[Prettyquirky]

A new year and still so desperately lonely. I feel so isolated. I am a mum of a 6 year old girl. Her father died Dec 2013 when our daughter was one years old. I’ve had a few relationships since then - but they didn’t work out. I have lost all hope of meeting someone or ever being happy ever again.
I try to look at the positives, but I am so anxious and down all the time.
I wish I could just disappear and make the feelings stop. But I can’t leave my daughter. She has already lost one parent.
But I am struggling and have no idea what to do.

So sorry to hear that you are struggling. New Year is a difficult time I think. There's this idea it is a time for changes and that creates pressure.

Have you spoken to your gp about how you feel? Or have any wider support. I think Gingerbread support single parents?

Have you got anything nice planned for you and your daughter today?

Prettyquirky, you've had a lot to contend with in the last five years and at this stage in your life, with a young child, you don't have the freedom to replenish yourself with the life that is out there, that would feed your soul and give you the will to go on and look forward with enthusiasm.
My story is different in that I fled from an abusive man and had 100% responsibility for two small children. And looking back, the lowest I ever felt was new year's eve five years after I'd left him. I felt like I was stagnating and it was that stagnation that was grinding me down .
Connecting with other single mothers of a child about the same age is a good idea and perhaps you could meet them through gingerbread.

Allow yourself to make plans for your future even if they cannot come to fruition immediately because if all of your small decisions are working towards the goal you have allowed yourself to form in your optimistic imagination then you will feel like you are moving bit by bit in the right direction.

That’s how I feel. Stagnated. Like nothing is ever going to get better. Like I’m just existing. I’m here for my daughter, nothing else. My mind is full but blank at the same time. I’m off work for Christmas and the new year, but back on the 7th. I work in a school full time, but I’m not enjoying my job. I feel trapped. It’s a stressful job and I make just enough money to get by. But I have no money for holiday or luxuries. I pay all the bills on my own. 5 years is a long time to do this for and I’m just fed up of it now

I’ve basically spent Christmas and New Year on my own. I feel very disconnected from the world. My family seem to think I should be ok but I’m really not. I’ve just been round to my parents with my daughter as my brother and my nephew have come round. But I just don’t feel right. I don’t want to talk to them and I am conscious of looking ‘sad’ or ‘depressed’ to them. My mum said to me on Christmas morning ‘try and crack a smile’ which really hurt me. She is trying her best, I know. But she has never had to watch her child open presents on her own, go to bed every night on her own, pay all her own bills, work full time, run her child around to lessons before and after school, cook all the meals, do all the housework, try and fit some time with friends in, do the bed time routine every night, entertain a very active 6 year old etc.
She said ‘you have to be happy for her sake’. I put on a happy smile almost all of the time. It’s exhausting. Because, most mornings I find it hard to just get out of bed. But I have to. I have responsibilities. There is no pleaser in my life. I love my daughter with all my heart. But there must be more to life than this.
I’ve lost my happy, my mojo and my ‘umph’
X

I’m feeling very low today too. I left my husband in September we have a one year old with development issues. I made it through Christmas feeling ok. I don’t know why but I just feel crap today. I feel like new year is supposed to be positive and all about new beginnings but I just feel like it’s going to be more of the same shite this year I’m not looking forward to it at all.

Sorry this probably isn’t helpful but I wanted you to know you’re not alone feeling a bit pants today. Big huge hugs to you xxx Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I do know how that feels, I’ve been a single parent since dd was 18mo the old. My ex has very limited access. I am the 24/7 parent. I also work full time (in a school weirdly!). I have financial problems too. I’ve had problems with depression and self medicating with alcohol and restricting food over the years.
I’d advise talking to your GP I went on antidepressants for a while but the thing that helped me most was counselling. I figured out that I’m a people pleaser and I learnt to put myself first. DD is now 7 and I’m single. Still broke! But I don’t drink, I eat sensibly and I’ve stopped setting myself unrealistic targets. I’m also no longer depressed. It took time and it wasn’t easy but I’m in a much happier place.
You can get through the other side. Sometimes just the small things in a day (like dd giving me a hug and saying she loves me) is all you need to keep going.

When my marriage ended 8 years ago, it felt like I'd been living in a skyskraper and suddenly I was living in the rubble under that skyskraper and could barely move. The one thing that I had was a friend who would message me everyday that I was doing my best and help me make at least 3 steps to better my situation. I was also in a job I didn't enjoy which was adding to my depression but in actual fact, it was making me get out of bed. I dread to imagine if I didn't have that now.

The small steps I took were things like take vitamins (I took 5htp for a while, which is a herbal type anti-depressant), drink water, spend some fun time with DD, go a walk (eventually turned into runs), write down 3 things I appreciate, guided mediations, read a chapter of a good self help book (WishCraft by Barbara Sher really got me moving and its free online if you google) etc...

Soon enough these little things start to shape your life, I decided to retrain, I bought my first home, ran a half marathon... am well out of the rubble, along a path to somewhere a lot better - I may still have to dust myself down (need to lose weight, widen my social circle, get back into dating) but I can say I am 100% feeling better. Tiny steps OP, you are doing your best and you can do it.

My husband passes away in June and we have been doing fine. But between Christmas and new tear is the loneliest I have ever felt in my life. I’ve quickly learnt being a widow is lonely though- some people even avoid speaking to you. I can’t just pop round my friends now as I always have the kids with me. So she comes here but it’s not the same relationship being interrupted by children all the time.

I doubt I can offer any advice as I’m
So newly widowed but things will get better. As your child grows you will get some of your freedom back and be able to get out there and live again. It’s a huge pressure looking after children when their daddy has passed but just remember that you are doing your best in the most difficult of situations.

Hi. Thanks for your comments. I’ve been on anxiety and depression meds for about 5 years. I had my dosage increased last year and now take 150mg sertraline a day. I’ve been in and out of counselling for 5 years aswell. I am currently on my first lot of official bereavement counselling. I have my third appointment on the 4th. It can’t come soon enough! I feel desperate for it. I wish I had made another appointment over the Christmas period. I really didn’t anticipate feeling so bad. I feel weighed down. I don’t want to move today

I don’t really have any advice, but just wanted to send you a virtual (((hug))) and . I’ve found single parenting gets easier as they get older and you can relate to your kids on a different level, and have more of an “adult” conversation with them. Counselling is great, but you don’t always feel the benefit immediately, it certainly was a massive help to me though.
I think this time of year can be really tough, but I hope 2019 gets better for you. xx

Hi prettyquirkey. I could have written your post.my husband died in 2016 and I have two young children. No matter what I do things just never seem to get better. Life feels like such a misery at times. I too feel like giving up but I can't as it would destroy my children. Sorry for being so negative and I wish I could give you some words of encouragement. Do you RL support

Hi prettyquirkey. I could have written your post.my husband died in 2016 and I have two young children. No matter what I do things just never seem to get better. Life feels like such a misery at times. I too feel like giving up but I can't as it would destroy my children. Sorry for being so negative and I wish I could give you some words of encouragement. Do you RL support

Is RL relatives? If so, yes. In ways - yes. But in the holidays when I’m off work everyone seems to just disappear.
Every day is a struggle for me at the moment.
My partner and I weren’t married so I received absolutely nothing when he passed away. In fact I was left with bills to pay that he hadn’t paid for months. It was a nightmare.
I’ve paid them all off - but now I just live from pay day to pay day. Existing. Not really living at all.
I feel broken.
I’m really sorry you’re feeling the same way. It’s truly awful :(

Hi OP,
Single mum, work full time, been on Sertraline 6 years and sending you a huge hug. What you are doing every day for your little girl is amazing and you are a strong awesome lady.
This time of year is hard, sad and lots of pressure/ happy families which makes it isolating.
You will feel better once back in routines and even though day to day life is hard, your dd will give you strength to keep going. Nobody knows what's around the corner, this year will bring positive changes. As your daughter gets older she'll entertain herself more and give you a break to chill more. She'll make school friends, have them over when they play it's a bit of you time and let her go to theirs. Try and reach out get a babysitter/ friend/ colleague to give you an hour or two even if you just read a book, take a bath or shop in peace! It'll all help you. Just trust that life will get better and easier.
Finally hormones made me very low when PMT so be gentle at those times and stsy with it, it will get better and you're a bloody superstar xxx

It makes everything more difficult when financially you struggle. I have a good job and do receive the widows pension but still struggle constantly. I did try online dating and met a few men but I was not in a good place and was definitely just willing to settle to avoid the loneliness. Initially my friends/family were great but slowly they all drifted away and I get a sense when we do meet they are uncomfortable with my misery. Can’t blame them really I suppose. Christmas was hard looking at so many happy families and I feel so hard done by. I know I’m wallowing in self pity here. It’s hard when you have so much responsibilities on your shoulders kids/ work to heal yourself. My son is 6 and is a total live wire,my daughter is 9 and it has been very hard on her too. Time has helped with grief but the reality of the constant hardship is still there. Sorry I’m such a mope probably the last thing you need to hear. But you’re definitely not alone I hear you sister!

Aw thanks, some lovely things to say. Made me smile. Thankyou. I need to try and focus more on the positives and try to stop dwelling on the negatives. I’ve been dealt a shitty card (lol) but I need to reflect on all that I have managed to achieve. My daughter is fabulous and I get a lot of comments on how lovely she is and how well she is being brought up. We are close and I am so happy about that. It’s just been mega hard this Christmas and New Year. We can do this ladies. Xx

You are doing amazingly well yes. You are mighty! You can do this!