Long post. Struggling mum.

[Welshheart]

I'm 43 with a 11 mth old baby.
I also have a 23yr old son at uni. Didn't come home for Xmas so not seen since July. Apologies in advance as bit long.
I'm struggling so much with my mental health I really don't know what to do.
I'm already on antidepressants & take a thyroid medication as I'm underactive.
I suffer with extremely bad PMT every month without fail starting 10 - 15 days before period. My life during this time turns to shit. I have uncontrollable mood swings, anger, extreme sensitivity to everything, & depression anxiety goes up a notch (to what usually is). It affects everything. I have shouted screamed, thrown things, said awful things in rage & it's been really bad. My memory goes bad, concentration v poor & cannot focus on one thing to finish it. I literally go round in circles. ☹️

My partner is a good man but he struggles as I pick arguments & bring up past as I feel so insecure, (he now divorced, has children with ex that not allowed to see). He has packed his things many times but this month he almost left. His mother however said no to him going there. He stayed & we made up but things are still not great.

This month I've fallen out with Co worker, I've only been bk in work 3 weeks after maternity leave, I do 3 shifs a week, but had been put down for both sat & sun two weeks in a row, I said that I could only do one day on a weekend either a sat or Sun & then my two other shifts in week to be told that I couldn't do this. I explained my partner works weekends & my mother cannot do both days, to which reply was "well we have kids too etc". I tried explaining that this can't be difficult to do & that it was the only way I could do it but the conversation somehow got quite uncomfortable & with that I grabbed my things & walked out. This was a week ago.

We have no manager at present (she has been suspended) so area manager is dealing, I emailed her explaining, asked to take some leave & planning to see gp for help. I mentioned that felt coworker was bullying me into agreeing to do all weekend & intimidating (as another girl present) & that I felt this was unacceptable, she did not even comment on it.

Neither me or bf have friends as such, we pretty much just got each other. We moved last July into a house so both in new area.
I don't seem to make friends easily so I do get very lonely about this. Bf has his work colleagues & that's it he says. He's not much of a drinker so not bothered about going out.

I struggle with my appearance & get obsessive about my hair etc as in it has to be perfect to leave the house (which can take a long time), I had it highlighted meaning it got bleached & now it's damaged & my dark roots just make it look crap. When I'm very stressed I pull at it & tweeze hairs out which has resulted in almost bald area. 😕 I make hair appointments then cancel, so I can't return to usual one as so embarrassed for cancelling again. I'd like roots dark & balyage highlights going lighter to ends but it's Bob length & they said couldn't do it as too short, but I've seen lots on Pinterest of my length?
I have put on weight due to baby (stomach mainly) which cannot lose & so my clothes don't sit right, I feel old, unattractive & not even a nice personality to make up for it.. I'm jealous, insecure, paranoid & lonely. ☹️

I have asked for counselling before but didn't receive any. Every month I know it's going to be bad again. I've joined every group I can about PMD & tried to seek advice. Struggled so much this winter, I don't go out that much & live in rural area so nothing accessible unless by car. Bf works long hrs so often comes bk tired & falls asleep. I feel so lonely & broken but I cant reach out or explain how I feel so often it comes out as a bad mood/go quiet.
Thanks if got this far. X

Oh bless you, that sounds like a lot to deal with. As someone who has a lifetime of experience with mental health issues, it sounds a bit like BPD. Maybe read up on that. I'm the queen of mood swings and insecurities, my brain loves bringing up every bad thing that's ever happened so I completely empathise with how you feel. I'd say the best thing to do is focus on your mental health, it takes more than antidepressants unfortunately. Do some research and go to your doctor, explain that you need more help. With regards to your partner, remember that he's going through this with you. It's you and him versus the problem, not you versus him. My best piece of advice is this - don't show up to every fight you're invited to. Your brain will constantly try to start a problem that doesn't even exist. It's mental illness talking, it's not you. Sending you lots of good vibes

Thank you hellabellabluebell. Means a lot to get a reply. Yes I've looked up BPD & I do wonder if it's that, I struggle with a sense of identity & 'sense of self', I push others away but at same time desperate for their affection..in past I've acted impulsively & had a problem with drinking. Also engaged in dangerous situations due to my la K of self worth.

I doubt drs would take me seriously if I rolled up saying I'd assessed myself to have BPD, but I know that it is serious what ever it is.

I had an assessment with a MH nurse whilst I was pregnant as my moods were way out & my rage was very bad, she assessed me & then sent a letter saying I didn't require their services! So, no help there, even when I'd physically assaulted my bf during a rage.

So yeah, he's had a hell of a lot to put up with. It's the insecurity of him having (a lot of) children with his ex & he was with her for a long time, even though he said it wasnt a good marriage, I convince myself that he still thinks of her/would rather be with her sexually etc that they must have had sex loads to conceive so many & so quickly after having one baby she fell with another, then another etc, I just don't feel like I measure up. She was v confident (arrogant & cocky) as he put it, & I'm nothing like that.

I know it's before I met him but I think it's because he's the first man I've ever really loved & felt safe with, that this bothers me so much.. We met when he was in late forties & separated, we pretty much hit it off straight away & he told me about his situation with children /ex wife etc so was totally upfront. I appreciate that but I do wonder if I was just so 'grateful' for a man to like me that I didn't think it through the possible consequences.
He says he never wants to marry again also, which makes me sad as I never have & we now have a son together. I brought my eldest up by myself which was damn hard & vowed that I'd never do it again.
Thank you again for your message. I truly appreciate it. ❤️

I'm sorry you're struggling.
I'm not sure about BPD but you do need help. You could be on medication which helps with PMT, there are specific ones which help. Also, you need therapy to deal with relationships.Often, women struggle in silence and when they do seek help they look like they're coping. You need to write down how bad it is, and make them listen. Life doesn't have to be like this, you deserve to be ahppy x
Also bringing children up by myself. You're awesome x

This sounds hormonal, as well as all the triggering stresses you have. I am not always sure that hormonal contraception does not sometimes complicate mental health issues ( I'm pretty sure it did with me) but we are all different and perhaps it might be worth a try?

You seem to be catastrophising about your bloke. I was doing the same about everything in my life till quite recently. Of course someone telling you this can't make you snap out of it, but know that I at least have come out of it, when I thought it would never get better. Hang onto any hope you have, and I'm sending you a gentle virtual hug...

That definitely sounds like BPD symptoms. Doctors hate a self-diagnosis but mentioning that you feel like you identify with a particular condition can massively help. It's sometimes very difficult to express how you feel especially to medical professionals, it's much easier to just go straight in and say that you've been looking into it and this is how you feel and you'd like some help. Unfortunately you have to be pushy with mental health. I was rejected by my CMHT five times and even told I needed to have an "incident" (trip to A&E) to be classed as worthy of an appointment. Then I moved to a different town and straight away the doctor put me through as an emergency case, I now receive the best care I've ever had. Not every doctor will understand, and my experience of mental health nurses is awful. Keep trying and you will get there, just be persistent.

Regarding the ex, I very much understand that. My ex was obsessed with his ex and it was clear he would leave me in a heartbeat if she wanted him, it made me very insecure. I've only started to feel secure in my current relationship because we passed the 3.5 year mark (how long he was with his ex) and the insecurities weren't helped by his family referring to her as "the love of his life" and I wouldn't measure up because she was in the navy and I'm not fit to work. Heartbreaking stuff so I'm feeling your pain. Something to bear in mind, his ex probably has insecurities about you. She's probably looking at you and your qualities and thinking that if she was like you then they wouldn't have broken up. She might be feeling jealous, it's very likely. Something to remember is that if he thinks about her, that's his problem, it's in his head and he's choosing you. Don't torture yourself with what you think he's thinking, you'll always imagine the worst, I do too.

I hope this helps, I identify so much with what you've said and I promise once you separate what is a reasonable thought and what is mental illness, life gets a hell of a lot brighter.