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How do I lead a more peaceful life?

14 replies

joliejoleen · 31/12/2018 11:42

I've had the shittiest year ever. My wonderful mum passed away suddenly at the beginning of the year, at the age of 57. Six weeks later my shitty partner left me, after months of mental and emotional abuse. He left me with debt that we'd accumulated thanks to him (he would start a new job and leave it within a month and that happened about 4-5 times, last time being 24 December). The day he left me I had nothing in my account because I'd just paid all the bills. He got paid on the day he walked out - he left me £90 on the kitchen table... I was supposed to survive on that for two weeks...with two young children! I thought I was going to die. Work, debt, children. And then in July I discovered that the childminder had been verbally abusive to my little one and had also left him on his own on a few occasions (he was 2 at the time). Police and social services got involved and it was just awful. And then in September one of my colleagues was given a responsibility in our department and became very difficult to work with. She patronises me and treats me like I'm an incompetent dimwit. I used to love going to work and now I dread it...
And then three weeks ago I became so ill, I spent a week in bed, half conscious...I'm still not 100% well, I have sinusitis and a bad cough...
So yeah, a shitty year. But I've been at home for a week now, just with my kids and I feel so calm... I wish I could feel like this more often, especially when i go back to work next week. So I guess, my question is, how can I lead a more peaceful life? How do I detach myself from all the shit at work, how do I manage kids, housework and everything else and remain at peace? I cannot have another year like this, I really want to feel calmer, not snap at my kids anymore etc. Have you got any advice, lovely people?

OP posts:
Naughtykitty · 31/12/2018 11:55

I've been reading a book about Buddhism. It's brilliant. If you're not familiar with Buddhism it's well worth reading up on. You don't have to become a Buddhist, nor do you have to go anywhere to "worship" or anything like that. I've taken bits from it and it just helps me to be more grateful each day and to feel calmer! I think it's called Buddhism for Beginners and it has an orange front cover.

I've also been reading lots about Chakras, very interesting and again helped me get some areas of my life in order.

Xx

NameChanger22 · 31/12/2018 12:09

Hi OP

Sorry to hear you had such a difficult year. It sounds like you've had an awful lot to deal with. None of it is your fault. Forgive yourself for getting stressed, most people would.

I've been through a lot of difficult stuff too and come out the other end now. Nothing lasts forever.

A few things helped me. This might sound a bit mad, but when I was being bullied at work I watched the Shawshank Redemption and loved the way the main character dealt with hardship and injustice, so I just kind of acted how I thought he would act. I don't know anyone in real life who is as good a character so he was a good person to model for me. Always try and rise about the situation and be as good and calm as you can be and forgive yourself if you fall short.

Diet plays a huge part. As much fruit and veg as you can manage and keep meat and processed food to a minimum. I think meat makes people angry.

Spend at least 15 minutes every day doing something you love. It lifts the spirit and gives you the energy to get on with the daily grind.

Probably a bit of exercise and meditation would help too.

Wishing you a much better 2019.

PersonaNonGarter · 31/12/2018 12:15

Honestly, give less of a shit. Especially about work. And your ex.

Focus on your DC and staying financially stable. And do lots of walks in the park.

hellabellabluebell · 31/12/2018 13:05

Sorry to hear you've had a shitty year, mine was 2014 and it broke me. I now have the most peaceful and drama-free life ever but it took some work and a few big decisions. I moved to a different county, new job, new friends, a town where no one knew me. I got a divorce on the grounds of abandonment which was hell but the relief of being free from him was overwhelming. He took everything from me and left me in a massive financial shitstorm, that was very difficult to recover from. Just completely escaping the drama was everything I needed. I didn't run away from my problems, I just let them go. I had a serious cull of the people in my life and got rid of anyone toxic (family included). It was the most liberating thing I ever did. I was pretty young when I did this but I did it alone and whilst pregnant, also with severe mental health issues.

Two things helped me - feeling peaceful and feeling empowered. Find the things that give you strength, find what inspires you. The main thing is being free from that twat, everything else will get better, I promise.

Much love and positive vibes for 2019

Naughtykitty · 31/12/2018 13:15

Something @PersonaNonGarter said has reminded me of another book I have read.

The life changing magic of not giving a fuck.

Absolutely brilliant. Highly recommend it! If you don't have time to read then download it on the audible app and listen to it in the car. This is what I did. Really helped me to let go of the daily little things and even some of the big things that wind me up! X

noego · 31/12/2018 13:16

You have already lived your worst days and survived. Just observe everything without attachment. Other peoples projections and identities are not real. They are manifested in the unreal. It is all just a movie. Sit back and watch it. It can be very amusing.

zozozoo · 31/12/2018 15:29

Just wanted to say thank you for posting and to the posters who have responded also. Nothing was making my brain calm down until this. Sorry to hear about your awful year I hope your next one is much better

CallMeRachel · 31/12/2018 15:44

Hi @joliejoleen I've also had the worst year of my life so your post interested me.

I'm sorry to hear everything that has happened to you in such a short space of time. Losing your lovely mum so young then discovering how selfish your partner was must have been frightening.

I'd try and look at him leaving as a positive to free you up from the dead weight of unreliability and creator of debt.

Situations at work can be stressful but if everything in your home life is off balance something has to give. If you can compartmentalise that's what to do.

If the woman is making you feel shit then stand up to her, call her on it. Doing nothing will grind you down to the point where you want to leave because you can't bear it anymore. Look at assertiveness books or get inside her head and try and mind play her a bit. I liked what a pp said upthread about the character in Shawshank Redemption.

Lastly, look at Mindfulness and yoga.

Cut processed foods and caffeine from your diet. You're probably run down and ill because your body has been overwhelmed with stress lately.
Drink lots of water, add sliced lemon.

You can do this (I need to too!) Grin

joliejoleen · 31/12/2018 17:14

I'm so glad I posted. What lovely messagesSmile Sorry to hear that some of you have had a tough year too. I hope the advice left on this thread helps a bit Flowers
I do feel completely and utterly run down. This year felt like being hit by a truck...over and over again. I am desperate to turn my life around and to also stop giving a shit,as one of the posters suggested... but how do I do that? Grin how do I not get wound up by passive aggressive e-mails from my colleague? Or by the uselessness of my ex? How do I survive the daily grind?

OP posts:
Naughtykitty · 31/12/2018 22:29

@joliejoleen start by reading that book...The life changing Magic one. It helps you to sort out which things in your life you need to care about and which you don't. And teaches you to simple say...no! A valuable lesson I've learnt. Xx

DianaT1969 · 31/12/2018 23:22

Glad to have stumbled upon this thread. I need to know this too.
how do I not get wound up by passive aggressive e-mails from my colleague? Or by the uselessness of my ex? How do I survive the daily grind?
I imagine we need to detach our emotion from these daily annoyances. As if we're watching a film. I'm going to download that book.

joliejoleen · 01/01/2019 12:51

Yes, detaching our emotions from all those annoyances. And the more I think about it, the more I realise it's something we need to do consciously.
I'm definitely buying the book, I'd love to not give a fuck about sooo many things.
Happy New Year to you all, thank you for replying. ❤

OP posts:
noego · 01/01/2019 13:28

@joliejoleen

Of course it is the detachment that is your route to peacefulness. The consciousness can observe everything.
It observes all the senses and both the practical and psychological mind.
If you can observe all of these without attachment, how can they harm you?
They are there all the time, working away and reporting back to consciousness. Consciousness just reads the report. IT doesn't react to the report.
Hold your hand out in front of you. Can you see your hand? Can your hand see you?

Hope you understand.

joliejoleen · 01/01/2019 13:43

I do 😉

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