Anxiety - dirty little secret ?

[Befraggled]

I have been battling silently with anxiety for years so this is my first step to 'coming out' I guess.
It's like I'm never happy. I hate myself, I hate my weight, I hate my attitude, how I look, how I lack motivation, my rubbish parenting skills, how I'm a rubbish friend... I could go on... But what do I do about all of these things I hate? Nothing.
I just isolate myself, get snippy withmy husband and children and then cry a lot.

Went to the doctor about 18 months ago, had a big cry and panic attack and he prescribed citalopram. Took them for a month and then stopped as husband found them and didn't understand. Since then I've been hiding how I feel but it's been getting worse.
Recently I've been having bad thoughts, not necessarily about actually hurting myself but I've been wondering how it would feel or how I would do it etc. That's not right is it to be thinking like that?

I want to be happy and normal but a bit of me thinks maybe I've always been like this so maybe it's just who I am.

I'm 31, and have 3 kids... I want to be happy but can't be bothered...

Any advice greatly appreciated xx

I had 3 months off work with anxiety, I have a bit of an understanding of how you feel.

How did I get through it? I was prescribed mirtazapine, I have taken citaloorsm in the past I also had three sets of CBT and talk therapy as well.

The biggest thing that got me through it once I was over the wirst, was a desire not to feel like that any more.

I assessed the things that caused by anxiety and carefully detached from them.

I also learned a lot of techniques from CVT to deal with anxiety when it was at its worst, such as detaching from catastrophising. Or parking a problem until I actually had to deal with ut.

It's difficult and you do need to get a support network, your GP can refer you to steps to wellbeing which will give you access to therapy.

Sorry to hear you are suffering. I avoided taking ADs for several years as my family were so unsupportive of them and made me feel like a failure who was at risk of becoming a junkie if I took them. After about 3 years I cracked and started taking citalopram and I'm pretty sure it saved my sanity. Family were never supportive of my 'addiction to those drugs' but I had good therapists, did a lot of reading about how they work (SSRIs are not addictive - but, like other meds, eg blood pressure tablets, stop working when you stop taking them) and felt like my life had been improved more than I ever thought possible so I stuck with the ADs & told my family where to stick it! As well as meds I use and have used all kinds of other strategies to look after myself - mindfulness, exercise, yoga, relaxation, avoiding caffeine & alcohol, CBT, other types of therapy... and have found the combination effective at managing my symptoms. After 10yrs I came off the meds to ttc as my DH & others were quite vocal about it. I had a major relapse & was very unwell for several months. Back on them now and no intention of coming off any time soon. This time my family have come round to how important good medication is & have been much more supportive. IMO you'd never tell someone to refuse cancer treatment because they were weak & shouldn't belittle how serious MH problems can be. I hope you can find some relief soon... anxiety is a truly horrible thing but it can be beaten!

I feel exactly like you do with many of the same thoughts. On particularly bad days I think about what i would write to say goodbye to my children though I know I would never act on it. I've had 2 lots of CBT and after a course I feel much much better but I slip again after a few months. My DH doesn't "believe" in anxiety and depression and my mum has some health issues of her own so I have discussed my feelings with no-one. I am going to try start a few things in the new year - joining an exercise class, keeping a gratitude journal and an online CBT course to get me back on track. I do t have all the answers but wanted you to know you are most certainly not alone xxxxx

I don't*

You must talk to your GP as soon as possible Can you keep a mood diary, from now until you see your GP..

No matter how low you feel your DC's are much better off with you get than gone. I've been there.

Please do not listen to your DH about MH, depression or anxiety. You have put his feelings out of your head, ignore his attitude and get the help that is available

You do not have to let your DH know you are seeking help your medical records are private, personal and confidential. Even if he's paying for your medical insurance and it covers psych. GDPR now prevents it being invoiced to the principal on the cover.

If you are feeling low please see your GP

I have found a combination of meds and therapy has helped.

Try to get back on the antidepressants and maybe ask for some beta-blockers as well. I found that the combination has enabled me to manage my anxiety on a physical basis, and I have counselling to help me understand the emotional basis of the anxiety I suffer from.

I really identify with you saying that you want to be happy but can’t be bothered, that really resonates for me. I literally cannot be arsed!