I can't do this anymore

[ItHurtsLikeHell]

I really haven't got the strength.

On paper, I have it all. Nice in-laws, loving husband, well-raised children, respectable job, lovely house.

In reality, I am falling apart.

I have been in love with a colleague for months, tried to be friends, probably got on his nerves when I text him every few days, told him today I can't be friends anymore and that I need to fall out of love with him. No response, but I didn't expect one.
Husband knows something is off.

I've never been in a position where a man loved me more than I do him, but my husband is just that and I cannot handle the power I have over him. I love someone else, love him, too, but differently and I can't tell him or anyone for that matter.

I have no friends to talk to. No one would understand; I tried, but the one I chose wasn't interested beyond a 'I hope it will pass'.

I'm bulimic and have been for months; the weight loss and stress release is what keeps me going.

I don't deserve love or happiness and what is happening with my love life is just living proof of that. It's been such a long time on this planet. I am exhausted.

Hi op didn't want to read and run and hopefully someone with better advice will be along shortly

'.....But continued exposure to an attractive person outside marriage causes a surge in dopamine; the absence of that person generates emptiness and unease. The only way to feel normal again is to return to the source of the chemical rush — the affair mate.'

brainworldmagazine.com/flame-addiction-neuroscience-infidelity/

@BackInTheRoom I am not sure how this applies to my situation. The man is a symptom of a greater issue for sure, but there is more to it than simple escapism.

I just feel so worthless all the time. Never enough, for anyone.

Do you feel as though you have lost your authenticity and are seeking validation outside of yourself?

I thought your feelings for your colleague might be why you are feeling so low?

Do you think you are depressed?

Have you been for Counselling?

Is the affair man interested? Can you go away and get some space for you for a couple of days?

No on both counts. I am trapped at home with my thoughts rampaging around my head.

The thing with my colleague was something of a final straw, but one that cut deeply. I knew that telling him what I did would yield this result. I saw the self-destructive path and still felt compelled to take it.

My birth family have recently cut ties. Being wholly unloved by them, and having been so all my life, doesn't help. The one person who loves me is the one I can't go to.

Abandonment

Do you think you need to go for counselling now? Might it be worth seeking out a Trauma Counselor?

On paper, I have it all. Nice in-laws, loving husband, well-raised children, respectable job, lovely house.

OP, can you write a list of what things in particular are getting you down? Wise people on MN will help you work through them. From your OP it isn't clear. Have you been diagnosed wth depression previously? Any medication?
Regarding the man at work - remember that most of us experience heartbreak/rejection fairly frequently. Someone we love returning the feeling isn't guaranteed unfortunately. It's tough, but we do have to accept that people choose who they want to be with. It isn't a rejection of you per se - just thst they see a different future. In the same way that you wouldn't fall for every man that turned his attention on you.

What gets me down?

My birth family hate me.

I feel guilty for my feelings.

I have lost a friend/ colleague to my feelings.

I am not good enough. Not as a mother, child, wife, person.

By my ED I am too fat to be attractive.

Every time something good happens I manipulate it so it turns bad. I don't deserve happiness.

I tried counselling. I had CBT, which was somewhat effective. But the wait for a space nearly cost me my job.

Now I am mainly scared he hates me.

I had a panic attack in the middle of M&S ffs!

I've never dealt well with silence but I can't contact him either without looking like a complete psycho.