Crippling anxiety for many years, anyone else ?

[granadagirl]

That’s it
I’ve suffered anxiety/depression since being 25 now 61 on and off

It’s been extremely hard at times and have been under mh primary and secondary care, currently on venlafaxine and weaning off diazepam never more than 5 mg but now down to 1.5mg daily.
Not worked for last 15 years! Not a social person considering I’m 1 of 8 children. Always been reserved, and can be a loner yet in my head crave friendship but know now I wouldn’t keep it up. I’ve had few offers from ex work colleagues I the past to meet for coffee etc but turn it down.

I have to site myself up to go out, especially when I’ve had a thought
“ should I go shops” then I get scared somewhat . This can start by bowels off or I can get the feeling off not being with it( hard to explain)
If I do push or get angry with myself for letting it get me this way, I end up tense and not at all relaxed and not interested.
If I go for a walk to get me out, the thoughts still go round and round
Your ok, why I’m doing this it’s cold I’m not enjoying it etc etc

Years and years of this, therapy, yoga, Pilates mindfulness in the past
It’s either full on or in the background

The older I get the less confident I’ve become.
Even seeing sisters, people I know in the street/shop can set psychical bodily sensations off, it’s beyond horrible

Anyone else in similar soace

Place

I could have written this myself.
I’m 45 and have been like this most of my life. I’ve been a SAHM for the last 11 years and in hindsight that probably wasn’t the best decision as I have really isolated myself. I do have a few friends who know me well enough to know what I’m like but I’m useless with new people and this stops me from making new friends and getting a new job (which I need to do but am dreading it tbh). I have lots of physical things going on from my anxiety, IBS being one (I am completely ruled by my bowels, it’s an obsession which I can’t get over even after 3 months of CBT!). I get the feeling of not being with it, like a depersonalisation thing, I hate that feeling and I also get weird visual things which stresses me out. I get lots of physical symptoms from my anxiety which makes the anxiety worse, a vicious cycle which is a bugger to break.
I am always tense not sure if I even know what it’s like to feel relaxed and if I’d even like that feeling as I’ve been so tense for so long it would feel foreign!!
I’d love to offer you some advice but as someone who has tried so many things to help (some good some useless) I can only but say that I totally understand you. It’s draining and makes me feel ‘different’ from everyone else I know (even if I do ‘look’ the same). I live in the hope that one day I will overcome this and feel normal?!

I always say that if you peeled away my outside layer it would expose Munch’s Scream, that’s how I feel every day!

Thank you park for reading

I think it’s the worse illness you can have, as with most illness at least when your better you can go out without the dreaded feeling.

How do you manage the school run?
Do you manage to hang round the playground with ease with other mums
What about parents evening sitting waiting your turn with teacher
How do you hale that
School panto

I used to hate it, as I worked pt back then so had to get to work. But even if I didn’t I hated it because I was never in the click! And panto parents evening I dreaded as I’d be so tense I’d get all the physical symptoms and what to flee.

Are u taking any meds?
Not that they stop it.

How are you taking the children places, do you just do it? Or see how bad your anxiety is

I never plan anything, because I don’t know how bad I’d feel next day.
I so wish I could relax to go and do things, the odd time I can feel calmer. Night time is better for me to feel relaxed, maybe might be because I don’t have to go/see anybody! Don’t know
Anxiety as been so high at times I’ve lost weight not being able to eat with nauseous feeling, yet stomach is so empty and the feeling is horrible

The thought of work again! I can still remember colleagues faces when I wasn’t able to stay and have to go home and them saying
Just do it, don’t think about it
I know they’d be calling me, when I went.
So glad I don’t have that pressure now

I pushed myself out this afternoon, walking around inside house thinking can I , even rang dp to see if he was on his way home. I was scared to go out and more so drive the car as I have been in traffic queue and the dreaded panic as started.
Anyway I did it determination I felt better for doing it and it wasn’t as bad as I thought.
I know though it will happen all again another day.
Wish I was stronger, the menopause hasn’t done me any favours either!!

I totally understand everything you are saying/asking.
I felt my anxiety has been so much worse since having children. I honestly never realised how bad I would feel going to baby groups etc, they brought me out in a cold sweat, so many of them are so very cliquey, I went to very few as I just didn’t fit in. But I did absolutely love the days when my dc were little, before pre schools and school. I hated (with a vengeance) waiting to collect them from these places. I hate the school gate. I made friends with a few other mums but most seem so confident and full on. Luckily those days are getting behind me. Ds is in secondary and dd is in her last year at primary so walks to and from school herself. I do feel a failure that I haven’t taken them to as many groups etc as they could have done as I just hated socialising whilst waiting for them, I always felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb and some parents are just so cliquey.
I’ve never taken meds as I’m too scared of side effects but I really must do something in the new year as I have felt so very anxious recently.
I don’t plan much either as my anxiety is so up and down and especially my IBS I could be fine and arrange something then feel rough come the day. I’ve got to go out tonight with friends and I’m dreading it tbh!
I’m so much better at night too when I can shut the curtains, get in my pj’s and really feel like me, it’s makes me feel bad that I’m wasting my life but the truth is I’m comfortable and calmer that way.
I hate the mornings, I wake up and am fine for the first few seconds, then a switch goes off and I’m full on anxious again.
Well done for getting out this afternoon, we have to keep pushing ourselves no matter how tough it feels.

Might be worth reading up on ASD in women if you have time.