What is wrong with me?

[StickyCarpet]

I've got a fair amount of stress going on at the moment and it's beginning to really show.
Today I have spent most of the day in bed.....i constantly think about killing myself although I don't actually think I'd go through with it.....It just seems to be my default setting when anything stressful happens.
I just don't want to be conscious right now. I'd like to wake up and find all the bad stuff gone.
I'm reluctant to go to the gp because anti depressants made me very ill in the past. My mum is also addicted to them along with other prescription meds and I don't want to end up like her.

Call the Samaritans and off load to them. Venting might help. They may also point you in the direction of an organisation that might help.
MIND for example.

Have you thought of anything you can do to help relax you?

Something like mindful meditation

It's better to be addicted to antidepressants than crippled by debilitating depression or dead by suicide.

However, addiction isn't inevitable, there are several types of antidepressant so if one doesn't suit then another might be better.

Also, medication is not the only option. There's CBT and other talking therapy.

It depends on the severity of the depression though, IME you sometimes need antidepressants to help you get through the worst of the depression and help you engage with the therapy.

I've tried CBT in the past. It helped and I am using some of the techniques but they only help to a certain extent.
My boyfriend came over and fed the kids which was a real help.
I guess I should try and see the gp....I just feel like a total failure all the time. I'm trying my hardest but everything is a battle, the easiest of things become impossible and I just feel exhausted from it all. I don't think I have a particularly unrealistic expectations of what life should be like. I just never expected mine to be this tough. And then I see people battling cancer and being so incredible and I feel guilty.