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Depression and Parenting

16 replies

kiedaddy · 19/12/2018 14:52

Since becoming a parent almost two years ago, I have struggled with quite constant depression. I have used counselling services, am on antidepressants and whilst they help (ish), the root of the matter is deep down I regret having children and want to go back to my life before. I know it is taboo to talk about (it shouldn't be), but to me it seems like since becoming a parent, all time is gone, all time with my partner is gone, all time to develop my home business has gone. I don't foresee this getting better and I don't see it changing but everytime my child is particularly badly behaved, it just triggers this deep loathing and regret and I just find it very hard to deal with. Anyone else finding parenting this hard to deal with? Any advice?

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Bella245 · 21/12/2018 21:57

Hello,
I am not yet a parent, but have similar worries about the life after a child.
I am 40, so am set in my ways and whilst I wanted a child, now that I am pregnant I am not sure about it anymore. I had plans to start my PhD next year, but that won't happen and neither will any of the things I want to do. I agree with you it's a taboo topic, pregnant women and mothers are expected to fully embrace motherhood, but I am frankly very worried about resenting the baby.
I am 14 weeks now, so don't feel I can go through with an abortion. I am already on antidepressants and I have existing mental health problems (severe). The pregnancy has made it all a lot worse and I fear having the baby may tip me over the edge. I wonder if I really should consider termination. I am not great at relationships with men/friends or family, so why would baby be any different? In fact I know I should abort, but don't have the strength to go through. I desperately want to feel different and to be excited about the baby. The pregnancy was wanted by the way. Any thoughts?

Bella245 · 21/12/2018 21:59

Sorry, didn't really have any tips to how to solve your regret. Could it be the depression? Not sure I am well suited to advise.

Evidencebased · 21/12/2018 22:20

Just wanted to point out that dealing with the ' terrible twos' is pretty demanding for anyone, however they regard parenthood, and whether or not they're prone to depression. It's a pretty thankless bit of parenting, living with someone who is often a demanding, unreasonable dictator.

I hear you saying that the whole of parenting is difficult for you.
But this bit in particular is like a long journey on a cold and windswept heath- just keep on keeping on, and nearly all children become more reasonable, more people you can negotiate with, funnier and more rewarding.

You need to try to deal with your depression: therapy, counselling, anti-depressants, self-care, getting out in the fresh air, :whatever works for you. Oddly enough, for me, it's multivitamins. Simple as that. Took years to discover. There will be something that works for you. Try things. Find it. You'll be glad you did.

Depression is like a black puddle. Nothing is any good , or ever has been any good.
Even if that's not true.

So cultivate what'ss lovable, enjoyable, fun about your child. Even if it only feels like 30 seconds every now and then: grab a camera. Write down the fun, precious bit. So when the black puddle says that everything is always black, you can literally remind yourself of times, however brief, when you saw your child and parenthood differently. Refer to these moments, practice them, strengthen them : what you focus your attention on will grow.

You're not alone.
And things can get better.
Practice love for your child, even fleetingly.

And love for yourself.

Ohthesedays · 21/12/2018 23:49

I feel the same. I have 8 month old twins.
I hate my life, I hate myself and I hate the fact I can't do anything other than 'get on with it'
Life is incredibly hard, monotonous, stressful and isolating.
I have serious mental health issues since having my twins that I didn't before depression, anxiety and paranoia.
I love them dearly, look after them and give them everything they need but I can't help regretting ever having them which is awful to say.
I just keep telling myself things will get better, this isn't forever
Sorry not much advice, just sympathy and understanding

kiedaddy · 23/12/2018 05:33

@Ohthesedays thanks for the understsnding. I'm glad it's not just me. It does get a little patronising to me when people say you just wait for it to get better...Ironically at 4 months I was a lot better since my child was low maintenance and slept well but is so much more management now. Counselling and antidepressants do help a bit so try them if yoj haven't.

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icklekid · 23/12/2018 05:37

I totally get it. Last year my 2 were 1 and 3. I was very depressed. This year life is a little bit easier. I've increased my hours at work which means financially things are a bit easier and my oldest started school which has really helped him mature. I think the older they get the less they need you quite so much. Easier to leave them and have the you time you crave. I also go to the gym 4 times a week which was incredible for my depression. Mostly I have to go at 6am but that is my time. Just for me. I'd honestly highly recommend it alongside any drugs. CBT was also life saving for me...

kiedaddy · 23/12/2018 05:39

@Bella245 It's a really tricky time whilst pregnant. The whole future is so uncertain and the decision to have an abortion is a hard one for sure. I think to an extent, even wjth all the mental health issues in the world, you will bond with your child and love them and enjoy them. The problem is that you will also sometimes hate them and wish they were never there. It's such a double edged sword.

My partner suffered from fairly severe anxiety and when we had our child, it really helped her and she does seem overall more happy. I on the other hand have got much worse so it really can go both ways.

On and also PhD wise, my partner managed to go back to a fairly intense PhD after 6 months but ended up leaving about a year and a half in (to my annoyance) because she felt she was missing time with the baby.

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kiedaddy · 23/12/2018 05:44

@Evidencebased I hear what you're saying. It is frustrating when I can't find a good treatment. In my partner I have lost such an amazing person to talk to (she completely has the opposite view when it comes to kids now), so I am more isolated.with my problems now. And I get what you're saying but the problem for me was my life was very good before so I am always doomed to concentrate on thst. My depression isn't so much a "nothing is good", more of "everything was fine until this happened..". I do try concentrate on the good times and my toddler can be amazing I admit. Just still miss my closer relationship with my partner and the times we had before. A baby limits so much of what we can do together.

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kiedaddy · 23/12/2018 05:47

@icklekid I get that things get easier and time will come back, it just always seems like such a long wait to get there. I am planning on getting up early now (although if I set my alarm my little one is bound to wake up too...). Problem for me is career based too. Really working on business stuff from home makes time more precious. Don't have a regular income and the time that's been taken away from me has basically stopped me doing what I wanted to do..

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icklekid · 23/12/2018 06:25

I know it feels a long time away and it is but that time will go quickly and I found focusing on the time I did have helped. When my ds was less than 1 a promotion opportunity came up. I said I couldn't but found working under the person who got it hard. This year I changed jobs as recommended by CBT but I don't think they meant taking on more responsibility. But for me it was the right decision. I was so frustrated because the man who got the job also had a young child but because his wife doesn't work he didn't have to worry about that!

I guess what I'm saying is you can persue your dream but not right now. for now what would you enjoy doing that might help in the future?

kiedaddy · 23/12/2018 06:44

@icklekid If I can't persue my career dreams then that just makes life even worse...that just ends up triggering even more depressive episodes (speaking from experience in some really crappy previous jobs). My career options are quite limited by this. Basically need time to do a PhD for a few years before applying to non-home based jobs. So that may take a while too.

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Bella245 · 23/12/2018 12:47

Kiedaddy,
I have similar sorts of worries. I will be doing my dissertation (MSc) with a newborn and I worry I won't be able to do my PhD due to finances and having to move to be closer to the Uni.
I have no family here at all, so no support. I am really considering termination. I have become so irritable and disrespectful towards my partner (just can't seem to help myself). I really don't see a future together and I can't do this on my own with no support. I am changing careers at the moment and the road ahead is hard. I have a history of severe mental health issues and actually studying provides me with most needed escape. I am fed up of my partner telling it will get better! How does he or anyone know? What if it gets worse instead and I ended up regretting the child. Not once I have felt excited about this pregnancy. In fact tomorrow I will contact a private clinic to book a termination. How do other people cope with the constant attention that a child need?

kiedaddy · 23/12/2018 19:15

@Bella245 I think having a strong and reliable partner is key. If you don't know if you see a future then that might be an issue. I knew I wanted to spend my life with my partner and even then, after having a child, we've argued so so much more and has been a crazy strain on our relationship. To be honest I obviously can't tell you what to do but in my opinion, previously my partner and I had an abortion when the time wasn't ready (halfway through different unis for both of us) and I know we don't regret that decision. But in reality there will always be career reasons to avoid children (unless you're crazily lucky and have a perfect job), so it can't be the main reason to abort, it has to be more I think. If you're filled with regret after having children there's still a lot of happy moments too. There is a bright side sometimes, it's more whether you'll let yourself see it. I see it occasionally, just not enough.

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kiedaddy · 23/12/2018 19:18

@Bella245 The constant attention is something that comes almost naturally, it's just regretting needing to give that attention that can be the problem. I'm sorry I can't be more help, everyone's choice is different and I'm just giving my experience. I do wish you the best of luck in your decisions. Please keep me updated

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Bella245 · 23/12/2018 22:08

Thank you so much for your response. I am sorry I can't help you much either. I wish you all the very best and to feel somehow different. I am seeing a mental health professional in few days time, but I don't hold my breath. I know I am in a very dark place. If I had known how mush pregnancy affects one, I would have never gotten pregnant. My brain didn't want a baby, but my good judgement was overridden by my "biological clock" also known as ovaries! I am sure I will love the baby, just not sure I would enjoy "the baby prison" as someone told me. I feel guilty for feeling that way, as some women desperately want a child and can't have one. Anyway, enough with my rant. It was your post originally and I hope your life gets a little better. Sending you Metta Bhavana (which the pregnancy has really robbed me of).

kiedaddy · 23/12/2018 23:13

@Bella245 No problem at all. It's nice to have someone to talk to about any of this stuff really.

I do think it's a case of brain vs hormones/feelings most of the time. Obviously emotionally you'll love your child, it's just the logical choice of whether the hassle of having one is worth it. In a way I'm in a better place than a year ago. At least I understand why the depression is triggered and the reason for my new anger issues (yes I have them now too). At least I can admit and talk about the reason, just isn't an easy fix for it I suppose.

Whatever you decide I hope it all goes well. Metta Bhavana to you too. Hopefully a little meditation and thought can help us both. Also no problem hijacking my thread. I put it there for people to talk about these things with me.

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