Husband suffering from anxiety

[Fairyangela]

Namechanged for this as I know people on here irl and I don’t think my husband would like them knowing what I’m about to share.

Last night my husband confessed he was having severe bouts of anxiety and was starting to get to the point where he would stand at the doors of work and have to psyche himself up about going in. But says it’s not necessarily related to work. I’m consider myself to have pretty robust mental health so can’t help him from a point of view of understanding how he feels.

Any advice? I want to help but at the same time he can’t articulate what the problem is so I’m struggling.

@Fairyangela hi, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation - as much as it's not easy for him I know it must be really hard for you too not knowing what he's dealing with or how to help.

I've struggled with anxiety for a number of years and while I can't speak for everyone as I guess everyone probably experiences it differently, I can tell you how it was for me.

I've always been quite anxious and worry about what other people think, I worry about upsetting people and will do anything I can to keep people happy, which unfortunately often means taking on too much or struggling to say no to people for fear of upsetting them. You overthink everything and then your mind runs away with you, you know the thoughts you're having are ridiculous but you can't help it, control it or make them stop.

A couple of years ago I had a really bad time with it and one minute I'd be absolutely fine, then the next it's like you're not in your own body, I felt like a zombie and as though I was controlling this body but it wasn't me, like watching from above. I'd become suddenly very aware of everyone around me, every noise around me and it felt overwhelming. If I was out I'd get this strong feeling like something bad was going to happen, and I'd feel an urgent need to get home, to shut myself away in my home where I felt safe

It's a really hard thing to explain and probably hard for you to understand if you haven't experienced it yourself, it is really difficult to understand the intensity of the emotions or why it happens. Has he considered going to see a doctor or a counsellor or anything?

GP?

It might be GAD which is general anxiety

Hello, from a sufferers perspective I really appreciate a shoulder to cry on & support & encouragement that I will get through whatever is bothering. Personally I crave company when I'm feeling down & like going for long walks in green areas / nature.
What I don't like is being told that I 'must' 'should' or 'need' to do any particular thing, or that I'm overreacting, being unreasonable, only thinking about myself etc...
In terms of strategies I use to relive symptoms / cope , I've found a combination of therapy & medication has helped a lot over the years, as do exercise, yoga, meditation, time off work and making time for to look after yourself.
The GP is a good first port of call for your DH & don't be afraid to try a few if you don't get the help you expect first time. If he isn't keen on going to GP then he could try something like the Headspace App and there are a few good self help books out there... I've found that when I hit a real low point I start to get panic attacks & it can get quite out of hand very quickly. If your DH is at that point then meds & a few weeks off work might be helpful. I have also heard that NHS do some kind of online CBT course which could work if he's not keen on face to face therapy.

Thank you, I’ve tried to encourage him to go to the GP but he works in a male dominated area and point blank refuses to go off work with stress because everyone would know and he thinks they would think less of him. It’s so difficult as a bit of me thinks ‘of you won’t help yourself....’ but I know that isn’t the right way to approach it. You’ve given me stuff to think about though so that’s good.

Amyem yes that sounds like what he describes when I can get him to open up a bit, that feeing of not wanting to leave the house because he knows it’s safe here is particularly worrying. We had a friend who had agroraphobia and he says he can completely understand how someone gets to the point that means they can’t leave the Sanctuary of their own home.

@Fairyangela does he know what the trigger is at all? Or has it just come from nowhere?

The reason for his absence should be confidential to everyone but HR, & my GP asked me what i wanted her to write on my sick note so he could probably get something else written down. You can also self-cert for 5 days or use annual leave / unpaid time off w/o having to explain why. However, if time off isn't an option at this stage there are still ways to get better - the first few times I got unwell I struggled through without time off, though pleasant it wasn't!
GP is still good place to start as they can refer for therapy / prescribe meds. I think you can self-refer for talking therapy through your local IATP programme so that might be worth a try too.

I know it should be confidential, as does he but he knows from experience that these things usually get out and it’s really putting him off seeking help which is infuriating.

The thing is, if he deals with this now by seeing a GP he may not need to have time off work. If it escalates without treatment then he will be at risk of getting more unwell and thus needing time off for a more
Lengthy recovery

@Fairyangela @chapsie has a point.. I don't know if all doctors are the same but mine never automatically signed me off. Whenever I went to my initial appointments, and check up ones too, the doctor would always ask me if I felt like I needed time off work. I always said no as I felt for me personally it would be better to carry on and have some form of routine otherwise I'd just shut myself away and inevitably make it worse, and so then that was the end of it. If he doesn't feel like he needs or wants it then he can say no, then they can carry on with any recommended treatment but his work will be non the wiser.

It is difficult and although it's hard for anyone to seek help with things like that I do think that men are sometimes even less likely to, but he shouldn't feel embarrassed or inadequate, it's unfortunately a really common illness, but that means he won't be judged or made to feel like he's the only one.

Has he considered seeing a counsellor? I saw a private one for a short while (and I mean really short only 4 or 5 appointments) and it didn't work for me overall - admittedly I didn't give it much of a go but it just wasn't for me, although during that time she managed to extract a lot of information about me and my past etc and helped me to understand why I feel certain ways. I know not everyone has a reason for certain things so it may not be helpful for everyone, but for me it made me feel better, I understood what sort of situations triggered it so I could either avoid them or prepare myself and find ways to deal with them, and just having that general understanding of ok this is why I feel like this, this is normal for me, this is what I need to do to help myself feel better. It doesn't take the issues away but helps you to control them better rather than feeling helpless and not knowing or understanding why x

You’re right. After Christmas I’m going to get stern with him and drag him to the GP myself if I have to. I don’t want this to get worse.

I'm also an anxiety 'widow' OP. My Dh just took the children to the park (13 mo and 3yo) to give me a 'break'. Could only go at lunchtime after had done meditation podcast and psyched himself up. Lasted 20 mins then I had to go and rescue them from the park - he was being comforted by a passerby who looked at me with pity when I arrived. Meant well of course,, but it's fucking degrading.
I'm sympathetic to DH's situation but it means I'm a working mum of 2 v young children who could be called to pick dh up from a&e for a 'heart attack' at any moment. Most days have to give a 'counselling session' over the phone.
Sorry to say but it doesn't get any better. There is no fixing it and you just have to either decide to live with it or leave him. Sorry.
People tell you to look after yourself or pursue your own interests but that's impossible if your DH can't look after himself or the children (or can, but it's totally unreliable 50/50 whether he will be able to or not in any given occasion). So impossible to relax ever.
So sorry you're in this situation OP. You have my total understanding and sympathy.

@Fairyangela that sounds very difficult for you.
I remember feeling dreadful about what I was putting my DH through when I was unwell. He was wonderfully supportive & luckily I made a very good recovery within 6 months or so.

Oh wine, that sounds tough.
Do meds not help him?

I meant @WineIsMyCarb - sorry. Just to add that within 6 months or so of me feeling better my DH came down with a nasty (physical) illness which had him signed off work for over a month & I was able to return the favour & care for him, exhausting as it was!
@Fairyangela Anxiety is very treatable & I know lots of people who have been through horrific 'breakdowns' & made very good recoveries so there is every chance your DH can get better too & that you won't have to suffer with him for ever...

@fairyangela there is a book called 'loving someone with anxiety' and it's full of helpful stuff to try to understand their problem and to support yourself. There may be things/behaviours etc you hadn't (or he hadn't) realised were anxiety but that gives you more awareness and sets up a healthy pattern of helping.

Thanks @KarBB that's really kind. It has been years now but we've had some recent breakthroughs so let's hope it's not forever!

@fairyangela have you suggested a 'decoy' problem? I find DH having a huge panic attack in public mortifying (my prob, not his, I grant you!) but have found 'excuses' for why he can't sit at the table at a restaurant etc make the situation more bearable.
Get him a knee support and it will stop the nosy bastards at work wondering why he's got 'so many' doctors appointments (even if that number is, say, 2! And he can talk about 'therapy' appointments... everyone will think it's his hammy knee.
Professional denial here!!