It doesn't get any better

[TheDeuteragonist]

I've struggled with my MH for so long, I'm coming to the end of my tether now.

It seems that I reach a low point, claw my way back up, and then find myself back to square one again.

I've attempted suicide twice in the last year or so. I've intermittently self harmed. After reaching out to the mh team here I waited three months for an appointment only to be told they thought I was fine. Now I'm rolling downhill again.

I don't know how much longer I've got the energy for this. I'm sick of having the conversations with professionals over and over again and not getting anywhere. I'm tired of feeling absolutely nothing inside other than an abject sense of failure. I can't even cry at the moment I'm that numb.

My other half can see that things aren't right. I'm doing everything in my power to push him away, distance myself from him and DC. I must be awful to live with. Occasionally rage boils over and I find myself lashing out (verbally).

I'm not sure why I'm positing here. I'm not threatening anything but I know what this slow slide eventually means and I'm so tired. I don't want to find myself at that crisis point but I don't know how to stop it.

I could have written this post earlier this year (bipolar). My usual mantra of 'this too shall pass' became 'this too shall pass but it will be back'. I was starting to lose hope. I paid to see a psychiatrist privately and we have managed to tweak and add to my medication and I am feeling so much better. I also got bloods done and discovered my thyroid was banjaxed.
Would it be possible to ask your GP for full bloods and see a shrink privately? I know I was considered at risk years ago but the waiting list was still 2 years.
Other than that it's putting one foot in front of the other and taking each day as it comes. You have my full sympathy and I wish you peace.

Hi op do you have a friend or professional you can talk to /ring?
Sounds like you're going through a terrible time, you don't have to do it alone
Does anything help? In the past what has worked? Going for a walk, seeing a friend etc?

Thank you for the replies.

I am thinking I will probably have to go private eventually - but do not really have the funds to do this at the moment. I'm regularly checked by the GP as am on anti-d's but may be worth getting bloods done just in case.

@northernstars That's exactly it, it will pass but I know it will come back again. I have absolutely 0 reason to feel this way. I've just got married and moved house, have a wonderful little family (albeit hard work) and I've just started as self-employed and doing really, really well.

I honestly don't know why my mental health starts to go backwards no matter how things are going in my life. A lot of the problems stem from past abuse, but when I spoke to the clinical psychologist about getting support from it, they just told me to self-refer to a charity. I just don't have the energy to get in contact with them, wait and then have to start talking about it all over again. Every time I reach crisis point I open up about these things and it's like reopening old wounds and then nothing happens and I have to do it all over again. It's like Groundhog Day.

I don't have much of a support network bar DP where I live. He supports me as much as he can but I can tell he doesn't understand. I think he is taken aback by how full of rage I can be, how much I take it out on him. It all seems so unfair and I can totally see why I get to the point where I think everyone is better off without me snapping.

I just wish I could give my head a wobble and move on but it's so, so hard.

I totally understand you - every single point. This has been my worse year for depression but at the same time the best year of my life so far! I am settled, fulfilled and so in love with my partner. I also have past abuse but I found that having told my 'story' over and over again it becomes just that 'a story'. I am NC with my parents.
My psychiatrist thinks that it's completely organic - the bipolar was always going to be in my system - but the abuse triggered it into action. He now treats me as he would a diabetic - a physical disorder and removed all the blame I felt. I know it takes a lot of energy and Christmas is probably going to be emotional. Take time for yourself, don't beat yourself up and don't become overtired would be my advice for the next few weeks at least. You are not alone.

My usual mantra of 'this too shall pass' became 'this too shall pass but it will be back'

And so it will pass again and again and again. The secret is not to attach to it. In your experience you know it can be watched and let go of. Keep doing that...................eventually it stops turning up because it knows it cannot hurt you anymore.

@TheDeuteragonist How are you getting on?