Is this bdp? I feel fucked up!

[isitmee]

Sorry I think this is going to be long as I don't know where to start!

I feel like I've been taking episodes lately, all to do with me, the latest is about my male friend. I went into some sort of obsessive episode where I thought I was in love with him, was obsessing over his what's app, texting etc and when he didn't reply quick enough I'm in so much emotional pain, he's rejected me, talking to someone else's blah blah blah and I can't rationalise at all. I've got children and I can't even get my mind off him to function properly. The pain is great I want to self harm. I used to reach for any pills or booze to deal with these feelings but I can't now as I abuse things so I want to self harm instead. Then I wake up the next day out of the episode and I'm thinking what the fuck just happened to me!! Thank god i never acted on how I was feeling or told him, I feel normal again. But then something triggers it and it happens again. It was online dating guy a month back, I felt fine, just chatting then suddenly I was obsessive again and all sane reasoning went out the window, I was going to let him come to my house, again thank fuck he ever replied and it did t happen because I woke up the next day absolutely appalled by myself that I would do that. Then prior to this, it was an acquaintences husband, I was trying to lure him to my house, this episode lasted about a week and again I came out of it and thought you fucking horrible person why would you do that?! A married man!! I've been tearing myself to shreds over this but it's just occurred to me that it could be my mental health. I know I'm a good person deep down but these are the actions of a drunk person, and I'm completely sober! I can't hold down a job or anything, I just go into real down, sometimes I can't even put my kids to bed, the stress sends me to what feels like a mental breakdown. I'm so erratic and unstable. I don't even know who I am in life or what I want or how I feel, am I happy or sad, I'm either in the depths of despair or I just feel bored. There's a lot more I can go into but this is the tip of the iceberg.

Oh I fact I don't eat either. I've lost about 3 stone in the past year.

I have Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder and totally identify with what you describe.

Thanks for getting back to me. I had a gp appointment this morning and told her everything, she is referring me back to the mental health team finally. But I went to the gp about 6 months ago and had just came out of a month long episode about my ex but also I had heard of a close suicide and was getting obsessive intrusive visions of suicide, couldn't get it to stop it was horrible. That gp said it was just my depression and sent me away with citalopram?!

Bump

I'm sorry you haven't had anymore replies to your thread. Just to clarify, do you mean borderline or bipolar?

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying also, although I've acted on it, shamefully, whilst in a long term relationship.

Also ended up sexually assualted because of poor judgement.

Thanks, I'm trying not to take the rejection of my post personally 😂😂 me and rejection don't do well together! And yes I mean border line personality disorder. What from I've read people don't seem to want this label but I'm just desperate to know what the fuck is wrong with me, why do I keep fucking up my life and not feel in control of my thoughts and actions?

I was a state again last night, put a song on I love and just broke down completely, had the knife in hand but couldn't go through with it thankfully and today again I'm feeling, what the fuck was that all about?? How can I be so low then ok the next morning, it's fucked up!

Oh and trust me, if the opportunity's had presented themselves, I would have acted also, I'm very grateful they never

What dose are you on? I think you need to go back to the gp and tell them what happened last night. Have you told them that you think you might be borderline? They might be able to refer you to a psychiatrist? Have you seen one before?

Were you drinking? I find alcohol messes with my moods big time. Makes everything ten times worse.

I was at the gp yesterday morning as I also think I may be close to an eating disorder and she referred me back to the mental health team, I have seen a psychiatrist and cpn before but made them discharge me 😳 ive mentioned bdp years to a counsellor and got laughed at, I'm being more proactive now, going make them asses me as I know is there's definitely more to this. I'm only on 20mg of citalaproam at the minute, my doing, I didn't even want to take them but I was off the wall at one point and thought right I'll just take a low dose. I've been on 250mg sertaline in the past, beta blockers which are shit and some anti anxiety antihistamine. They wouldn't give me benzos as I abuse things that give me a high. And I've been sober for 6 years!! Off codiene and weed for one year, so this is me completely clean and still behaving and thinking like a drunk person 😥

I can't believe the counsellor laughed at you! Maybe give the mental health team a ring and see what they say? I know how you feel. I knew something wasn't quite right with me for years either. I originally thought I was borderline.

Seen councellors, gp's, variety of different drugs. Turns out I'm actually bipolar, which only came to light with my psychiatrist when they put me on anti depressants without a mood stabiliser, which I told them would happen The longest I've been stable in years. Although my spending habits are still absolutely shocking

I can't really drink either as it can send me bordering psychotic.

They said I will probably need to wait til after the new year before I'll see someone from the mental health team, I feel ok about that just now, I feel better even just being honest with myself that my mental isn't good, I've tried to deny it and fight it for ages and now I feel like I've just accepted it but also accepted that it's not me being a horrible person, my brain just isn't working the way a normal persons would

I have to be very very careful about my spending, I spent 10 grand in the space of 6 months the when I first got sober 😳

Oh gosh I'm the same! Thankfully I don't have that amount of money anymore and I don't have a credit card for this reason. I only got paid yesterday and I've spent all my money I was thinking what the hell have I spent it on? This is what I've spent it on;

A white company candle
New glasses
3 pairs of trousers - 2 tartan
Red dead redemption 2 (Christmas present)
Shoes
A travel bag (Christmas present)
Gin (I know I shouldn't be drinking)
And cigarettes. Lots and lots of cigarettes (again I know I shouldn't be smoking either!)

So glad I get paid weekly!

I smoked a pack and a half yesterday need to stop it.

An I know my partner is going to go through the roof. He's threatened to take my card off me before.

Yep cigarettes and more. Vapes aswell, vaping like a mad woman today. Unfortunately that money I spent was inheritance, definitely was not stable enough to have it but I seem to be very good at hiding how I really am 😳

I wa s the same when I got inheritance. I did make some sensibleish purchases. Just stuff for the house, and I was pregnant at the time, so bought stuff for that. And it served me well when I was off for a year, don't know what else I spent it on! As I was till getting mat pay.