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Am I selfish?

20 replies

Toptheginup · 13/12/2018 07:30

Last week in the supermarket, piled on my items mixed with partners items (we don't live together), he asks 'who is paying for all this?' to which I replied that he is. He then says with a worried look on his face 'my funds are starting to run low'.
I took the stuff I had picked up n stuck a divider between his stuff and mine. I was fuming! For some back story I had just checked my account which had 30 pounds left in, didn't want to spend incase a direct debit was about to come out (no way of checking banking as laptop broken). I don't work, I had to give up my job when I fostered my sister's s baby.
I'm really struggling with money, racked up debt that was nearly paid off to ensure our child and my sisters child have presents under the tree Christmas morning, along with others I need to buy for. All money I do receive goes on bills and food with no spare for luxuries, I'm basically just getting by. Tbf my partner has helped in the past with bits of shopping and is not tight with cash, but this comment annoyed me, especially as the items I had were essentials like milk and pet food and only cost me 8 quid in total.
What has annoyed me further is my mother has refused to watch my sisters child one day this week so I can do a days work to help a friend out, this would have earned me some pocket money to help with bills and only a one off. Her reason, she plans to do her ironing that day.
I feel so selfish asking people if I can rely on them, especially my mum as she already has my Foster child a few days a week while I study for a degree but I am so skint. To top this off I have picked stuff up that she's asked me to get in the shops when I have had benefits put in the bank and ordered things from catalogue that she wanted, no money has been paid back yet, even though she's been out Christmas shopping.
I know she's in the same boat as me, she also lives on benefits.
Im struggling so much with this set up, I rely on my mother here and there to watch her grandchild while I get things done around the house or go shopping, never to just relax, always to get something else done. On top of this I have assignments due in and get woken up every night and I'm extremely sleep deprived n ready to sleep at 6 in the afternoon.
I'm struggling so much but I feel selfish. I want the children to have a normal life but I feel I am failing at that because I can't manage the demands of the baby and the lack of money, I have always worked.
I told my mother I was struggling, physically and mentally and she just said this child is our family and we must keep it that way at all costs. I feel so desperate about everything that my mind says the only way out is suicide, I know this is not true but the thoughts are getting more and more intrusive

OP posts:
Bernina · 13/12/2018 07:35

Is he your child's father?

ZoeWashburne · 13/12/2018 07:36

Please call the samaritans 116 123 to talk through your problems. They can help.

You are not selfish for feeling overwhelmed for caring for a baby. But you are right that something needs to change. Please talk to the council to ensure you are receiving all the benefits you can.

Also, check with your university student services. They may have hardship bursaries that can help.

You are in a rough situation, and it may seem like you are alone, but please know there are lots of people out there who do want to help you.

Bigonesmallone3 · 13/12/2018 07:38

Have u actually told ur mum how u feel?
Obviously financially she can't help u out but just talking to someone can help, if she already has FC a few days a week maybe she would like a day to catch up with her house work..
Is there no one else to watch FC, u shouldn't feel selfish, u want to earn a little money for Xmas..

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/12/2018 07:44

Are you getting money for the foster child, cb ect. Make sure you are getting all money you are due.

Middlrm · 13/12/2018 07:51

You are well within rights to feel overwhelmed with all you are juggling.

You shouldn’t expect partner to pay for your shopping though ...unless he is Child’s Father or owes funds or you do the same ... as he has his own bills being he doesn’t live with you.

Same token your mum shouldn’t get you to pick up things she can’t afford. Which in Turn causes you financial strain

Maybe speak to citizens advice to see what help is out there.

Also if your on benifits do you get some free child care that you could use for work?

Toptheginup · 13/12/2018 07:52

Thank you for the replies. Yes, my partner is my childs father. My fc is very demanding and I get that it's because she is attached to me and I love her so much, I just feel I am physically and mentally struggling. Yes, I've spoken to my mother about how I feel, it is brushed under the rug. My mother has the support of my sister and her partner who visit every afternoon and spend all weekend sitting around at her house. Mum told me not to go over last Friday because her, my sister and her partner were putting up Christmas decorations at my sisters house, I was laid on the settee most of the day with anxiety while my neice tore the living room apart. It's so hard to keep up. If she slept better I wouldn't be as tired. I plan on getting us both out to the park today as I've been told not to go over to mums as they are now going to my aunties house to help her. I do feel selfish, but I can't manage without mum's help. It's under her conditions and I'm sick of it. I'm going to look into a child minder for days I'm at uni to take the pressure off mum but I'm worried they'll take even more money out of my benefits when I'm struggling to get by as it is.
I've not got a thing wrapped for Christmas yet. I'm worried sick and a failure

OP posts:
Toptheginup · 13/12/2018 07:53

I'm getting all benefits but because it's an sgo it's only 50 per week. On top of the direct debits and shopping there's not much left after as Its just me and the kids here

OP posts:
Toptheginup · 13/12/2018 07:54

I'm scared to tell ss how I feel incase the take the baby

OP posts:
Toptheginup · 13/12/2018 07:55

I would think nothing of spending 10 quid on a basket of shopping for our lunch. That's why his comment annoyed me

OP posts:
Sassypants82 · 13/12/2018 08:02

Does your partner live with you? What does he contribute towards your child? Have you spoken to him about how you're feeling & your finances?

Sarahjconnor · 13/12/2018 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scotsrule · 13/12/2018 08:06

I would advise the best thing to do is speak to SS about how you feel you are coping, and if there is any support in the short term until you can get yourself back on your feet. They should be willing to help as it will cost more to place your niece in LA care long term than to offer you support in the short term to maintain the placement. This may include some supported childcare.

Your LA may offer a debt/benefit/budgeting service which is free to access, they will check you are claiming everything you should be.

I also suggest you visit your GP and discuss your emotional well-being. Don’t be frightened of services, they are all there to help and will take some of the stress off that you find yourself overwhelmed with.

Walkerbean16 · 13/12/2018 08:07

Are you sure that is right? My cousin had a SGO for her brothers child and she gets £180 on top of her normal benefits.

Bernina · 13/12/2018 08:32

Of course your partner should be contributing paying towards food for his child and partner. Why don't you live together? That would cut both your costs. It sounds like a very overwhelming position to be in.

Prettyvase · 13/12/2018 08:32

Go back to social services and your local authority and get the foster money you are eligible for!!!!

I don't understand why you don't have this??

swingofthings · 13/12/2018 08:45

Why are you not living with your partner and father of your child?

Toptheginup · 13/12/2018 08:56

We split wen our child was a baby but have renkinled. Yes, I'm 100% sure I'm not recieving 180 pw for my neice, that would help but sadly I'm only being given 50.
Partner is not tight with money and will buy shopping here and there, it was the comment that annoyed me more than anything because he knows I hate relying on others and have worked most of my life. I appreciate all the responses. I am going to look into childcare options and prices later on.
Thanks

OP posts:
dippledorus · 13/12/2018 09:17

Is he paying maintenance?

LilyMumsnet · 13/12/2018 09:45

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Spagyetti · 13/12/2018 10:18

OP you sound amazing and anything but a failure. Flowers

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