Tips to not get irritable/angry with DCs please!

[Missnearlyvintage]

Hi everyone,
I’m 6 months into a 12 month+ wait for step 4 psychological therapy for anxiety mostly. No moaning about that I just thought I’d say where I am with everything...

One key issue I find is that I get very irritable/ angry at times, usually when I’m scared/panicking/ anxious about something or if I’m woken quickly etc. I see red and find it hard to control what I say to people, especially the DCs which I know is awful.

it’s really not fair on them so I thought you lovely people might have some tips I could use to keep my mouth under control for their sake please?

Usually if I’m really struggling I would see it as a sign that things are out of hand and that I should take some time to re-group and prioritise some things I know are helpful for me - trying to sleep more, more time to just be in my safe place at home with less social/ life commitments, demanding less of myself for a while etc. This is usually helpful and I emerge recharged after a bit of respite, but life is busy at the moment and I can’t cancel anything so I just need to focus on not letting the anger get the better of me for the moment.

A particular trigger for this irritability recently has been DD (3) waking at night scared for the past couple of weeks after a poor choice of Christmas film from me (The Grinch - mega regret about choosing that as our Sunday family film - the poor thing! I assumed she’d like it as her 6 yo brother does!). I don’t sleep well at times, and am anxious about coping in the day if I sleep badly, so getting up in the night with DD has been setting this feeling off again I think.

I am just not sympathetic or nice enough most of the time when she wakes scared and it must be horrible for her. I had nightmares as a child and can remember how scary they are so I know my behaviour is wrong and it isn’t what I would like for someone to treat me like if I was scared at night... I am deeply regretful and feel very guilty upon waking properly and reflecting on everything after she’s back asleep, but when I first get woken up I’m just awful.

I have tried shouting through to her to reassure her before getting into her room hoping that it gives me a few minutes to wake up more and be more level headed, but I’ve still snapped at her once I’m in her room and it must send a very mixed message as I’m like Jeckle and Hyde - one action/ phrase will be nice and loving and soft, another will be said under my breath/ through gritted teeth or I’ll raise my voice. I feel very ashamed and just want to help DD through this.

If anyone has any suggestions I’d be really grateful, thank you. I know this is trivial really in the grand scheme of things and I should just be able to not be horrid to my poor DCs so sorry about that as well.

Hi,I completely understand what your saying. My anxiety and low mood makes me quite an irritable person with less patience than I'd like. However my 4 Yr old ds has autism and can be so frustrating and frustrated himself. when I lose my rag he becomes overwhelmed, shouting in particular can be too sensory for him and he will cover his ears and shake, and that makes me feel like the worst mother/human in the world. I also find myself gritting my teeth a lot and hissing responses to him when things become tense.

Recently I've been trying slow deep breathing and counting in my head to whatever number I reach til I gain perspective, it has been helpful. Maybe you could give that a go? Or you could pick a mantra or phrase, anything that will kick you into real life from the sleepy state that you could say in your mind upon waking, like "wake up 'Claire'! 'Ella needs you" obviously replace with your own names. And just keep repeating it over and over until it sinks in? I don't know if any of that is useful, I just wanted you to know that you're not the only mum who feels this way and feels utterly awful about it afterwards. Xx

Nogodsnomasters - thanks so much for your response I really appreciate it.

The mantra idea is brilliant - nothing like things I've tried before so I'll try and give that 100% and see how I go.

I have been thinking since and it really is a case of me needing to put the kids first I think. Some other things might have to be dropped in the meantime to make way for them. They are my priority!

Thanks ever so much.

You are not alone and I too struggle with this. It's worse when i'm anxious or stressed and can't get time to myself to regroup.

At the moment I find that clamping my jaw shut until I can get my sense back to be the only way not to just react. Maybe alongside the sayings mentioned above.

Missnearlyvintage - no problem, sometimes it just helps to know that you're not the only mother doing this or going through it, because it can make you feel like you're not cut out for motherhood sometimes but that just isn't true. I hope the mantra works for you xx