Help me make (early) new year's resolutions so I'm not like this next Christmas.

[Redcrayonisthebest]

So, where do I start. I'm a full time teacher, single mum to a six year old boy. I am so low that I've found myself contemplating suicide on numerous occasions recently. I love my job and think I'm fairly good at it but I'm so ridiculously stressed ALL the time that it's making me bitchy, moany and unpleasant to work with.
I've gained many stones in weight since I had ds and I loathe myself inside and out. I'm fat, dull and nasty.
I adore my son but am regularly distracted and irritable with him. I can see objectively that he's a gorgeous boy but I get so angry at him that I feel like at some point I'll snap and say/shout something awful. I plod round doing jobs, working, caring for ds and sleeping. I feel like I exist to do stuff for other people.
Ds does see his dad and he's a good dad and a nice guy but he has a much easier parenting role than I do (doesn't work, well off, all weekend every weekend child free, lovely partner who shares the household tasks...) and I find myself resenting him.
I'm desperate not to go back to the doctor and get antidepressants but what the fuck else is out there?
Please make some suggestions people, how can I turn my life around? If not for my own sake then for the sake of my lovely son??? Thank you.

Sounds very difficult OP. When does your ds see his dad? Is going part time an option? Even if down to 4 days. I'm sure you are a great mum, perhaps just one who needs to take care of herself a little more x

No, reducing work isn't an option at all sadly. I already have debts and often find money tight (despite being on a comfortable salary by most people's standards) ds sees his dad a couple of times in the week and Sunday afternoons so I do get a bit of me time each week but I waste it by sleeping. Perhaps doing something more productive with my Sunday's is a good place to start. Ds' dad will have him at weekends whenever I ask actually, I just feel guilty and rarely ask because that's my quality time with my son.

Hey @Redcrayonisthebest it sounds really quite difficult.

What leaps out at me is that you described wasting time by sleeping. I do not know why you consider sleeping to be a waste of time. It sounds as if you have a full-on life. Maybe you need to ask your Ds's dad and your DS if they would be okay spending, for example, one weekend together a month, or two weekends together in a row as a one-off, and see how much sleep you get during that down time. I tend to think that if I sleep a lot that is because I really, really needed it.

To be fair, there is a difference, I think, between sleeping to rest and what I call "sleeping to escape" which is more of a depression thing.

This could be one simple thing to try, and see if it helps you.

I think you're at risk of martyring yourself. You should arrange for DS to see his DF at least every other weekend then you can have some downtime. It will make you much happier to have some time to yourself for self-care and a lie in. People who don't sleep enough are more likely to become stressed, depressed, and eat badly. I personally would rather my son see me less often and happy, than constantly and stressed.

Thanks for replying, I know what you're saying about sleep and to a large extent have always justified my Sunday nap as a "catch up" sleep. I'm beginning to wonder now though if there isn't an element of sleeping to escape in it and if so, would another activity be more helpful long term.

Thank you both RE suggesting ds's dad does a regular weekend. I've toyed with the idea several times and let it go again due to guilt. I might have a chat and see if we can at least put some dates in for the new year.