I really need someone to talk to

[Imjustuseless]

ok So I really need someone to talk to and on here (I feel) is the only place to do it. This might be long so I hope no one minds, but I need to get everything off my chest.

I know I’m depressed, and I’m really worried as the feelings aren’t going away and I can’t go to the doctor and I don’t have anyone I can talk to.....I don’t want to burden anyone and that’s what I feel I do if I tell anyone how I’m feeling.

I think my problems stem from my childhood (parents alcoholics, domestic violence, didn’t have good friends at school because I was always that girl who nobody wanted to play with, didn’t have decent clothes or do very well in school).

I don’t have any self esteem. I am always buying myself things thinking that will make me feel better which ends up with me getting into debt (I’ve been able to stop myself getting too much into debt this time and I think I’ve learned my lesson with that one). I buy myself makeup as I love makeup I can apply makeup but don’t wear it incase anyone makes fun of me, says anything about me being too old (I’m late 40’s) I buy myself clothes that don’t fit me, im going to fit into that (but I’m probably about a size 16, and the clothes I buy are size 12! I want to be a size 12, but some days I just eat and eat and eat (I’m an emotional eater and binge on junk).

I feel I’m a burden to everyone. I can’t tell my husband how I feel as I feel it puts too much pressure on him, and one time he told me he felt he couldn’t speak to me about any problems/worries he had because of how I felt.
One of my kids is going through a stage where he is feeling down but doesn’t know why, says he’s feeling sad. I don’t know if this is an age thing (he’s 13).
These things make me feel worse, as I feel it’s my fault that I’m a failure my husband can’t speak to me, I’m a failure as a mum that my son might have depression because I’m very passed it onto him! How can I help my son when I can’t help myself?

I can’t speak to my mum, she isn’t in good health and I don’t want to worry her. I’m not close to my sibling, she is very judgmental.

My in laws don’t bother with me. A significant member of my family died last year and none of them turned up to the funeral to support me (I’ve been in the family for over 25 years).

Everyone in my life (except my friends and my children who I love with all my heart) has let me down. As I said parents alcoholics, sister walks all over me, husband had an affair, in laws talk about me behind my back, have no respect for me.

I just feel as if I’ve been put on this earth as some sort of joke and someone somewhere is having a right good laugh.

I’m always worrying about things, and it can be anything and everything, things I have absolutely no control over.

I am a carer and my employer gets access to my medical records and I have to get a medical every couple of years, so I can’t go to the doctor with this as then I need to tell my employer and I could end up losing my job which I can’t afford.

I just don’t know what to do. I know life is passing me by and I want to get better but I don’t know how to help myself.

I just feel a complete jinx to everyone around me.

You’re not useless and you’re not a jinx.
It’s the illness that makes you feel like this.
You must seek medical help. You won’t lose your job for needing help and support.
If you get help you can turn this around. You’ll feel better in yourself and will be able to support everyone else in the way you want to.

Hi, OP - does your employer actually get access to your records, or is it that they can require a medical report, whether from your GP or another medica, profession?

It would be very unusual for an employer to have access to the underlying medical, records themselves

Consider a group like ACOA for confidential group support and fellowship

Yes they get full access to my medical records as I work with children. If I went to the doctor I would need to speak to my husband, I would need to speak to my team leader etc. I really really don’t want to do that.

I will have a look at ACOA to see if they could help me. I should probably go to an Al-Anon group too as I do think majority of my problems stem from my childhood. I have looked up characteristics of adult children of alcoholics and that is me to a T.

I don’t want to hurt myself or anything like that but I feel like I’m constantly on edge, shaking and would gladly sit about all day doing nothing, and I’m trying really hard not to cry all day.

It sounds like you are depressed & really do need to see a doctor... but if you can't then can you afford private counselling?
Also there are books like Depression for dummies & CBT for dummies that are really good.

Re: the make up - no one is too old for make up seriously! Just apply it well & you may feel a bit better. Make up can help some women (like me) feel they can face the world & give you confidence.

Also consider writing down your problems or typing them out it may be therapeutic too.

I worked as a teacher and got help for depression. I certainly didn’t get sacked for it.

Wolfiefan I work with vulnerable children

If your illness doesn’t affect your ability to do your job then why is it relevant? You’re not psychotic and thinking of harming anyone.
TBH I rationalised it by considering what effect my poor MH would have on my job if I didn’t get help.

It doesn’t affect my job at all, I love my job and I know the children love me, they all come to me and ask for me.

So why would you be sacked? I had contact with some very vulnerable students. You’re much better able to do such a job to the very best of your ability if you look after your own mental health.

Do you think theres a chance you are suffering burnout type symptoms from your work? Just an idea

But who at your employer gets access to your medical records - presumably Occupational Health rather than to all and sundry or your line manager??