Looking for a bit advice, I will give a bit of a back story.
As a very small child I was very anxious, I had to carry out certain routines (had a set script I had to say to my parents every night before bed), was very fearful about being the last one awake in the house and as a result would end up being the last one awake, always struggled to sleep, had a fear of germs (would take a glass of water to bed and cover it with toilet paper so germs couldn't get in, would frequently spit to get the germs out) I had a lot of what my parents called tantrums as a child, had separation anxiety from my parents, had a lot of fears surrounding money and would ask my parents what would happen if we had no money, would feel extreme guilt if I saw homeless people in the street, had a big fear of losing people and a fear of being sick. I know all of these fears are normal but mine started very young. My parents took me to see a behavioural psychologist at aged 8 because they struggled with the tantrums, he said it was because my parents weren't on the same page with discipline.......
I was always shy and socially awkward, I had one friend at primary school and did not like change at all. I didn't have very much confidence. I then went to secondary school and put on a massive front and everyone thought I was this confident and loud person when inside I was a wreck.
Every time I started a part time job as a teenager I would feel sick, have headaches, make excuses not to go and then to eventually quit, when I got to uni this got worse and involved lots of tears and panic. I'd always convince myself I didn't want to do my course and didn't want the jobs I had.
It got a lot worse as I entered adulthood and a doctor labelled it as anxiety so I did a lot of research into it, have had cbt various times over the years and I am on a low dose of antidepressants, it's been high over the years but I've managed to reduce, but am still struggling with a couple of things that cbt hasn't helped.
I really struggle with my breathing - as a child I had a few asthma tests because of this, all clear, I often feel like I can't get enough oxygen when I'm breathing and I have to take a really deep breath and it feels so restricted and tight and my chest almost hurts. When I'm focusing on my breathing it's even worse - in relaxation when I try to do deep breathing, it makes me panic! Does anyone have any suggestions about this?
Another thing I struggle with (but I suspect this may be quite common) is that I feel so awkward with social interaction - people wouldn't know this as I manage to put on a very good front, but inside I feel a mess, I have to make a conscious effort to stand normally and to make myself give eye contact. Is this something I should just accept?
I am also addicted to food, I binge it and I hide it. I think about food constantly and plan time to eat certain things that I'm currently addicted to. I eat until I feel sick. A lot of my friends say they're the same, so again is this just normal?
My final thing is that I have a lot of 'obsessions' that make me feel quite anxious.. like numbers, I have a safe number which is my birth date, so I like every number that I associate with to relate to this - not so much so that I wouldn't be able to cope with it, but it's something I think about, so if buying a house and the house number wasn't related to that number I wouldn't like it. Another one is displaying photos in my house, I counted up that I have 63 on display just downstairs, I look at them and I get anxious that I will have to replace them as time goes on or add more, I plan photos out that I'm going to take before an event and then don't relax until I've done it, if there's a really nice photo I don't feel it's enough to just have it on my phone and I worry it's not displayed. I am aware this sounds utterly ridiculous and quite embarrassing. If I'm interested in something I will totally immerse myself in it and do so much research and then buy things related to that.
I'm not really sure what I'm asking, maybe some reassurance that these things are normal and maybe some advice on the breathing and other things? Also if you hadn't guessed from this post my favourite topic is myself - I have to actually remind myself to ask about others, which makes me sound so selfish and self absorbed, I'm not - I really really care about others and am very loving! I do just go on a bit about myself and things I like!!