Am I wasting my time?

[beck1993]

Ok be warned - this thread is long!

I've been with my fiancé approximately 3 years. I love him and I don't doubt that he loves me. We have children. But I'm miserable. I feel like he doesn't really want me anymore. I'm aware I've put weight on since my last pregnancy (our LO is 18 months) so I'm slightly insecure about that, but I feel the only time he's really nice to be is when he wants to get a leg over. And honestly? It's not even that often anymore. Even when I initiate it, I feel like he's not really "into it" or he even sometimes rejects me.
I also have asked (since October) for him to arrange a date night. It's usually my mum that has the kids when we go out, a couple of times a month which is nice but it's always for an event like someone's birthday etc, never actually quality time. He hasn't done anything. It's not even like I've made subtle hints, I've directly asked and made suggestions and he's just not bothered. I just feel disappointed most of the time and it's not fair!
I'm probably not the easiest person to live with when I'm stressed either but I feel I shouldn't have to justify places I like to go and what I want to do. Surely it's not selfish to want some time alone together? Tonight was the last night we had a babysitter until after new year, perfect opportunity to do something. Instead he went to the local, stayed there until gone 1am while I was at home on my own. I'm not one to wallow in self pity but I do feel really shit about it.
It's giving me such anxiety when he's out to the point where I can't rest and get palpitations. The state he came home in as well, I mean he's 30 next year and it's just embarrassing to get that way every time you go out. He can't stand up and his eyes actually close.
It's been going on for ages and I feel like it doesn't matter what I say, it's falling on deaf ears. I've tried talking about it to the point where I cry - and he doesn't even comfort me when I do. I don't want to break up and for the kids sake I feel like I owe the commitment but I don't know what else to do. I can't make him change his behaviour and I definitely can't accept it. I feel like there's an emotional void in me and it's getting bigger. Dramatic but true! Do I ask him to leave? Am I wasting my time? Is it my fault? Am I reading too much into this? Help 😭

You're not reading too much into things, in my opinion. Sounds like he veers between emotionally distant and absent, which means your legitimate needs for understanding and support in the relationship aren't being met. He acts out by drinking unreasonable amounts that put him in a pathetic state. He avoids intimacy by not being proactive about date nights, and it even sounds as though his attitude makes you feel like you're being unreasonable when you state what you'd like to do together and where you'd like to go. That's not just hard work, it's very confusing and hurtful for you. Makes it seem like you're being unreasonable somehow, when in actual fact it's his utter apathy that's not healthy or normal. What little sex you are having seems to be fraught with disconnection and disappointment, not to mention a lack of synchronicity.

Wheen he comes home in that state, how can you not get the sense, even if only deep down, that he's being avoidant? Sounds extremely lonely for you, OP. You get no empathy from him even when you're visibly upset. There's something very wrong with his attitude, but unfortunately I get the impression he's waiting for you to make a decision about separating that he's not brave enough to make, even though he's causing it. Almost like he's starving you of love until you crack and call it a day. In your situation, would he save face if the decision to split was left to you? You say you don't doubt that he loves you, but given his attitude and behaviour, as an outsider I'd have to disagree. He's not loving you in some fundamental ways. Perhaps you have your suspicions about why that is, or perhaps you genuinely haven't got a clue and are just completely confused by it all. Either way, it sounds like the impact on you is quite cruel at times. Can you carry on like this?

You're absolutely right, you can't change his behaviour. Might he need professional input to get to the bottom of why he's being this way, so that his behaviour could change as a result of facing some stuff he's struggling with that you mightn't know about? In any case, that emotional void you describe isn't healthy and can't be allowed to get any deeper, for your sake and the children's. You're also not being dramatic. You're getting fuck all back and it's painful!