I can't go on. I have to so I will but I can't

[imatheendofmytether]

I am so deeply unhappy

I left an abusive relationship, I'm 7 1/2 stone at least overweight, I've no confidence or hope anymore

All I ever wanted was a family - the little support I had from birth family has been stretched to the point there's little left with ex's manipulation

My DS is the one good thing but I'm not enjoying him and have had every occasion ever ruined by his dad - every milestone there's a sad memory now attached

I don't seem to be able to do anything

I know it's up to me and there's no Prince Charming or fairy godmother who will rescue me but I just haven't the bloody energy to begin

I've tried multiple medications, done hours of counselling etc rinse and repeat ... nothing fucking changes

Life just slips by

I would give up if I could... isnt an option obviously as DS needs me

People tell me every year at this time - things will get better.... but they haven't!! Not even leaving him made it better. I don't seem to have the energy or willpower to find happiness in myself

Oh love, you're in a bad place at the minute aren't you! ☹️ No doubt made worse by all the #feelingfestive #familyfun #makingmemories bullshit that flies around at the time of year, when in reality so very many people are struggling with the dark, the cold, the loneliness, the griefs and the disappointments of life that are just magnified by all the messages out there that make us feel like failures. It's so hard. But please don't quit. As you say, your son needs you .

I don't know what to say really. Just didn't want your post to go unanswered. Things can change but it is bloody hard work, and when you are as down as you so obviously are, it's difficult. But your life can get better, but it really can only come from you. Somehow you have to find the things that make your life just that little bit better, those things that can and do bring you some small measures of joy or contentment. And somehow find a way not to circle everything back to your son's dad ruining things....don't give him that power.

I hope others can give you the words of encouragement and advice you need. Look after yourself x

I am no expert. Just want to offer some support and some for you.

I certainly hope things will get better for you. How old is DS? How long ago did you split up with your abusive ex? Is ex now completely out of your lives?

Well done for finding the strength to leave the toxic relationship. That is a big step.

I guess it will sound really clichéd, but I suppose you need time, and as much professional support as you can get. If your DS is very young still then time for yourself will probably be in fairly short supply.

Are you able to get in touch with others who have been through similar and are coming out the other end now? Others who are or have been in a similar boat and can understand? Are there any support groups, either where you are living or online?

I hope you can find the help you need. Whatever it needs to be. Be kind to yourself too.

You've made a huge change, a necessary one, and where there's change there's hope. If you didn't think things could get better you'd have stayed as you were.

But it will be tiny incremental steps. It takes a long time to shake off the power somebody had over you. But you've done the most important thing, others will follow.

You'll make new milestones, and be able to look back and see you didn't need a Prince Charming or rescuer to do so. But you know that already.

Searching for happiness can be a misnomer. Contentment, peace, satisfaction, "just enough", those can be better places to start. You say what you don't have, but what about what you do? A son, strength, courage, the will to hope for change, a sense of fairness, being realistic. Be kind to yourself - why not?

I just can't take the bullying any more. He lords things over me constantly. Money primarily. He doesn't split his son and me in his head and takes joy in humiliating me and trying to make me believe it's my fault he doesn't bother with his child.

I wouldn't bother living anymore if it wasn't for DS needing one parent who gave a shit.

I can't quite believe the universe has alllowed him to be happy while he's destroyed every piece of me I once had but it has. If only karma fucking existed!!!

This is probably too soon to say this as things sound very raw for you, but have you heard of the grey rock technique? He behaves like he does because he wants to get a reaction out of you. He wants to see that he still has power and control over you. So you need to behave like a rock; solid, immovable, unflinching, silent.

It's very difficult as first because your emotions are very near the surface. You will also probably be doing things you'd rather not because you're putting your ds first. But you need to disconnect and disengage as much as possible.

You've left him physically, now you need to leave him mentally and emotionally. You owe him nothing, the only link is your son. As you say, like a lot of men he can't separate you from his son. That's his failing. You are capable of making that separation.

Any contact you have with him need only be about your son. If you don't want to talk to him you don't have to. Maybe it's best you only have contact via text or email. Keep everything brief and factual. Don't get drawn into anything outside of those arrangements. It'll only drag you down and sap your energy. Don't let him into your home.

You have the power here. i presume you're the resident parent. If he doesn't bother with his child then that's his fault, you know it's not yours. If his son is just a weapon to get at you that'll wear thin when he sees it's not working.

If he won't co parent all you can do is offer reasonable access. Your son only needs one consistent figure to bond with and he has that in you. You can do this.

HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. Does that sound a bit leftfield, OP? You've suffered at his hands, you've found the strength to leave him, but he is punishing you through your son and in doing so he keeps you hoping he'll change one magical day and your son will get his daddy back. It'd be very understandable if part of your definition of happiness was about helping your son feel as complete as possible. Except that nasty bastard couldn't give a toss about his own little boy and instead uses him to keep hurting you and keep you miserable. So, as PPs have said, you now need to make sure all your boundaries are your own, that they protect you and your son and make absolutely no concessions to accommodate that selfish waste of space. Ever again. Get as much help with that as you can, because learning to do it can be challenging, but something tells me that the more boundaries you put in place where the Miserable Rat is concerned, the more control you'll feel you have. Over time, that'll give you the confidence and the space to be happy.

Oh, and you honestly believe that mess of a human being is really happy? That's not happiness, it's desperation and facade and fundamentally empty, I bet. Give it time and you'll see! But don't put your life and happiness on hold waiting for that circus to collapse around him. Get on with living your own life. You say your family don't have much left for you, but maybe if they see you do everything in your power to really separate yourself and your son from your ex's manipulation, over time they'll feel more able to support you.

How clear are the arrangements by which he contributes financially? Because if that's pretty much all you need to have to do with him about (remember: he will never change), then if those arrangements are unsatisfactory, ie. they give him opportunities to keep hurting and controlling you, get some sort of arbitration involved and clarify everything properly. That itself is a boundary that he abuses as long as it's not formalised enough to keep him away from you.

Excellent advice reenchantment .

I only do have any contact due to DS and it is all limited to email

He has gone on to another relationship that he put above DS - failed to even mention to DS it existed until they were threatening me laughably with going for full custody despite her not even once meeting DS

He pays maintenance and thinks that makes him wonderful

Then occasionally months late sends gifts and showers DS

One monetary gift I purchased something unknowingly that he'd already bought DS then he told me he'd already got it and had a go at me for him now being out of pocket

That gift stopped working so I went back to him and said if he hadn't already returned it this one had stopped working so DS would still appreciate that one

And was told I take the piss and implied I financially exploit him as he had to pay to deliver gifts as I won't let him come to my home and apparently he's sent another monetary gift so I won't get a penny out of him

Ignoring that I don't want a bloody penny out of him, if I could raise DS without even maintenance I would actually not claim it and simply was mentioning that due to one item breaking/being faulty he could if he wanted consider sending the one he bought

I got told he'd call the police if I continued to contact him and that he has no time for me and I should go away - missing the point that I don't want to contact him, he didn't need to reply in the first place and it was nothing to do with me but me saying on behalf of my son who's upset this gift isn't working!

I'm painted as the evil witch because I told him to go through court for contact as he refused everything that I offered and made threats rather than actually doing anything to support contact. He's convinced many people he can't afford to - despite that actually he needs to afford little as I never refused contact, I just got to the point that nothing was ever stuck to and he changed it all the time that I said it needed formalising in court once and for all

What he wants is a full trial where he can rip me to shreds - which is totally unnecessary since I'm not even refusing contact!

So instead it's no contact with DS, manipulating my family and in time I'm sure DS head about it and all of it with the support of a woman who he's somehow justified all his abuse of me to plus my sons extended family on his side who all refuse to see DS too yet have my phone number and I've made it very clear over the years - call me and arrange it, it's that simple!

So basically I have to feel guilty and it's all my fault... except actually the truth is he wants a fight with me more than seeing or parenting DS

And I do feel awful as I wish DS wasn't the loser in this

As an outsider reading your post it's so clear what he's up to. New relationship (surprise, surprise) doesn't want any responsibility for his son, but wants trophy dad status and a big pat on the back for helping to financially maintain his own flesh and blood. Textbook. Unoriginal, and many people will see straight through it.

You don't have to feel guilt and it's obviously not all your fault. You don't owe anybody an explanation, but there's nothing to stop you gently repeating to ds's extended family and your own that you are very keen for him to have a relationship with his dad. However, for ds' well being it needs to be agreed, consistent and with his needs placed first. Your ex won't do this, and seems to want a court to decide things. This is not what you want, nobody in their right mind would.

Then repeat. It's the grey rock technique again really. Don't get drawn into detail, into defending yourself, justifying your actions. Just a simple statement of the facts.

It is sad for your ds, but you know that you are doing the best you can. You can't change his dad's behaviour. Children are smart and pick things up quickly. They see through Disney dads. They come to recognise a mum that's always been there for them, hasn't rubbished their dad, who talks positively about them seeing their dad, but then dad's never around.

It's not up to you to repair the damage he will do to his relationship with his son. All you can do is protect him, and facilitate any contact should it ever arise. You know he's prioritising his dispute with you over his son. I should imagine he'll soon get bored when he sees you're not interested. Until then just concentrate on you and your son. Ignore his childish threats about the police, you know it's all hot air. Probably just bravado to show off to his new girlfriend.

The best revenge is to live well. If he was enjoying his life he'd be happy in his new relationship and making an effort to come to a compromise to see his son. But he's not. His male pride is probably still bruised from your leaving him. Well he'll just have to learn to live with it.

Don't give him any more power. Detach, detach, detach.

Very sound post, nicenewdusters. Love your clarity, insight and practicality.

Hope this month is a surprisingly enjoyable one for you, OP. Do whatever little things you can to create a safe and focused Xmas for you and DS. Ignore any emails from exDH, perhaps. He'll have nothing new to offer and you deserve a break. Don't allow yourself to be drawn in.