I don't know how to be happy anymore. Please help me find a way out of this.

[Inafog]

I don?t know how to be happy anymore. I think I need help but I don?t know where to turn or what to do.

I have been putting on a brave face, an act of everything being OK, for so long. Now I am admitting to myself that I am desperately unhappy most of the time. I don?t seem to be able to be nice to the people who love me. I am always picking faults in my wonderful husband and lately I have found little joy in my children, who of course, I love dearly.

The past week or so I have found myself sobbing and up until then I have not cried properly for a couple of years. I?ve been convincing myself that things will get better when X happens; things will get better when I do Y. But those days come and those things happen and I feel no different. I don?t change.

A whole multitude of circumstances and personal problems lead me to this current state. Not working, moved to a new area a few years ago, few close friends, boredom, low self-esteem, shyness, a feeling of underachievement throughout my life, feeling trapped even though I very much want to remain married to my husband and in a family unit with my children.

I?m so overwhelmed and paralysed by it all, I no longer know what to do for the best. I do not fancy my chances of getting a new job in my current state. Without a job and a sense of being, I feel inferior and don?t feel comfortable and confident in making new friends, without spare time I feel stressed and bored with the minutiae of day to day life.

I keep denying that I am depressed for several reasons. I have very good days and good weeks and for a long time have put my mood down to horrid PMT. I don?t see how I can be depressed when I can still feel happy and look forward to things sometimes. Another reason is that I have been against taking anti-depressants. I took Fluoxetine when I was at University 10 years ago and it helped but I remember that numb feeling. I also worry about loss of libido because it?s not long since it came back. I mostly worry about having depression on my medical notes. How is that going to help me get a new job? My shyness means I avoid the doctor whenever possible. I really do not know how I could go to my doctor and tell her all of this. I can?t even tell my husband ? I don?t want him to think of me as a victim.

Please someone help. I need to know that if I do take ADs, it could be a gateway to my life changing for the better. If not, what else cold I do? How can I change myself so that I like myself? How can I get better if I don?t treat the causes of my depression? And how do I do that and actually see results? I feel like I am wasting my one life here and I don?t want to live a life of bitterness. I don?t want to be me anymore. I feel like I would like to run away from it all but I could never actually do that.

Inafog, I have been and am where you are. It's not easy to soldier on when you feel that low.

imho it's very possible to have good moments and still be depressed. I have good phases and then downright 'want to drive into next tree phase'. Please go and see your doctor or a counciller, I'm sure they've had to 'deal with' shy people before. Nowadays depression isn't tagged with such a stigma anymore so it shouldn't be a downside for finding a new job. If you have to fill in a medical form and it asks about mental illness/depression tick yes and put PND It's widly accepted nowadays.

Would your husband understand if you told him all this? Or would it just make him feel helpless? My dh never knows what to do when I'm in one of my emotional droughts...

I don't know you personally so can't really start to suggest anyting that you could change about yourself to feel better. Are there any particular areas about yourself you are not happy with? Hair? Skin? weight? Would it change how you feel about yourself if you change them?

Also with you already formulating everything that is bothering you here on mn is the first step to seeking help and making changes

Not sure whether my waffling helped but at least you know you're not the only one out there feeling like this.

Oh Inafog I feel for you I really do. I have suffered from depression and anxiety in the past and it does feel like you are under a cloud that will never lift, life does seem ultimately pointless.
However you obviously love you husband and children dearly and therein lies your hope. My dh (who is also wonderful) was so frustrated when I was down, he just couldn't see how to help me or what was so 'bad' with our life. I did a course of CBT which really, really helped. You can get it on the NHS but if financially possible I would go private because it's quicker and there are some great practitioners there too.
I would consider antidepressants again too. 10yrs ago is a long time in the world of medicines, you may find there is something which doesn't have the side effects you didn't like last time.
I have been out of my 'fog' for about a year now. Unfortunately I had a set back last week but after a few positive steps I can feel it clearing already (thanks again to all the wonderful mumsnetters who posted a reply to me)
Please, please consider going to your GP tomorrow, even if it is just to talk. You can help yourself but you need a hand with the first step. Take care.

hi inafog, go and see you gp, if you leave this it is going to get worse trust me, ive suffered depression for years (attempted suicide at lowest) and ive never had problem getting a job, im a shy person too and yes it can be hard talking about it, but when you do it gets it out and can really help you realise your not mad or on your own. ive been holding off going to gp, not sure but think i might have slight PND, and im going to take my own advice. get the ADs they will help put things in prospective and hopefully you will get your confidence to go back to work. good luck and take care. xxx

Thank you to those who posted a response. I am happy to hear all opinions so thank you for sharing your perspective.

I blurted it all out to DH in the end and the poor love does not know what to do with the information. He bought me flowers and gave me lots of cuddles and offered the type of advice that men like to offer. Feeling the way I do is alien to him.

It is a relief to have off-loaded both here and to him. I am interested in pursuing counselling and maybe CBT.

inafog, glad you could offload on dh. Aren't they just too sweet though when they get confronted with those problems? Mine buys me chocolates which he well knows he shouldn't buy me as I'll feel even lower after having demolished the pack . But he means well... good luck and there is a light at the end of the tunnel it just sometimes seems a bit far away

inafog I can realy relate to where you are- that was me a 16 months ago, only when I offloaded to my dh, he went and fell asleep (he has made up for it since). I too had been feeling like I wasn't really depressed, but wasn't right either, for a couple of years (since the birth of my second child) but things kind of came to a head and I started wanting to throw myself over Railway bridges or crash into trees and ended up crying solidly for 48 hours. Dh insisted I went to my Gp, and I was put onto citalopram, which I honestly think saved my life.

I didn't feel numb, I just felt normal again. and I started being happy again. I enjoyed spending time with my kids instead of constantly having to stop myself from screaming at them (or worse). I had a short course of counselling within my Gp's surgery, and I came off the tablets a couple of months ago. I still have issues, but i am arranging more counselling to sort them out, because I finally feel strong enough to try to resolve some of my big underlying issues, rather than not being strong enoughto cope with life

Inafog,

You look like you are suffering from depression and axiety and because this is going on for a while now, it will be difficult to get better on your own or wait for it to go away by itself.

I am going through a very bad time with my depression and social anxiety. After many months of trying to cope, I went back to my surgery and asked for the GP who specilises in mental health.

I have also written down all my thoughts and how I feel. the doctor found this really helpful and helped me immensely to get across how I really feel.

I am on a new antidepressant called citalopram and it is early days to say how this is going to affect me. I have been on AD before and they do help. I have also been referred for therapy and they should get in touch with me soon.

My advise is go back to the sirgery and ask for the GP who is more experienced in this area, write things down and get all the help you can from them.

Please do go to see your GP (if possible try o see a friendly, female, working mother one who will probably recognize where you are coming from - mine did instantly) It's not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength that you are recognising that you have a problem and are trying to fix it. All the recent changes in your life are simply too much for your brain to handle without some help, and AD's will simply give your brain the chemical support you need to come to deal with those changes.

Good luck. I am fully aware that you won't beleive me, (because I wouldn't have done 16 months ago) but you can and will get better, and you will like being you again one day.

Unafog, about your worry of depression affecting your chances of employment, I forgot to mention, that I have depression in my notes, but I did not have to disclose to the new employer to the HR department in confidence until after I was offered the job.

I was never rejected on those grounds because in general they have to prove that you wqill not be able to do the job. i am not sure about the law though. I dont think they can discrimanate for depression.

They can't discriminate for depression - it is counted as a disabilty so is covered under the DDA (only exception being jobs not covered by DDA like childcare, though even there it's employers responsibility to prove it is an issue)

Inafog you describe your feelings very well and as someone who has had very similiar feelings i really do empathise. (especially the part about reaching events that will make everything better but, sadly, dont.)
Please make an appointment to see either a counsellor or gp, talking to a therapist is very helpful imo and dont worry if you spend the first session in tears it really does start to help. Like you, i wasnt keen on ads (although reading others posters makes me think this too could have been a sympton of pnd, fear of being numb or something like that)
So its great you offloaded to your dh (mine finds it almost impossible to understand what im upset about considering how great everything is - loving family etc) as that is a starting point, and here too. Please allow him to help you make a call to a therapist or gp and keep chatting to us here.

Thank you all, once again. I have been reading a bit more about depression and it seems very obvious to me that I am depressed and I have been supressing my feelings for about a year. When my second baby had their 8 month check about a year ago I spoke to the HV about not feeling quite right but having too many good days to think I was truly derpessed. So, this may have been going on for a year. I wish I had pursued it further with the HV last year as she was a nice one.

prufrock - thank you for sharing your story. That's what I am worried about. I am worried that, even though I have good days, the bad days might get worse and I might end up breaking down. I have forgotten what it feels like to feel normal.

I like the suggestion of writing things down to speak to the doctor.

My DH is the same, he sees us as a lovely family with no major worries or stresses in our lives. How could I not be happy?

It also sounds to me as if you should be doing something for yourself, to help you build your self confidence and self esteem. And if nothing else, doing something new will break the routine, which can be a downer in itself.

Do you do any exercise? This can also help make you feel better.

But above all, agree with everyone else here, go and see your GP. Why not print out your original post, as it is a very good description of your situation and how you feel?

inafog -my life is perfect on the outside. Dh is lovely, my kids have no problems, we have a beautiful house, are very comfortable financially, I can buy whatever I want, dd is at school, ds is at pre-school, I have time to myself, I can go for facials, I am playing at studying, I chair the local pre-school.

This sounds very self-indulgent, but sometimes the lack of real problems is what causes depression. I know that if I had something real to worry about, I would cope, and cope well. It's the lack of anything important in your life, the lack of any real motivation or sense of self worth that can trigger depression, especially when you have emotional chnages, and hormonal changes going on as well. It is honestly so very very common to feel like this.

Please please go and see your GP and get some help. If you find it hard to talk about how you are feeling you could always print out your original post to show the doctor, as you explain things very clearly here.

I know its hard to believe but you WILL get better with the right help and support.

Take care

xxx

I was diagnosed with depression quite recently but felt very much like you described for 2 years. I finally got to the point when I was crying all the time over very minor things - so I went to see my GP who was very kind. I am ashamed at how often my son has seen me cry - and how moody I have been with everyone. Like you I moved away from all my friends and am now isolated as am a single mum, with a long commute and job which is going nowhere (or is that me!). I am now seeing a therapist who is very kind and very helpful and read Dorothy Rowe book about depression which has also helped. I haven't yet gone the AD route - not because I have anything against them but I am giving the therapy a chance first. I hope you feel better soon - I don't have the magic words to make you feel better - as I am not there yet - but just wanted to say that I feel exactly the same. It's not easy - and you're not alone.

Your words hit so close to home, I have e everything I could want, a great man, good job, house, and love and support but I find myself questioning life. I'm happy most days but then I find myself in depression mode for no reason and don't know how to overcome this and be truly happy.