I don?t know how to be happy anymore. I think I need help but I don?t know where to turn or what to do.
I have been putting on a brave face, an act of everything being OK, for so long. Now I am admitting to myself that I am desperately unhappy most of the time. I don?t seem to be able to be nice to the people who love me. I am always picking faults in my wonderful husband and lately I have found little joy in my children, who of course, I love dearly.
The past week or so I have found myself sobbing and up until then I have not cried properly for a couple of years. I?ve been convincing myself that things will get better when X happens; things will get better when I do Y. But those days come and those things happen and I feel no different. I don?t change.
A whole multitude of circumstances and personal problems lead me to this current state. Not working, moved to a new area a few years ago, few close friends, boredom, low self-esteem, shyness, a feeling of underachievement throughout my life, feeling trapped even though I very much want to remain married to my husband and in a family unit with my children.
I?m so overwhelmed and paralysed by it all, I no longer know what to do for the best. I do not fancy my chances of getting a new job in my current state. Without a job and a sense of being, I feel inferior and don?t feel comfortable and confident in making new friends, without spare time I feel stressed and bored with the minutiae of day to day life.
I keep denying that I am depressed for several reasons. I have very good days and good weeks and for a long time have put my mood down to horrid PMT. I don?t see how I can be depressed when I can still feel happy and look forward to things sometimes. Another reason is that I have been against taking anti-depressants. I took Fluoxetine when I was at University 10 years ago and it helped but I remember that numb feeling. I also worry about loss of libido because it?s not long since it came back. I mostly worry about having depression on my medical notes. How is that going to help me get a new job? My shyness means I avoid the doctor whenever possible. I really do not know how I could go to my doctor and tell her all of this. I can?t even tell my husband ? I don?t want him to think of me as a victim.
Please someone help. I need to know that if I do take ADs, it could be a gateway to my life changing for the better. If not, what else cold I do? How can I change myself so that I like myself? How can I get better if I don?t treat the causes of my depression? And how do I do that and actually see results? I feel like I am wasting my one life here and I don?t want to live a life of bitterness. I don?t want to be me anymore. I feel like I would like to run away from it all but I could never actually do that.