What is this?

[pococops]

I go through periods of depression, have done since my teans and now early 40s.
I'm sure sometimes I'm manic but I have learned to manage it. Have real trouble expressing feeling and through previous therapy found I internalise. I have negative thoughts but on the our side try to be positive. It's like a constant battle. Stressful events and times trigger it e.g. Christmas. I seem to go into a different zone. My memory isn't great but I manage work, house, patenting. I'm a single mum following divorce years ago.
Recently I've been working a lot of hours - more than full time in a demanding job. Because of this have lost my gym routine and have put on weight. That's all that has changed, no significant life events.
When I was shopping I bought paracetamol and 'the thought' crossed my mind but also scared me. I also had a vivid dream of begging a teacher to help me and woke from it last night?
I've felt anxious too, sometimes feeling I just can't keep going. Thankfully I have a break from work now. Is this as simple of the balance being 'tipped'?

It’s great that you have a break from work now. You know your triggers like stressful events so it’s important that you take notice of them and try hard to look after yourself when you notice those triggers. You’ve come through it before and you will again. It’s learning what you did before to feel yourself again. Then knowing what your action plan is, you put it into practice.
Relax as much as you can now you have a break. Talk to someone about this. Meditate - I found an app which really helped me through my bout of depression.

You can do this!

@Realitea, thanks for your reply. Yes I'm much more aware of the triggers now. The break from work has really helped. I really feel I need to offload to someone, I don't have much support so can get trapped in the feelings and thoughts.
What I did before- get back into exercise, eat healthily and make time for people (really need to meet new people) I'm a bit of a loner at the moment and have lost confidence. I have a few apps, calm and headspace. I can't imagine not having depression and anxiety. Those who have never experienced are so lucky

The break really helps doesn’t it? Sometimes we feel trapped in an exhausting routine and don’t make time for ourselves. Exercising and eating healthy really helps- I started to do that in the spring but have since fell off the wagon I’m definitely going back to it soon as it made me feel so much better
Headspace is what did it for me. Absolutely brilliant.
Socialising, even if you don’t feel like it, really brings you out of yourself and your thoughts and definitely works
Mine comes and goes, when it comes I just do what I need to do to get back to how I was before and just be patient. I try to think of it as something like flu. Makes it a bit less daunting!