Brief background - I have had on/off mh issues since my teens, diagnosed depression and anxiety, suicide attempts etc. I used to take anti-depressants but stopped taking them without doctor consultation about a year ago when I moved areas. I have always worried that was not a good decision but have generally been ok until recently.
Lots of things have happened recently to trigger this, the key thing being I lost a baby - i thought i was ok in the aftermath and came back to work after sick leave but things are starting to spiral. Although my colleagues did a good job to cover my work while I was off, I started getting really behind on work and i can't get catch up. It's mostly because I can't concentrate or work quickly - I have persistently had the problem that I will sit and worry about the work I'm doing, and now it's really escalating where I am behind on so much stuff. I work in quite a customer-facing role and I am starting to really dread have people come and talk to me - it makes me feel physically sick when I realise I have to speak to someone and I've been avoiding it as much as I can, like making my colleagues take phone calls. i've also noticed i'm being a bit shorter with people, not being as sympathetic as I usually am. This is also directed at my colleagues (and even my boss!) which i don't mean to do but I think it's the stress (it's also affecting my personal life)
I do really enjoy my job normally, and I think I get on well with everyone I work with, but now every day for the past week it's been hard to go in. Last week I even left work early and spent an extra day off - obviously making the problems of being behind worse. I feel like I'm having a heart attack on the bus on the way and in physical pain, and I feel close to crying a lot of the time. No one at works knows about my mh issues, recent or historical, and I think they could be sympathetic - but I find it really hard to talk about it and I'm scared it will change their attitude towards me or think I'm a flake (also my employer is nice but it is very hard to get a free moment with them where I'd be comfortable talking about it, and we don't have a normal hr system like most jobs)
I finally called my GP today and we have arranged an appointment for 2 weeks. I didn't push for a quicker time - i don't think it's an emergency? - but I'm still feeling so much dread going in tomorrow and I know I have all this work that really needs to be done but I know I won't be able to do it. I don't know what to do - I'm scared I'm letting everyone down as I'm working badly and it's going to really affect us but I don't want any of them what's going on.