Adult ASD assessment, answer is no. Feel totally adrift

[Soggysockssuck]

I had a few hyper whirlwind emotion days, not much sleep, can't eat properly. Last night I think I had my first ever panic attack, it was horrible whatever it was and this morning I woke up feeling wretched.

I feel adrift and untethered. I was so sure when AS was first brought up and I did the tests that I felt a secure hope and strength for the first time in my life. My brain was joyous, yes, this is you, yes. But the answer is no.

I have let myself down and behaved like a petulant child at the second appointment because I was upset and stressed. It was awful and not what I expected. The first appointment was hyper and stressed and I thought the second would be better but I feel like I was dismissed from the start.

This morning I thought I would call the GP for an appointment for tablets but knew I wouldn't. But tonight I've remembered some Sertraline 50mg and Diazepam 2mg left from my last prescription so I'm thinking of taking 25mg Sertraline tonight.

I hate taking them as I feel awful, hyper, anxious and a speeding brain for near two weeks before the numb calmness sets in but I've been prescribed a few times over the past decade and 4-6 months of numbness can be a sort of reset but it always comes back around.

I really don't want to be me right now. I've never felt like this through a very challenging life and even though I've been cross and frustrated with myself/my brain I've always liked myself in my own insular way.

Why is everything always such a fight? This has taken 18 months and now I have to start all over again with trying to explain that I am really struggling. It doesn't help that I get abrupt and curt when I'm stressed which I think comes across as ballsy and aggressive when I'm just defensive and feeling trapped. I was really cross with the assessor being late on top of my own journey stress and it was downhill from the first minute.

WTF is wrong with me!??.

I'm sorry, just ranting. I'll try and hold off on the tabs until Monday and will call the doctors. Maybe they'll do a phone chat and I will be told again to take pills and call talking therapies, I said I would be asking for a second opinion but I don't know if I can go though it again.

Hmm. DD convinced herself she had ASD. She didn't, she had ADD. Has that been considered?

And nothi g's wrong with you. You were hoping for a solution and are naturally disapppointed, upset and angry. There will be a solution, but not this one.

Thank you Roses.

No ADD hasn't been mentioned. I only know that it stands for Attention Deficit Disorder. Well I think it does, maybe it's changed. I can give endless amounts of attention to the things I want to but struggle massively with concentration when stressed. And so, so many things stress me.

Why would it be so bad to have depression and anxiety?
Why are you not taking the Sertraline?
Why did you know you 'wouldn't' ring the GP to book an appointment?
Who mentioned ASD in the first place?
Not having ASD is a good thing. It means that you have a chance to be sorted.
Could it be a personality disorder? BPD causes people to feel empty and overwhelmed and some of the symptoms

As I read your post OP, I was thinking the same as blackfadder, sounds like it could be BPD. Being hyper sometimes, stressed, anxious, highly emotional, anxious, low mood, difficulty with people etc. Also commonly confused with ASD in either direction. Has this been mentioned?

Thank you both for your responses.

Why would it be so bad to have depression and anxiety?

They both can have serious consequences so I do think it would be bad for me to have both or either long term, or to
have the side effects of medication long term. I have
had situational depression and of course I feel anxiety
in certain situations just like anyone else could. As far as I can feel for myself any depression and anxiety has been a direct result of constant stresses piling up and then it's all too much.

Why are you not taking the Sertraline? Because I've worked very hard in the last 18 months to keep myself out of stressful situations and onto an even keel. This has worked so it seems counter intuative, possibly even harmful, to be taking a medication that leaves me feeling like a zombie with little enjoyment from the many things I love. What's the point of a life like that?.

Why did you know you 'wouldn't' ring the GP to book an
appointment? Because I struggle with phone calls anyway and I'll avoid making them as much as I can. Only one female GP in the practice so usually an extra wait to see her. Appointments usually over a week away anyway and then I have to overcome aversion to going there to speak to anyone and try and explain myself. Again.

Who mentioned ASD in the first place? The first Dr I saw 18 months ago suggested I use the telephone (Mind, Samaritans) or online support while I was waiting for a response from Talking Therapies, I joined a MH forum and a response suggested I look at AS, I did the AQ tests, scored highly, so much fit. I know it was wrong but it was like the fog of my life lifted. Hope.

Not having ASD is a good thing. It means that you have
a chance to be sorted. I don't have much faith as 'sorted' just seems to mean take tablets that make you feel bad in a different way. If it improved my life then I wouldn't keep circling back to the same sort of crisis.

Could it be a personality disorder? I guess it could be. This was mentioned in relation to childhood events but from things I have read I just can't see a fit with myself and my behaviours.

BPD causes people to feel empty and overwhelmed and
some of the symptoms The only times I've ever felt empty were both when I ended up feeling suicidal. I usually feel too 'full', an energy inside that bounces up and down saying 'get away, get away, get away' A thousand thoughts of everything that's going on around me. It's not like I feel fear or think there is danger to myself, it's more like an intense aversion and irritation at whatever situation/environmental factor is making me feel distressed.

This builds up into feeling cross and then I do get worried that I am going to growl or shout or roar. It's like my brain wants to fly out of my head. Like it's a flight animal that I have to keep a tight rein on. This gives physical side effects too so the internal distress becomes physical.

Counselling can still mean you can work through issues even without a formal diagnosis.
Many different mental health conditions are treated with the same or very similar treatments (SSRI plus a sleeping pill and maybe a beta blocker). By taking the treatment you have been given you can still .look into various diagnoses.

OP there are loads of other anti depressants than Sertraline which make you feel less of a zombie. From what you write I think you expect that managing your situation should manage your mood and you don't want to see that as a proper illness.
Some depression will only go away with treatment, tablets are part of that. Many people will say they wished they'd got treatment years ago.
I would try something else, it cannot hurt, as you seem very low at the moment, I do hope you feel better soon x

OP I completely understand where you are coming from that you want a proper diagnosis that "fits". Obviously not having ASD IS a good thing, but either way you are feeling rubbish (you aren't going to be like "Oh, I don't have ASD, now I feel absolutely fine!"), so it does actually help to have a label. It helps you know that you have a valid, real problem, and that you are not just making it up or feeling sorry for yourself, or being pathetic or whatever. Plus other people are a lot more understanding than when they think you are just being "difficult" etc. So I completely understand that you had pinned your hopes on the ASD diagnosis and finally getting some explanations for how bad you feel.

However, I would say that ASD does not have better outcomes than depression and anxiety. I will hold my hands up and say that I know very little about ASD, so maybe this is all incorrect, but I thought ASD was something you have for your life and there is very little anyone can do in terms of medication - and maybe also therapy when you are older. There is a lot that can be done to help as children, in terms of educational support etc., but you are obviously not a child. As I say, I am really no expert, but I would have thought depression and anxiety have much better outcomes as a whole, even if you go down the therapy/mindfulness route and not medication. If you DO have BPD there are also some really good treatments out there, although it can be harder to treat. So I guess I take exception to the thought that with ASD you are more likely to be "sorted" by treatment.

I hope you find some answers soon, and feel better. By the way, when they said you didn't have ASD, did they make any other suggestions at all, or refer you for further assessment/treatment, or did they just say to your GP that you don't have ASD, and leave it at that?

Is there any way that someone else could make a GP appointment for you to discuss why you are feeling this way? Also, can someone else go with you to help you open up? (And this is terrible, but they often take you more seriously if someone goes along with you and tells them how hard you are finding things) Maybe that is not an option (it is not for me), but worth thinking about.

Take care OP

Bear in mind OP that just because they say you don't have ASD doesn't mean that you don't have it. It's just their opinion. And I totally get how you feel - it would have been awful if I'd been told that no, that wasn't my problem.
ASD doesn't go away, no, but having a diagnosis for starters let's you know you fit in somewhere & that's huge. And it's useful to help explain to others why you struggle & why you might need some help or accommodations.
I do feel for you OP. Try and hang in there, get your bearings again and regroup. Then get to the doctors and insist on some direction to find out what the 'problem' really is.

I think a part of recovery however isn't looking for the 'problem'. It is about accepting the situation. If you can accept, you don't have a 'problem', you have small issues you can get through.

Do you think the person assessing you has enough knowledge of ASD in women? I've heard so many times of women who've masked (but struggled) all their lives not being diagnosed because the Doctor doesn't know enough about female presentations. If you 'know' you are Autistic, you know. Can you go fir a second opinion?

If sertraline make you feel like a zombie, then try a different antidepressant. I take fluoxetine and they work the best for me. An alternative might just help you deal with what you're going through enough, without feeling like a zombie.

Fermatslittletheorem you're comparing apples and oranges. Yes you're right, ASD is something that you have your whole life. But it's not an either/or with anxiety and depression. It's an explanation. Life with ASD is tough, we have a much higher incidence of mental health issues than the population as a whole.

I totally get why you are gutted OP. To go your whole life feeling like you're different and there's something wrong with you is horrible. Finally working out that there's a reason for all of it is a life-changing moment. I was beyond delighted to get my diagnosis. It was a brilliant thing for me.

I worry that your assessor doesn't know enough about adult women with ASD.

ADD is attention deficit disorder, name now superceded, have a look at ADHD-inattentive, more common in girls than boys, your brain is going like the clappers but externally, you just appear to be daydreaming. Also, the ability to hyperfocus on something that interests you while totally unable to organise day to day stuff, remember important dates etc. This could be one part of what you are experiencing. Also agree that you should get your meds changed. Sertraline doesn't suit everyone.
Could you maybe write down your symptoms, and get your GP to read it, then you won't have to worry about explaining it all.

If you know you are autistic, you know. Very irresponsible message to give the OP and very, very wrong. A lot of people think they have HFA. Some are right. An awful lot are wrong. I would think it's unlikely the diagnostic assessor was wrong. These are highly skilled specialisms. GPs and other general specialists often misdiagnose or don't recognise ASD in girls because they aren't experts in the area.

I had an adult assessment for ASD after referral by my GP because of sensory issues. One of my brothers definitely has ASD and the other probably does too.

The assessor said that I was definitely on the spectrum and had substantial sensory problems, but not sufficient for an ASD diagnosis. They also said that had I been assessed when young the diagnosis may have been different, but now my social interactions are above the threshold for ASD.

I was disappointed in a way, but not entirely surprised. I am aware that I cope much better as an adult than I did as a child. I also have a history of severe and prolonged childhood abuse, and several clinical psychologists, including he ASD assessor, have pointed out that early childhood abuse can cause a variety of behavioral difficulties, and it is impossible to tell now, 40+ years later, what was caused by nature and what by nurture (or lack of nurture).

ASD would have been a nice 'tidy' answer for me, but I do feel at peace with the outcome. Doctors don't have all the answers, science and medicine is full of thresholds and borderline results. I fall on one side of the threshold for ASD, but that is OK. Falling the other side wouldn't have made me 'better' either.

Maxthemartian, I have just read back and I'd read the thread wrong when I commented. I thought the OP had said she wanted ASD because that could be sorted easier than just depression and anxiety alone. That's why I said that depression and anxiety are much easier to treat than ASD. It is my fault for reading too quickly, apologies everyone. (And yes, I know all about comorbidity!)