Okay so I don't even know how to start as my heads all over the place right now but basically I work, only part time at 18 hours a week. Husband works full time and earns a great wage.
I've struggled with depression ever since my daughter was born and she is now nearly 10 years old but I never got help until my son came along and it got worse, he is now nearly 7. So I've been signed off work before and on medication.
However at the moment I'm struggling to just get up and take my kids into school in the morning it's a real task and luckily we have a drop off point so I can go in my pj's, put my coat on and drop them off at the gate as there are 4 teachers at different ends of playground and the gates right next to drop off so many parents do the same.
But I am struggling to have enough energy to eat and make breakfast or any food for myself, struggling to shower and just to take care of myself really. It's so hard and I'm so tired all the time and so low and I've never felt this bad and had been okay for so long but it's started to affect my work and relationships with hubby and my mum (as my mums my boss at work) so I'm now back on citalopram 20mg.
I just can't face going into work, I don't want to be there and I know that if I go back I'll still have bad days and call in to say I can't do it, sometimes I can't even manage to message because the anxiety of my mum replying and I'll just not turn up its just a crap state of affairs really.
My biggest issue with this is we have just brought a house which is ready in May 2019 and we will be exchanging contracts asap so I'm under pressure to keep my job for that. Hubby can afford mortgage on his own and bills etc but 1) I feel shit because that's not fair on him and 2) it means my money which we use as pocket money for treats etc would be gone.
I'm under so much pressure and even though I've told hubby to ease off and he knows I'm on medication he's still asking me constantly "have you spoke to your mum, are you going back to work, you need to work cause of this house, your mum's messaging me" it's like a constant income of missiles and I literally just haven't got the energy to keep going and keep telling my mum I can't make it I just want to leave the job and focus on me and making me better because at the minute every day I wake up I'm panicking about work knowing I just can't go in but having to message every day. My mums not making it any better as she's guilt tripping me saying my dad (who also works with her) is showing signs of stress again basically blaming me. I literally can't cope.
I've done all the paperwork for the house due to hubby work hours. I'm in charge of the kids packing up, homework and reading, uniforms, washing & housework and I literally just can't breathe with it all. It never stops and I don't know where to turn.
I've never over the 10 years I've suffered with mental health (started at 18 and I'm now 28) I've never thought suicide at all and I'm not seriously thinking of actually going through with anything but in the back of my mind I just think "it would take away everything!" I just feel so low. I don't even want to be signed off work because right now I can't even think of going back. I just want to curl up and be left alone.
Sorry for such a long post I haven't really got anyone else to vent at!
Claire. X