Feel like I can't go on...severe anxiety and depression

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

I feel like I've reached my lowest point and am in crisis and don't know where to turn for help. I've had many difficult things happen in my life that I've struggled through but in the last year my anxiety has got out of control and I spend most of my time worried about illness and death. This has been compounded recently by being diagnosed with a condition called ulcerative-colitis that I'm struggling to come to terms with and has made my anxiety go through the roof.
I feel like a complete mess, barely getting through life. :( I've tried antidepressants but got terrible side effects and I've gone two group cbt sessions and am now on waiting list for one to one but can't attend anything else in the meantime apparently. I saw a private counsellor for a bit but am currently too unwell with the illness and medication side effects to go out much. I'm hardly sleeping and keep having panic attacks and I just don't know what to do. I have no hope of ever being the person I used to be. I really need help.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. I've found private counselling/psychotherapy really helpful but I think you need to find the right one for you as not all approaches work for everyone. It is also really tiring, but worth it I think. Maybe find an 'integrated' practitioner to start with who can use a variety of approaches until you find the best one for you.

Thanks. I just feel like I've gone beyond that point. Every day I'm battling suicidal thoughts and overwhelming anxiety. I don't feel like a once weekly session is enough to help.

First, I’m sending a big hug. You are struggling with both physical and mental health problems at the moment, and that’s a heavy load for anyone to bear.
Please go to your GP and tell them that you are feeling suicidal.
I know you have tried some of the many different antidepressants, but there are loads of others that may suit you better. Side effects often settle after a few weeks as your body adjusts to the medication, too.
If you live in or near a city, there may be an open access psychiatric crisis unit, where you can turn up without needing a referral and be seen by the psych team straight away.
I know Edinburgh has one open 24/7 for example.
Even if NO antidepressant ever worked on you, there are other treatments that can be used.
ECT has an 83% success rate in treating depression at first course, for example. I’ve seen patients depressed to the point of catatonia, unable to get out of bed, eat, or even speak, who have sat up and asked for toast after ECT.
Please don’t give up, OP. There is help available, take it. You are a unique human, loved by God and valued for your own sake. You deserve a life, and it can be a happy one, once your depression is effectively treated.
My prayers that you find the help you need, and my best wishes for your happy future. God bless.

What Babdoc said too!

Which antidepressants did you try? It takes a long time to find the right one sometimes. I've tried 6 different ones.

Just wondered if you'd tried mirtazapine ... It's not an ssri like some, tends to be better tolerated ime. Having said that, sertraline can be great for anxiety, but can make your feel a bit sick at first, it does pass on a week or two tho.

I'd say it's definitely worth a try and getting past the first few weeks as it usually improves.

Above all look after yourself, so things you like, watch favourite films, read favourite books if you can concentrate, great yourself to something that'll make you smile if you can.

Have you looked into online counselling? If you can afford it?

My friend recommends the Thrive programme, there is a book you can follow without the sessions because they're quite expensive.

I also recommend Matt Haigs book, Reasons to stay alive

I've been where you are, a few times. I've just started antidepressants again - I'm taking duloxetine- and can feel it starting to kick in, feel slightly better.

I hope you can find some help

Thank you. I tried citalopram and sertralinr and even on very low doses made me very sick and couldn't eat. I'm worried about trying any others as most of my anxiety is health related and if I get more side effects I will just get more worried. Thanks for the recommendations, I will look into them. I just feel like most of my worry now is about my illness and being scared of never being well again and I'm not sure how any tablets or counselling can help with that

It really does take at least a couple of weeks for the side effects to pass. I started sertraline on half the lowest dose because i have a vomiting phobia and couldn't face feeling sick. I still felt slightly nauseous but it was bearable. I took it at bedtime so that by the morning it would be a bit better.

I can't remember mirtazapine having any side effects other than making me very sleepy and hungry.

I hope you find something that works for you. It really is worth trying.

You could ask your gp for diazepam for a couple of days, it works well for anxiety ime but is very addictive and they'll probably only give you a few days worth.

My anxiety centres a lot around my physical ailments too, so i understand. I think antidepressants take the edge off that anxiety though and make it a little easier to deal with. In the long term something like counselling or mindfulness would be the best option to deal with your worries.

I would go back to your gp and tell him you're suicidal. He/ she should then refer you to either the crisis team or the primary mental health team who will be able to do more than your gp. However there are waiting lists for counselling on the nhs everywhere i believe. I managed to find subsidised counselling where i pay a donation for each session although there was still a six month waiting list.

Have a look at Thrive here:

www.amazon.co.uk/Thrive-overcome-depression-illness-self-esteem/dp/B0096997LE/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?ref=plSrch&keywords=thrive&dpPl=1&dpID=51dHybdSuSL&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1543500435&sr=1-2

OP, have you contacted crohnsandcolitis.org.uk?
They run a helpline staffed by people who have inflammatory bowel disease themselves, and they provide emotional support for patients. Their phone line has limited open hours, and there’s no answerphone, so you may have to try a few times to get through. The opening hours are on the website.
If as you say, you feel a lot of your anxiety and depression relates to your physical health, they may be very helpful for you.
Interestingly, there is some research that suggests the gut and brain are more closely linked than we thought - the gut has been called the second brain - and inflammation there can be linked to depression.
At the very least, the helpline will reassure you that you’re not alone with your condition, and it may reassure you to hear how others are managing to have a good life despite the limitations of the disease. They may have good advice and tips on how to handle it, too.
Sending another hug, just to keep you “topped up”!

Thanks so much. I will look into that, hopefully they can offer some support. It's just all new to me and hard to get my head around.