Tell me about parenting with depression

[FreiasBathtub]

I had quite bad PND with my DD (now aged 4), and was really worried about it reoccurring with DS. He's now 6 weeks old and after a fantastic start I have some of the warning signs popping up (insomnia, loss of appetite, tearyness and generally feeling 'wrong').

I've been on 50mg sertraline throughout my pregnancy and see a therapist weekly, and am going to the GP today to see what else I can do to fend it off at the post, but I am really worried about the effect on my DD. All I can find is research showing the terrible effects of parental depression on children and I can't find any guidance on how to minimise these effects. I feel like, at 4, she will experience and remember me being depressed in a way she didn't when she was born.

I've had mild depressive episodes since she was born but nothing long term, and they all responded well to treatment.

Can anybody help with strategies or reading or anything so that I can feel a bit more confident about not damaging my lovely, lovely daughter if I do become really ill again?

Argh! There were paragraphs when I typed it, sorry!

sorry no practical help but sending support.

I'm currently summoning up the courage to go see my GP as I think I'm suffering with PND following my DD. Terrified that it's going to affect my older DS seeing me like this.

You sound like a lovely mum to be so concerned and prioritising your children. I hope someone can come along soon and give you some strategies to help. X

Ah GrumpySausage thank you for such a lovely message. I'm sorry to hear you're going through similar. How old are your two? It's so hard isn't it. I am constantly second guessing myself, on things I wouldn't think twice about were I not feeling so low. Currently waiting to see the doctor, I think he's going to suggest I up the dose of my medication but I'm not sure I want to... Will your GP be helpful do you think?

@FreiasBathtub yes that sounds so similar- second guessing myself on anything. I used to be so confident in myself but now I question everything. I feel like a shell of the person I was 10 years ago.

My DD is 5 months and my DS is 3.5yrs. I find myself so irritable with him and I'm sure he is noticing. I found it's easier if I can get out with them both but it's hard with the weather at the moment. I'm still on maternity leave and I dream of work some days but I have quite a stressful job and I know I need to resolve how I feel before I return otherwise it might be too much.

I think my GP should be sympathetic, he's been good for other things in the past. I've only really discussed it with my DH in the past few days (though I know he suspected) so just trying to deal with that as he's still figuring out how to help and I don't even know what I need from him! I just need to get through this weekend (family thing) and then I will go to GP.

I hope your GP can help and a hopeful bump so that others might suggest some strategies. I hope you start to feel better soon.

@GrumpySausage urgh yes family things! I have in-laws tomorrow and my family next week, we are still in the newborn excitement stage so everybody wants to see us. Is your DS in childcare? We're still sending DD to nursery 4 days and it's a godsend, I feel like there's less of the day when I have to be 'on' with her. And then I obviously feel guilty about that!

I know what you mean about work. I miss feeling like I know what I'm doing in at least one part of my life! But you're right, if I was working now it would just be more stress, wouldn't fix the problem.

Really great that your DH is supportive. Mine is fantastic in principle and very reassuring but can lapse a bit in practice. He's terrible in the mornings which is a bit of an issue!

Doctor was good today, doesn't think we need to take any immediate action but going back on Tuesday to check in. He's also going to look for some support/resources re parenting. I'm really surprised there's not more out there, I would have thought this would be a fairly common issue as PND has a 50% chance of recurring with subsequent children.

Let me know how you get on, it is really nice to think that I'm not the only person dealing with this (not that I would wish it on you or anyone else!)

@FreiasBathtub Yes DS is in childcare two days a week which does help. But then I find on those days I book things in (appointments etc) as it's easier without him and then I have no time to just....sit. But then on days where I don't go out I always feel worse. Catch 22!

I get the guilty feeling too. I love DS to pieces and he is such a character but I crave quiet and then feel really guilty when he's at nursery.

Not having a good day today- family arriving tomorrow and staying in our house and I've already text dh to say I need to cancel. I can't bear the thought of having no escape all weekend. I won't be able to relax in my living room as there will be an air bed smack bang in the middle of it. Dh is currently trying to talk me round but I'm dreading it. I've offered to pay for a hotel down the road for the family.

Glad your GP could help but it is disheartening that he has to go look for the resources. We can't be the only women suffering so you'd think that'd have them to hand. Hope he can give you more on Tuesday.

Thank you for talking to me and sorry for hijacking your thread! X

Oh not hijacking at all @GrumpySausage, it's so lovely to have someone to talk to about all this.

Your weekend sounds hard. I'm exactly the same, I need a sanctuary in my own home and time on my own, and if I don't get it I really struggle. Living in London we don't have a lot of space and I do find it overwhelming when we have people, even just for the day! The hotel sounds like such a sensible plan. I'm a big fan of throwing money at the problem, in fact this is exactly what we're doing at Xmas, whole family in a Premier Inn down the road! Would your family understand about a hotel?

I am v up and down still. People keep telling me to take it easier but the problem is that if I don't do things they don't get done, and I just don't want DD to miss out. Plus some of the things aren't really negotiable, like laundry! But then I get tired and snappy, and spiral off into worrying about everything. It's so tough. Weather doesn't help either!

Hope your weekend goes ok, and you get a little bit of time and space to decompress. X

Hi @FreiasBathtub, so sorry for the late late reply. Christmas and family and life got all a bit manic past few weeks.

I hope you are doing ok and had a good Christmas. How are you feeling?

Christmas was a bit too much for me and I had a few really bad days. My dd's sleep has also really deteriorated over the past few weeks which is now helping. My dh, bless him, doesn't know what to do to help.

I still haven't been to the GP. I made the appointment but then cancelled it. I'm not sure why. I think I'm scared they'll judge me and not help in anyway and then I'll be stuck.

My dh and DS are back to work and Nursery tomorrow and I'm hoping being back in a routine will help me. The last few weeks have felt endless.

Hi, I’m really struggling with this too. I’ve always had mental health problems but having a tough time at the moment and really worried the effect it’s having on my kids.

I wanted to say that one thing that makes me feel better is taking to them about it in age appropriate way.

I say things like ‘Mummy loves you even on the hard days’ and ‘it’s never your fault if mummy’s sad’.

If I’m snappy with them, I might say ‘gosh things have got a bit stressful this evening haven’t they? I still love you lots’

It’s easy to do, and I hope it makes an impact. It makes me feel better to ‘name’ things, and to make it just part of life.

I got really ill last year and I think it did effect my oldest. But now that I’m doing better, I can see how it’s actually increased her confidence. I think she’s seen how life can go a bit wrong and be rubbish for a while, but then it gets better again.

Basically I’m trying to say that you don’t have to be perfect, and it’s ok if your kids notice you’re struggling. In fact I think it helps them to see mummy overcoming things.

Hi @Withgraceinmyheart , I'm sorry to hear your struggling with this too, I hope you can get some support with things.

I like your idea of talking about it more. My DS is quite a perceptive lad so if I'm having a bad day he often asks if I have a headache. I think I need to talk to him to make it clear it's not his fault and like you say, that I love him at all times.

I felt better after a day being back in routine yesterday but my DD who was an excellent sleeper has decided sleep is for the weak now and we had a very bad night. I'm hoping this won't spiral me back down.

I've been a depressed parent, for about 5 years from when Ds1 was 4 and Ds2 was 1. I had to accept that I had very limited energy supplies and had to prioritise my relationship with the dc. If I did too much housework or socialising I had nothing left for them and would become withdrawn and snappy. So, my advice would be:

If you can afford a cleaner then get one in. If you can't then I recommend the 'unfuck your habitat' website.

Don't cook labour intensive meals that take hours. Keep food as stress free as possible, and don't feel guilty for only being able to manage beige freezer food a few nights a week. Have lots of fruit and raw veg that can be easily snacked on to counteract the pizza and waffles.

Get outside in the green with the dc. It's usually much easier to deal with toddlers who are able to run off some energy in parks and grassy open spaces. It's also good for your MH too.

Don't force yourself to go to baby groups if it's going to deplete your energy too much. I forced myself to go to groups for fear of the dc missing out. I hated it and I'd feel utterly wretched afterwards so I was not able to focus on the dc as I needed to 'recover'.

Get as much help as you can from family and friends. I know not everyone has people who are able to help, but if you do, then getting a couple of hours to yourself is very important. It's not always easy to ask for favours when you're depressed but not getting help when it's available doesn't make sense in the long run. I didn't ask for help when I desperately needed it and we all felt the negative consequences of that.

Mainly it's a case of acceptance and letting go of guilt and working with the reality of the situation. I think many people make themselves feel worse by pushing themselves too hard due to guilt at not functioning as a healthy person would. It's easy to feel frustrated and defective and useless, but nobody would judge someone who had a physical illness for not performing at 100%.

Oh wow hello everyone! Thank you so much for your responses and advice. It is really encouraging to know that there are others out there with the same experience who are getting through it.

@Withgraceinmyheart sorry to hear you're going through this too. That is really good advice about talking to DD in an age appropriate way. I know that even with DH I don't like to admit I'm less than perfect, so I keep going until I explode. I think it won't come easily to me to admit any vulnerability to DD but I think it will really help and will be good for me as well! And I like the thought that it might help her too. Funnily enough I felt fine asking her to understand and support me when I was physically tired from pregnancy....I wonder why this is so different.

@MattBerrysHair I think I need to tattoo 'working with the reality of the situation' somewhere on me so I see it every day! That's exactly it. This isn't how I wanted to parent but I can still do my best with the resources that I have. Thank you.

@GrumpySausage still here, still upright (just). Xmas was very trying and I also had a couple of meltdowns. I think I tried to do too much, plus too many people around. DD was wildly overexcited and the family were really encouraging it, and then surprised when she misbehaved. Oh well. We are also in the land of crap sleep. DS has 'woken up' and now only naps for 30 min stretches, at night we get 4 hours in one go if we're lucky. It's so exhausting. I have no time at all for myself to recharge and I'm really feeling it. DH wants to help but like yours isn't really sure what to do. Plus I'm breastfeeding so he is biologically limited!

I hope that getting back into routine helps you. If not, you can always try the GP. I have been exceptionally lucky and my GP is amazingly supportive, but I know this isn't always the case. They definitely shouldn't be judging you or doing anything other than trying to help you through this rotten but sadly quite common experience. Is your health visitor any good? That may be another option. Sending hugs and good thoughts!

Argh my paragraphs have gone again!