Help me untangle my thoughts (please).

[NerysTerrace]

I've been struggling for a long time with my mental health, it's as a result of an incident that happened.

I was under the crisis team for a spell but then I moved house and moved area so I was downgraded.

Last time I saw a psychiatrist was in the summer, I already have a diagnosis. He didn't change my meds. For other medical reasons there are lots of drugs I can't take so he kept me on the same medication, even though it's not entirely working.

I'm trying to work but every day my anxiousness is through the roof and I'm afraid I'll start disassociating again.

Lately I want to leave my DH. He's done nothing wrong, he's really good but he was single for a long time before we met and he can be quite remote or difficult to talk to. I do love him but I think he would be better off without me I don't necessarily mean if I ended my life, I just mean that I'm a PITA

Work is hard, I'm barely keeping it together.

I've tried everything to make myself alright - yoga, meditation, walking but I feel myself slipping again and I'm slipping dangerously.
Every day is a battle to stay safe and stay alive.

I don't want to go to my GP, they've been crap in the past and I'm scared of pouring my heart out and all the pain that causes to get a blank, useless or even scornful response. Tbh if this was my friend talking to me I'd be trying to get hold of the crisis team but I don't have the ability to do this for myself.

Can anyone talk me through this? Did anything help you?

TIA

Bump

Hi

I know exactly what your going through it’s the pits.

Can you not see the psych again, perhaps ring his secretary? Although you may have to go through Gp and let him refer. Maybe up the meds?
When we’re anxious to a high state, unreasonable things go through our heads, like you I’ve thought of being on my own. I think we have unreasonable thoughts, that are so real and become our focus.

With me if I talk to dp, he will listen but when he gives me his advice and I don’t agree (he’s not going through my irrational thoughts and symptoms) my anxiety peaks. So really I think we’re better talking to someone not close.

I think your great being able to even consider working when like this, I had to give it up ! Don’t be so hard on yourself, just getting out the door in the morning is a massive effort.

Can you see another gp? Perhaps a lady Gp.
At your hospital do they have something like a RAID team in a&e (mh)
Because where I live the Gp can make an appointment for you at the mh dept(not a&e) up at the hospital and they see you within 48 hrs.
Which is better than sitting in bloody a&e for god knows how many hours, just to be sent home and told to see Gp!!!

Have you any Diazepam hanging around perhaps, I know it’s not the answer but it will calm you down.

Other than what your doing I can only think of anxiety app on your phone you could listen too.
Take care , putting it out on here may help xx

Thank you, it does help to get it down here and thank you for everything you've said @granadagirl, you give good advice.

I do need to tell DH how bad it is getting again, but like you I do find it difficult to explain to him. Sometimes often I want to end it all but the thought of telling him this makes me feel like I'm letting him down.

When I went to hospital before they were awful and I don't want to go again.
To see the psych I'd have to go through my GP.

Working is really hard although I'm out of bed, in the shower and the car before I'm properly awake. That's the secret really, get there before I've had time to catch up with myself but working is definitely making me worse. It feels like it's killing me.

I’ve been there, well some days I’m still there! When my anxiety is high it effects my mood and brings me down to no end.
Over the years Ive isolated myself, as I can’t get my symptoms under control to stay. Even family I’m like this with. My home is my safe place.

Perhaps you need to share your feelings with him, and why not
He loves you, in sickness and in health. In doing this you may feel a bit more relaxed around him and able to say “ I’m not feeling good”
Also it good your out before anxiety raises its head, or you’d probably talk yourself out of going. Do colleges now you suffer with anxiety, mind you if they havnt had it they havnt a clue.

Have a look on web for anxiety groups near you, you could go to if your able. Sometimes listening to others takes you away from yourself.

I’ve had mine since I was 23, on and off . Been in this one since last oct, now 61. So plenty of experience where bloody anxiety/depression is concerned.

An anxiety group is a good idea, I'll look at that.

I told DH tonight, he was good and he's going to help me to get some help.

We're in bed now and I'm lying here feeling guilty that I told him.
I've never meant to hurt him.

Stop feeling guilty, number one
You’ve done nothing !

If you had diabetes,ms, or broken leg/arm would you feel the same?
What if it was HIM in your situation
I’m sure you would be understanding and try to help if he needed you,
He knew you had mh problem before it’s an illness like any other

You are what you are, you will have good and bad times. Even couples without mh in there household have other bigger problems. Drink,drugs,abuse

Give him the benefit of the doubt, if he said he’d help let him. You’re opened up now, so keep it open don’t pretend everything ok when your struggling and bottle it up.

You sound young op? Do you have any children?
Feel free to pm me if your struggling
Or just write it on here. Others may have suggestions

Sadly I'm not young! Far from it.
We have DCs who are grown up.
I wonder whether maybe you're picking up how lost I am, because I do feel completely bewildered, I know what I should do but I'm fighting with myself every day to stay on the right track.

Yes, it's true I would be there for DH if he was ill, no matter the nature of the illness.

Sadly DH is upset that I feel this bad, I understand that but I hate myself for upsetting him. He's the main person who keeps me here.

Thank you @granadagirl, I'm grateful that you are listening x

It’s normal to feel lost with this illness, because sometimes symptoms just hit you out of the blue and frighten you to death. It’s very hard to keep going everyday with crippling anxiety, im talking like appiete, sleeping,getting out of the house because of that churned up feeling.

OH’s feel upset because neither of us like to see the other suffer, it’s normal. We don’t want to be like this, it’s soul destroying illness.

I’m presuming your dc know, do you have a dd who gets you and understands?
I only have a ds(29) he gets me to a certain degree, ( he’s had panick attacks occasionally) but thinks sometimes I can just
Go out
Holiday
Visit family
And I can’t, sometimes are better than others. It’s the intrusive thoughts and ruminating that stops me.

I’m sat here now, debating should I go to the shops!

Take care, and be kind to yourself a bit of self pampering is needed.