Am I having a breakdown?

[Sonic4]

Any advice on what to do please? I feel my marriage is coming to an end, I feel constantly anxious with a massive knot in my stomach. Husband has been distant for a while and has told me he isn’t in love with me as I’ve put on weight and haven’t looked after myself! We’ve been together for 27 years and have 2 wonderful boys, he’s all I’ve known since I was 16, what do I do? He won’t talk to me, won’t cuddle me, even tho I’ve just had a major operation! I feel so alone and sad and don’t know what to do! Certainly don’t feel like celebrating Christmas but have to for my boys! Any help/advice, should I see a doc and get some help, counselling? Never thought this would happen to me, we had so many future plans now I feel my world is about the end!

Just changed my profile name I’m now lonely4

I think it would be a good idea to make a GP appointment. Also is there anyone else you can talk to?

Thanks for your feedback, just worried the doc won’t be interested. I do have a close friend I can talk too but when I’m home I just feel so alone.

Doc will definitely be interested - in my experience they hand out anti depressants without too much hesitation, which may or may not help you through this tricky time. Have you taken them before at all?

If you end up properly sobbing in your appointment they may also refer you for counselling, has happened to me twice now. By the time the counselling came through I have generally been feeling a bit brighter, so haven’t needed to go, but they can definitely support you.

No never been on anything like that before, I would probably break down as can’t seem to stop at the moment tho try and hold it together when kids are around. I’m just recovering from an op too so it’s all just too much for me! I’ll try and sort an appointment out then that seems the best way to go. Did the tablets help you?

I don’t get on with them - came out in a rash! - but lots of people swear by them and there are different types to try.

I also find that loading up on important vitamins helps at times like this - when your Vit D/B/iron levels are low you can feel really down. Last time I broke down in the GPs office it turned out my B12 was low and once I supplemented I felt a lot better and more able to deal with the shit that had brought me to my knees.

I know your circumstances are the main thing that’s getting you down, but if there’s any underlying issues that might also be robbing you of energy it’s worth addressing that too.

Then once you’re physically recovered you will be better able to deal with the emotional fallout. You will get through this and your world isn’t ending, just changing focus.

Thanks, do you know what the good ones are to ask for? I’ve just had a fairly major op (4 weeks ago) and it’s an 8-12 week recovery period so already struggling with that on top of everything else. What is b12, I’ll maybe have to get my levels checked, always struggle with vit d at this time of year too.
Change of focus, that does sound better, still hard to get my head round tho. Thanks for the advice. X

Oh you poor thing, not that there’s a ever a good time for your H to say that he’s not in love with you, but while you’re recovering from surgery it is especially shitty of him.

B12 is often low in vegetarians as it’s found in red meat, eggs and dairy. But you can also have issues absorbing it even if you eat the right foods (I do). It’s definitely worth asking from some general blood tests when you’re feeling so down. Thyroid, iron etc just to see where you are. You are bound to be feeling a bit delicate still after surgery so just take good care of yourself. How old are your boys? Are they able to help/support you at all?

As for ADs they’ll probably go with SSRIs first (fluoxetine/Prozac type or but see what they recommend.

Thank you I think it would be a good idea to get checked out. Yep defo shitty of him, done everything and given him everything I possibly could over the years and just because I’ve put on a few pounds he now feels like that, I’m a size 12/14! Not the model wife to have hanging off his arm and be proud of, he also said that he’s no longer proud to be seen with me, can you feel the love oozing out of him! I keep going between an emotional wreck and an angry beast! So feel I don’t deserve this treatment. Could I ever find someone else tho after all these years? My boys are 11 and 13 and awesome and have been looking after me since my op, couldn’t ask for any more from them! I did worry them the other day when they saw me crying, I’ve just started a meditation course to help calm me down so I blamed that for the tears!

Definitely see what your doctor recommends. Also you need to be able to talk to someone, ask for a referral to a counsellor. If there's an unacceptable waiting list then fund a private counsellor if you can, some charities do reduced prices. Do not let this fester. Let people who youv trust know how youre feeling. Talk to your husband about what you need from him but be clear. If he isn't willing to listen you need to decide you get yourself well. You can do it, after all you've raised 2 boys. You know how to nurture, apply it to yourself. Your world isn't at and end. It might be changing but there's no reason you can't be ok with the right help. Good luck.

I don't think you need anti depressants you're sad for a reason... You're long term husband has announced he's not in love with you and insulted you to top it off. First of all.. Can you salvage your marriage? Get the love and spark back? No quick fix for it but if he's willing and you are that's a good start. You're recovering from an op so give yourself time to heal mentally and physically first but looking further ahead... Are YOU happy with your weight? If you would like to get on shape then longer term you could aim to take up some form of hobby revolving around exercise. It may build you a social life outside of your family also if thsts something that'd benefits you. Many longer marriages take these turns and do recover. Baby steps. One small thing at a time. I'd gauge whether your husband wants to put in the effort to get your marriage back first and go from there. I wouldn't be rushing to the GP to get put on anti depressants. I don't think you sound depressed - it's your circumstances naturally making you feel this way. I really hope you recover well and manage to work out your marriage

Ahh thank you both for your messages and concern, it means a lot and makes me feel less alone, how that can be talking to strangers I don’t know but thank you! I have one close friend I can trust and have confided in and she’s being very supportive, I don’t teally feel I can trust anyone else and feel some people would be revelling in the news and that’s really not what I want. I want to save the marriage (at least I think so some days) for the sake of our boys if nothing else, I would also like to lose some weight, had the worry of my op and knowing something wasn’t quite right so turned to food for comfort. I’m home all day and have easy access to food which doesn’t help! I’m so confused right now and have no idea how this will pan out. I just know I’m hurting real bad and feel so alone. My husband has been stressed for some time due to work and obviously not feeling happy at home, I’ve spent so long worrying about him and taking care of our boys I always come last, that’s just what us mums do isn’t it? I need to readjust things but not sure quite where to start. Feel physically and emotionally drained. Thank you all for your messages it really has helped me her through today x

I agree that when there’s a clear reason for feeling anxious and depressed then ADs may not be the answer, but to be able to take the edge off the despair and function day to day until you’re in a better place, it may be worth a try. My point was that GPs do take it seriously and will happily prescribe you pills and potentially talking therapy, so don’t feel like it’s not worth bothering them with. They can help. X

I’ve spent so long worrying about him and taking care of our boys I always come last, that’s just what us mums do isn’t it? and yes, you now have the perfect excuse to stop taking care of him and look after you instead. You don’t have to be a martyr to the kids either - you matter. The perk of divorce is that you can get a night or two per week when they’re with their dad to do something just for you. I honestly recommend it to a lot of people! There will be shining lights in amongst the darkness if you just look out for them.

Seems to hard to think there will be a light to be honest, such a tough decision to think about and so didn’t want this to happen to my boys. They are both at senior school now and doing so so well and are happy I don’t want things to unsettle them. Not to mention the thought of not seeing my boys one Christmas or one birthday is beyond heartbreaking! I don’t know how people cope.

Talk to GP and see what advice they might have to offer.

I do not know how to define a breakdown, but it certainly seems that you have major problems with your marriage and counselling might be a way forward with that. I wish you every good luck with getting on top of all this.

I plan to try and get in to see a doc then tho how easy that’s will be who knows, nightmare to get appointments these days. Thanks for all your help and advice, good to know you van come out the other side of this.

I think I'd be looking at getting a divorce not soldering on with someone who doesn't want me.
I'd be talking to him about leaving really, how is your mental health going to improve being with someone whos not supportive and is saying nasty things?

I hear what you’re saying just scared for my boys and how I would cope looking after them financially. I don’t want to be the person to instigate it if that makes sense? He’s acting so out of character tho and is definitely up to or planning something. We have a small property business to consider too and most of it is in his name so I need to check into this. So much going through my head!