In short, I'm fed up. I've not had a great experience with life and I've put up with the thought that everyone who has met me instantly dislikes me. I get that thought as soon as I'm being introduced to someone and it sticks. Basically since i was a child I've felt people automatically hate me. Somehow I do have a good social circle, but i don't feel I deserve them and certainly couldn't open up to them. I have a daughter, who is the only person in my life I know genuinely loves me. She is the sole reason I am a zero suicide risk.
Anybody who I've ever met would have no clue I feel like this. I'm in a professional job, can be quute funny and I smile a lot. My friends have described me as the life and soul of the party. But I'm dead inside. I haven't had a good experience at life, especially with this ingrain feeling everyone is against me since a young age. Every relationship I've had has been hugely abusive. I don't like myself at all. I often fantasise about being someone else, or jyst taking off to somewhere where I'm completely alone or anonymous.
Does anyone else feel like this? How do you get through life when you've been ready for it to end for so long? I could never open up in oerson to anyone, its a trait I'm devoid of.