I think I'm having some sort of breakdown (ASD related)

[penguinflippers]

Not sure if this is the right place to post (I couldn't find an ASD board?) but I hope someone can offer some advice?

Basically I'm 99% sure I have some form of autism; I'm being assessed for this in February next year. I work full time in a customer-facing job in a busy, noisy environment (I work in what must be the world's noisiest academic library) with lights that are way too bright - so I'm in a constant state of sensory overload as well as having to try and seem like a 'normal' person when interacting with people, alongside dealing with about a hundred other issues that I'm sure are all autism-related.

I simply don't know how I'm going to make it to February without completely losing my sanity - because I feel like until I get an official diagnosis I can't tell anyone why I'm struggling so much with things that should be simple, or things that are considered 'fun' (Xmas parties etc). I camouflage my autistic traits really, really well (which is absolutely exhausting) and people who don't know me well would never believe that I had autism without an official diagnosis to back it up.

I had some sort of mini breakdown at work today and I just want to die of shame - a fucking mystery shopper came in right at the end of the day (they're really bad at the 'mystery' part, they're always so obvious) and asked about something that I should probably know but don't, and I was almost in tears whilst serving her but trying (badly) to cover it up; as soon as I could leave the desk I just went and cried hysterically in the toilets for about 15 minutes.

I did manage to get hold of one of the senior staff before I left work and asked if I could speak to her privately, I then burst into tears again and said that I thought I was going mad and told her about the autism assessment, she was very nice about it all but I think she was a bit baffled.

I've taken tomorrow off work and I'm going to the GP first thing (if I can get an appt) but I don't know what help I should even be asking for? I'm just so fucking embarrassed about today and I want to crawl under a rock and never emerge

don't be embarrassed. you did well to tell the senior staff person and to take charge of getting help for yourself.

can I ask - how long have you had this job? how did you cope before this week? And based on that, is there anything that would help you cope now? longer breaks in the day? part time hours? if you can identify what support you need, then you can ask for it.

Thanks for replying parietal I've had the job for 9 months - I've always found it difficult but thought it was just the usual 'settling in' problems, but they don't seem to be going away. I've managed to hide how hard I'm finding it until now - I always get stressed this time of year knowing I've got an entire month of obligatory social events coming up, so that stress is probably one of the things that tipped me over the edge today.

I do think that part time hours would probably help massively but unfortunately it's financially not an option at the moment - it might be something to consider next year though.

I just don't feel entitled to ask for any support before I have an actual diagnosis though

you can always ask for support, but you might have to be prepared for the boss to say 'no'.

are the social events really obligatory? things like a Christmas party are not normally, and if you just go home early with a 'bad cold' then no one will mind.

OP, I don't have autism and I still avoid Christmas social events if possible. Give yourself a break and do something else.