falling apart

[ajsgirl]

I'm so tired of thinking about all this that i have decided to get it off my chest here and see what you all think. i had my first baby just over a year ago. i had a terrible pregnancy with hyperemesis very severe for 5 months, then slight improvement for the rest of it. i lost my job because of it but in the end i had a beautiful healthy baby that i adore. the problem is i have never been able to cope. my house is a mess because i am so nervous with dd that i can't get anything done. i never get 5 minutes off because i don't trust dh to do anything for her. i wash all bottles, prepare and feed her every meal etc etc. if i am out of the house i am filled with dread that something will happen to her. i constantly fret that she is sick. she has had a few minors bumps and scrapes while playing with dh and i have lost the plot and blamed him for not looking after her. she sleeps in our bed every night. dh and i have no relationship anymore. i am always anxious. i cry too easily about everything and most of all i just feel like a piece of cr*p that can never do anything right. i would love to talk to dh about things but he is not good at opening up and he gets defensive if i try to tell him how i feel i am so sick of my life. could i have pnd??? sometimes i think i should pull myself together and stop moaning but i'm just not able. i never thought being a mum would be like this.

Oh you poor poor thing - no advice I'm afraid, but lots of hugs coming your way ((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))

bumping for you

ajaysgirl, you sound very normal, but things are obviously getting on top of you. You should definately speak to your GP about some treatment for anxiety, whether it's medication or some counselling, just to help you regain a sense of perspective and some control over things.

Try and get things out in the open with DH, you might find he can help if he knows how you're feeling?

ajsgirl, you really need to get some help or talk to someone. Even if you don't feel ready to get any professional help, can you get out to some mother and toddler groups or any baby activities? If you're with other mothers, you'll be able to share your anxieties and see how they are with their babies and maybe it'll help you relax. All babies are going to get bumps and scrapes, even more so once they're a year old and on the move. It's just part of learning and you need to trust your dh but you also need to trust your baby in order to give her independence. It's normal to be anxious with your first baby but you need to get some perspective on this. Good luck.

You need some support and a break. If you are reluctant to leave DD with your DH, what about starting off by leaving her for a short time with another mother (your own or a sister or friend)

I know nothing about depression but crying all the time doesn'tsound good . Maybe you could talk to your GP, if you feeling down they could help.

{{{Hugs}}}

Where abouts in the country are you? Maybe you could get to a nearby Mumsnet meetup ?

thanks for the replies. i do go to a mother and baby group but i have always been a nervous person and am so good at hiding it now that every one thinks i am fine. i tried to tell my health nurse but she say the way i can look after my dd so well that she dismissed it. my own mum even though she loves my dd is a heavy drinker&smoker so i wouldn't feel safe letting her mind dd. i think in some ways that is why i feel like a bad mother. my own mother has always been very critical of me and sort of makes fun of my nervousness so i never get any reassurance from her. my mil is too critical of everything i do anyway so the 2 of them have me stressed.

Hi ajsgirl,
Sorry to hear you're feeling so low.I felt I had to write to you because I did have PND and had some of those symptoms you describe. But I found seeing a Cognitive Behaviour Therapist (often known as CBT therapsits)very, very helpful indeed and it's turned my life around and I feel so much better.

Some GP surgeries offer this service but there does tend to be a waiting list. It costs about £95 a session privately, but if you can afford that, I really, really recommend it.

I was unsure if I was depressed, but in hindsight I really was. My symptoms included: being unable to concentrate; not wanting to meet other people; going over things in my head endlessly; time going very slowly; not being able to look forward to anything; feeling like things would never get better. The GPs were not very helpful at all and gave me an antidepressent that made me feel despair like I've never known.

But I went to see a proper psychiatrist who really knew what he was talking about and gave me something completley different and I felt so much better. I was so reticient about taking medication but that and the CBT has helped me so much. My life was sooooooooo much better in a matter of weeks. I'm going back to work (p-t) next week and life is good. Something that I couldn't even begin to imagine at the end of last year when everything was felt so stressful and hopeless.

So I just wanted to tell you that things can and WILL get better.

You can find a therapist in your area here: www.babcp.com

take care xx

hi. i also went through a very hard time from when my baby was 6mths to about a month ago. I have had Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and also taking antidepressants to see if they helped. I wasn't really anxious about my ds, but was just feeling no enjoyment in life or with my ds and felt constantly overwhelmed by all I had to do, felt like a rubbish mummy etc.

you sound quite self aware (you know some of what you feel is irrational) which is always a help. you could talk to your gp about some counselling which may be able to help initially with your anxiousness. the anxiety may stem simply from a chemical imbalance in your brain, or maybe the result of something in your past. Have you always been a very anxious person? I would do this sooner rather than later - it is so much better for you and your child when you are feeling happy (though I think your dd probably doesn't know what is going on at this age, my depression didn't seem to affect ds - he was very smiley and outgoing and independent regardless!).

your little girl has got past one safe and sound. she is probably tough enough now to be able to take a bottle which is not washed to your high standards! Or eat food which has not been mushed etc. I would def. prioritise getting your dh involved, even if you start off by supervising and then let him do it on his own, as this will give you the freedom to have time to do things for yourself. It will also help your relationship, I'm sure if you can put her in a cot in her own room (if poss). I understand how hard it is for your relationship when the baby is in your bed. My ds was in our bed till 7 months, and still comes in occasionally.

it is great to be somewhere i can let some of this out.

merrymarigold - i have always been a nervous/anxious person. a bit afraid of the world i think. not sure how i got like this but i would like to change it. i'm not sure why i think something will happen to dd but it gets so bad sometines that i am nearly afraid to go in the house when i come home in case something is wrong. she is so precious that i can't bear to think of her hurt or in pain. she bumped her mouth on the side of a chair recently and i started crying.

it made me smile when you said about dh and the bottle washing. on the one occasion i did let him wash one i sneaked in and washed it again.
despite all my panic dd is a brave, adventurous little thing

i would just like to get back to the way i was. a bit nervous but in control. now i am just a wreck and as someone else described i see no fun in life. me and dh used to be so in love. now we are like people who happen to share a house. i hope he can forgive the way i've been

you definitely do sound depressed. i know that horrible feeling, i described it as the 'living dead'. i felt like that robbie williams line which is something like 'I don't want to die, but I'm not keen on living either'. your dh will definitely forgive you. things are getting a lot better between me and dh now, now we are having more fun times etc. i would def talk to the gp and see what they recommend, but don't let them fob you off because it is not worth going through days, weeks, months of feeling like this when it is fairly easy to fix it. i regret that i left it so long to be honest.

hope it all sorts itself out for you soon. x

ajsgirl. i am in london. are you?

no. ireland!! i wonder if there are many other irish people on here. it's a great site

there are quite a few...i can't remember names right now. maybe post a thread saying 'anyone irish out there?!!'

poppinda sorry to have not responded to you sooner. i think the cbt sounds good. being a nervous person i don't like the thoughts of medication but i have come to the stage where i feel i need outside help. you have decribed exactly how i feel....

ajsgirl, I was so scared of something happening to my dd that I threw all the really sharp kitchen knives away!!!!

I knew it was mad, but at the same time I could not bear to have them in the house with her.

I too have been prone to anxiety, but the CBT has really helped no end.

i say to dd a thousand times a day be careful now, not too fast, small bites
i always think she will choke on her food. when she started on lumpier food i would let her chew for a minute then take the food out of her mouth. babies must be so resilient because she is great. she has a real streak of mischief in her - i hope i don't ruin it for her